I'm in a strange mood tonight. Actually, I've been in a strange mood all week.
Sometimes I think this is a beautiful world God has graced us with and other times I just feel the emptiness all around me where Dave belongs. It's part of the grieving process, I guess.
It seems the more I take steps to move forward in my life the way Dave would have wanted me to, the more I feel his absence. I'm doing a lot better than I was back in August, of course, although summer is going to be here again too soon and I don't want to deal with the first birthday I can't celebrate and the first of my birthdays without him... and the first anniversary of his death.
Anyway, this morose post came about because I have a date tomorrow. I met this guy on eharmony and I mae the obligiatory first call to see if I wanted to take it beyond e-mail. I thought we'd just talk for a few minutes but we ended up talking for an hour, about teaching mostly, because he's a teacher too, but also about other things. It reminded me of the way I used to stay up all night taking to Dave, which is one of the things I miss most about him.
So tomorrow I'm going to meet him at Applebee's after church. I'm excited and scared and nervous, and I realized suddenly that I'm scared that things might actually work out for me.
I don't know where that fear comes from. It's the JD in me, I guess. But I know that part of it is feeling like if I move on with my life, I leave Dave's memory behind. Which is, of course, BS. He would have wanted me to move on. And I will always have his memory.
I wrote the first chapter of Chasing Ghosts last week. The more I write, the more I become aware that it's about a woman who wants to turn back time, who's afraid of the future, of time moving on. It's partly because her husband's died, but it's more than that... it's a general attitude towards life.
I don't want to be like her but I am writing her story.
I put a quote from the Bible at the beginning:
When the sun rose, Lot went into Zoar...
but his wife looked behind her, and was turned into a pillar of salt.
and a dedication
FOR DAVID
Your memory lives on in me
I'm excited about this project, although it's slow going. I'm still working on my old novel, too. I want to finish revising it and then get it professionally edited. Then I'll write a proposal and try to get it published.
Not much else to say. Last night they showed the episode of Scrubs where JD and Elliot hook up and then quickly break up. I could just hear Dave saying, "You see why it's better just to be friends?"
1:30 left of work before I can go home and go to bed. I'm tired.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Lots of stuff
It's been a while... hasn't it? Or has it? A week and a half isn't too long, for me... I've gone way longer without having the chance to write.
Anyway, lots of stuff to report, most of it good. For one thing, my writer's block ios finally gone. I wrote my first scene of Chasing Ghosts yesterday, and this afternoon I've been sitting at work thinking about the scene I'll write when I get home (or tomorrow morning, more likely. I am extremely tired for reasons I'll go into in a bit.)
I have a feeling that now that I've found my opening, Chapter One should pretty much write itself. I'm really excited about this project, even more so than my first novel (which I'm still revising).
I want to write my book jacket/synopsis, but I'm a little afraid to post it publically. Suffice it to say that the story is about a mother and daughter who both have to face their pasts in order to move forward with their lives.
Moving on...
The reason I'm so tired is because I stayed up until 2 AM last night and had to get up at 8:30 to attend "drive-through prayer". This is a church community thing that my pastor does once a month... it's the first time I've ever done it. Basically, he puts out a sign saying, "Drive Through Prayer" on the steret, and those of us who have volunteered for this stand on the street corner and wave to people driving or walking by. People can stop to ask us to pray with them.
It was really cold this morning. I was wearing my light jeans jacket as always--I have an actual winter coat in my car, but I never think to wear it, because I just don't get cold. (When I was at school in Syracuse, I got sent back to my dorm for walking in the snow without a coat on.) Pastor Dan insisted on lending me his winter coat, which I didn't wear. My hands were freezing, though. At first I was putting one hand in my pocket and waving to cars with the other hand, and switching them periodically. FInally, someone lent me a glove, and that solved that problem.
I was a little nervous about praying for people because I've never done it before. Last week, Pastor Dan had said that God will always provide you with what you need to do His work, but that didn't quite make sense--what's the point of praying if God has to tell you what to tell Him?? So when Pastor Dan did the first prayer, I sort of hung back and watched and listened to see what a "real" prayer sounded like.
For a long while, no-one stopped for prayer, though a lot of people honked and waved back at us. That gave me a lot of time to think. I was thinking about Dave, about how glad he would be that I was getting involved with a church, about how he might have reacted to this whole thing we were doing here. Also about how he would never have let me stand on a street without wearing a winter coat in the first place so that I wouldn't have been in the position of having to allow the pastor to lend me one when I already had one in my car.
