I was going to write a nice, normal entry about the job interview I had this afternoon, but first I took a detour to do some homework for my SPED classes. We had to write about the role(s) of the SPED teacher.
I found myself writing about the teacher's need for courage and compassion, to do what's best for a child who is struggling with academic and/or behavioral problems. As I wrote, I realized that many of the same qualities that led me to love Dave so much led me to this choice of career path.
I feel as if I am honoring his memory by becoming a special education teacher.
Enough said.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Adventures in shopping and cooking
I got up early for the first time this morning. I knew I was going to... I told myself that no matter what I would. Dave always got me up early and now I would too. Otherwise I'd waste another day... and I of all people should know, now, that life is too precious and too fleeting to waste.
True to form, last night I stayed up until 2 AM reading Between Friends. I couldn't put it down... there was too much in there that I needed to read about love and loss and coping. I couldn't sleep for a long time afterwards. There were too many feelings to process. I kept trying to make myself think about my Harry Potter fanfiction but I kept thinking about Dave and how much I miss him. I got up to go to the bathroom, and then again to get some juice, still missing him. I felt anxious and afraid, like I might die too. I told myself the juice was the dreamless sleep potion from Goblet of Fire and went to bed.
This morning I made myself get up when the alarm rang at 8:15. I made myself eat and shower and do normal things. First I went to the Social Security office and applied for a new, non-laminated card. I sat there for half an hour, waiting. There was an empty chair next to me. I put my arm in it and imagined I was putting my arm around Dave the way I did so often when we waited together at places like this. I could almost feel him there, could almost feel my arm on his shoulder and then on his knee...
When that was done it felt good to have finally accomplished something.
I wanted to check out a supermarket I had found on-line. It was on a back road in the middle of nowhere, I went down it for a long time. The road was curvy and occasionally there was a dirt path leading to a farmhouse on the left or on the right. Finally I came to a very small lot next to a very small store. This was the supermarket.
I laughed to myself as I walked down the aisles. There wasn't much there I wanted. These were shelves full of things I had never heard of. A lot of okra and