Anyway, eventually this lady came up and wanted prayer for herself and her family. I prayed with her... at first I didn't know what to say, but then, sure enough, the words did come to me. I felt so good after I prayed, like this world is a beautiful place and I'm glad to be in it (how's that for cliched thinking?) Thinking about it, I realized that I've been living inside my head for far too long. Besides Dave, I never really shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone, so... since he died I've been living entirely in my head. And while I love my head, that's not always a great place to be. I need to get out in the world and remember I'm a human being.
Speaking of which, I joined eharmony about 2 months ago. I didn't really hold out any hope of finding anyone. I don't know why I spent the money to become a member. I was lonely, I guess, and even though I really miss Dave I realized I can't stay romantically loyal to his memory forever because I still have to live my life even though he's gone.
So anyway, I've been corresponding with this guy. He's a teacher also, and he loves teaching because he thinks it's very important to teach kids to think for themselves. Tonight I got an e-mail from him asking if I thought we should meet in person and talk more.
I'm excited because this is the very first time I've ever been asked out (the way it happened with me and Dave doesn't count... we were very best friends and somewhere along the line we just decided since our feelings were so deep for each other we might as well go further). Of course, I know about Internet safety and all that. I'm going to suggest to this guy that we exchange phone numbers and talk for a while first before we go out in person. I figure phone numbers can always be changed if need be.
Anyway, back to my church experience. (I'm really tired so this blog might not make much sense. Unfortunately, I have 2 hours left at work with very little to do. I need to wake up.) After praying with that lady, as I said, I felt spiritually more awake than I had in a long time. I wanted to pray with other people but unfortunately none came along :(
By the time it ended at 2 PM, my feet were so cold I could barely feel them as I walked back to my car. I went home, ate lunch, and watched an episode of Scrubs that I taped last night and missed most of because I didn't get home from work on time. It was one of my favourite episodes from Season 1, My Old Lady. It showed all three main doctors (interns in that season) dealing with patients who might be the 1 out of 3 patients who was destined to die there. JD's patient was an elderly woman whom he grew attached to. Unfortunately, when her kidneys failed, she refused dialysis and he had to accept that she was going to die. In a last-ditch effort to convince her to change her mind, JD made a list of a bunch of things he thought everyone should do in their life. She replied, "How many of the things on that list have you done? For that matter, how often have you sat on the grass and done nothing? You need to take more time for yourself. Promise me you will."
The episode ended after her death (well, actually, the death of all three patients) with JD lying on the grass reflecting that when patients die, you have to take what you can from your time with them, "even if all it is is lying on the grass thinking about all the things you still have to do."
I don't know exactly why this episode affected me the way it did, but of all the episodes I've seen (and I've seen 90% of them, several enough times to memorize them), this struck me as one of the best and most important.
Oh dear, I'm rambling, aren't I? When I find myself summzarizing every detail of Scrubs episodes it's probably time to quit. Besides, my blog is competing with Zach Braff's now for longest catch-up blog of the week. (I have a lot to say about my growing admiration for him, but not now. I'm too tired.)
Until next time...
Anyway, lots of stuff to report, most of it good. For one thing, my writer's block ios finally gone. I wrote my first scene of Chasing Ghosts yesterday, and this afternoon I've been sitting at work thinking about the scene I'll write when I get home (or tomorrow morning, more likely. I am extremely tired for reasons I'll go into in a bit.)
I have a feeling that now that I've found my opening, Chapter One should pretty much write itself. I'm really excited about this project, even more so than my first novel (which I'm still revising).
I want to write my book jacket/synopsis, but I'm a little afraid to post it publically. Suffice it to say that the story is about a mother and daughter who both have to face their pasts in order to move forward with their lives.
Moving on...
The reason I'm so tired is because I stayed up until 2 AM last night and had to get up at 8:30 to attend "drive-through prayer". This is a church community thing that my pastor does once a month... it's the first time I've ever done it. Basically, he puts out a sign saying, "Drive Through Prayer" on the steret, and those of us who have volunteered for this stand on the street corner and wave to people driving or walking by. People can stop to ask us to pray with them.
It was really cold this morning. I was wearing my light jeans jacket as always--I have an actual winter coat in my car, but I never think to wear it, because I just don't get cold. (When I was at school in Syracuse, I got sent back to my dorm for walking in the snow without a coat on.) Pastor Dan insisted on lending me his winter coat, which I didn't wear. My hands were freezing, though. At first I was putting one hand in my pocket and waving to cars with the other hand, and switching them periodically. FInally, someone lent me a glove, and that solved that problem.
I was a little nervous about praying for people because I've never done it before. Last week, Pastor Dan had said that God will always provide you with what you need to do His work, but that didn't quite make sense--what's the point of praying if God has to tell you what to tell Him?? So when Pastor Dan did the first prayer, I sort of hung back and watched and listened to see what a "real" prayer sounded like.
For a long while, no-one stopped for prayer, though a lot of people honked and waved back at us. That gave me a lot of time to think. I was thinking about Dave, about how glad he would be that I was getting involved with a church, about how he might have reacted to this whole thing we were doing here. Also about how he would never have let me stand on a street without wearing a winter coat in the first place so that I wouldn't have been in the position of having to allow the pastor to lend me one when I already had one in my car.
Anyway, eventually this lady came up and wanted prayer for herself and her family. I prayed with her... at first I didn't know what to say, but then, sure enough, the words did come to me. I felt so good after I prayed, like this world is a beautiful place and I'm glad to be in it (how's that for cliched thinking?) Thinking about it, I realized that I've been living inside my head for far too long. Besides Dave, I never really shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone, so... since he died I've been living entirely in my head. And while I love my head, that's not always a great place to be. I need to get out in the world and remember I'm a human being.
Speaking of which, I joined eharmony about 2 months ago. I didn't really hold out any hope of finding anyone. I don't know why I spent the money to become a member. I was lonely, I guess, and even though I really miss Dave I realized I can't stay romantically loyal to his memory forever because I still have to live my life even though he's gone.
So anyway, I've been corresponding with this guy. He's a teacher also, and he loves teaching because he thinks it's very important to teach kids to think for themselves. Tonight I got an e-mail from him asking if I thought we should meet in person and talk more.
I'm excited because this is the very first time I've ever been asked out (the way it happened with me and Dave doesn't count... we were very best friends and somewhere along the line we just decided since our feelings were so deep for each other we might as well go further). Of course, I know about Internet safety and all that. I'm going to suggest to this guy that we exchange phone numbers and talk for a while first before we go out in person. I figure phone numbers can always be changed if need be.
Anyway, back to my church experience. (I'm really tired so this blog might not make much sense. Unfortunately, I have 2 hours left at work with very little to do. I need to wake up.) After praying with that lady, as I said, I felt spiritually more awake than I had in a long time. I wanted to pray with other people but unfortunately none came along :(
By the time it ended at 2 PM, my feet were so cold I could barely feel them as I walked back to my car. I went home, ate lunch, and watched an episode of Scrubs that I taped last night and missed most of because I didn't get home from work on time. It was one of my favourite episodes from Season 1, My Old Lady. It showed all three main doctors (interns in that season) dealing with patients who might be the 1 out of 3 patients who was destined to die there. JD's patient was an elderly woman whom he grew attached to. Unfortunately, when her kidneys failed, she refused dialysis and he had to accept that she was going to die. In a last-ditch effort to convince her to change her mind, JD made a list of a bunch of things he thought everyone should do in their life. She replied, "How many of the things on that list have you done? For that matter, how often have you sat on the grass and done nothing? You need to take more time for yourself. Promise me you will."
The episode ended after her death (well, actually, the death of all three patients) with JD lying on the grass reflecting that when patients die, you have to take what you can from your time with them, "even if all it is is lying on the grass thinking about all the things you still have to do."
I don't know exactly why this episode affected me the way it did, but of all the episodes I've seen (and I've seen 90% of them, several enough times to memorize them), this struck me as one of the best and most important.
Oh dear, I'm rambling, aren't I? When I find myself summzarizing every detail of Scrubs episodes it's probably time to quit. Besides, my blog is competing with Zach Braff's now for longest catch-up blog of the week. (I have a lot to say about my growing admiration for him, but not now. I'm too tired.)
Until next time...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
First post of the New Year
I'm sorry it's been such a long time since I've written. I've been busy since the year began.
First of all, I got a temp job. I'm working at Univision 40--the local Spanish-language channel. Basically I'm working the control booth, making sure the local commercials air at the proper time. They're planning on automating this process within the next month or two, so in the meantime they need a temp to do it.
I'm glad to be working, even though I work the night shift (4-12), which means that I'm tired all the time and don't seem to be able to cram everything else I need to do into the day. It's also a little sad... whenever I'm getting ready to leave work for the night, I think of Dave. I think about how it would be if he were here with me, how he would probably leave something on the stove for me to eat when I came in or if he was awake he'd have a show on I like for us to watch together. I miss him the most on the way home from work at midnight.
I work five minutes from my house, which is much nicer than the 3o min commute I had when I worked at Kinko's. When I lived with Dave, I hurried home to be with him. Now I hurry home to watch Scrubs.
Anyway...
So in between work shifts I'm writing the third draft of my novel. I also have an idea for another novel, which I've barely started. I'm not happy with what I've written so far, which doesn't surprise me, because 1) I've been reading a lot of "light" stuff--mainstream romance novels and the like--so I'm sure my voice is influenced by what I'm reading and 2) this new project is so ambitious that I'm not going to be happy with it until I've worked and worked and worked.
My new novel is called Chasing Ghosts. It's a generational story told in bits and pieces... some parts will be from the point of view of a young single mother, and others will take place 20 years later and be from the point of view of her daughter. The mother's story is about her attempt to forge a relationship with a guy she knew only briefly as a child, and how difficult it is for her to create a new relationship because she's still in love with her husband, who passed away. The daughter's story is about her attempt to create a new life for herself in the city her mother moved them from after her father's death. She's moved there in order to start over again after being found guilty by association of shoplifting, but she can't seem to free herself of her past.
I'm excited about it... if only I can write it.
Some other news:
1) One of my teaching classes started today. I have to write a "literacy autobiography" detailing my experiences with learning to read and write. It's slow going because I taught myself and my main experiences in elementary school were of being told, "You're too young to be able to read like this." I don't think a bitter essay about how stupid my teachers were is quite the point of the exercise.
2) I found out that Zach Braff has a myspace page. He encourages his fans to add him as a friend. I've been procrastinating because I want to write him a fan e-mail and also because I have this fantasy he'll actually look at my page before he adds me, which I'm sure he's way too busy to do. In any case, I'm way too busy to make some changes to my page I want to make before anyone of consequence looks at it. Unfortunately time is ticking, as always... he says on his blog that he'll read all fan mail for now but if enough people contact him he won't be able to anymore... and so far there are 10000+ people added to his page. On the top of his friends list is his brother, who is apparently a writer and gives aspiring writers advice in his blog.
I've been spending way too much time on the Internet looking at all this stuff.
First of all, I got a temp job. I'm working at Univision 40--the local Spanish-language channel. Basically I'm working the control booth, making sure the local commercials air at the proper time. They're planning on automating this process within the next month or two, so in the meantime they need a temp to do it.
I'm glad to be working, even though I work the night shift (4-12), which means that I'm tired all the time and don't seem to be able to cram everything else I need to do into the day. It's also a little sad... whenever I'm getting ready to leave work for the night, I think of Dave. I think about how it would be if he were here with me, how he would probably leave something on the stove for me to eat when I came in or if he was awake he'd have a show on I like for us to watch together. I miss him the most on the way home from work at midnight.
I work five minutes from my house, which is much nicer than the 3o min commute I had when I worked at Kinko's. When I lived with Dave, I hurried home to be with him. Now I hurry home to watch Scrubs.
Anyway...
So in between work shifts I'm writing the third draft of my novel. I also have an idea for another novel, which I've barely started. I'm not happy with what I've written so far, which doesn't surprise me, because 1) I've been reading a lot of "light" stuff--mainstream romance novels and the like--so I'm sure my voice is influenced by what I'm reading and 2) this new project is so ambitious that I'm not going to be happy with it until I've worked and worked and worked.
My new novel is called Chasing Ghosts. It's a generational story told in bits and pieces... some parts will be from the point of view of a young single mother, and others will take place 20 years later and be from the point of view of her daughter. The mother's story is about her attempt to forge a relationship with a guy she knew only briefly as a child, and how difficult it is for her to create a new relationship because she's still in love with her husband, who passed away. The daughter's story is about her attempt to create a new life for herself in the city her mother moved them from after her father's death. She's moved there in order to start over again after being found guilty by association of shoplifting, but she can't seem to free herself of her past.
I'm excited about it... if only I can write it.
Some other news:
1) One of my teaching classes started today. I have to write a "literacy autobiography" detailing my experiences with learning to read and write. It's slow going because I taught myself and my main experiences in elementary school were of being told, "You're too young to be able to read like this." I don't think a bitter essay about how stupid my teachers were is quite the point of the exercise.
2) I found out that Zach Braff has a myspace page. He encourages his fans to add him as a friend. I've been procrastinating because I want to write him a fan e-mail and also because I have this fantasy he'll actually look at my page before he adds me, which I'm sure he's way too busy to do. In any case, I'm way too busy to make some changes to my page I want to make before anyone of consequence looks at it. Unfortunately time is ticking, as always... he says on his blog that he'll read all fan mail for now but if enough people contact him he won't be able to anymore... and so far there are 10000+ people added to his page. On the top of his friends list is his brother, who is apparently a writer and gives aspiring writers advice in his blog.
I've been spending way too much time on the Internet looking at all this stuff.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)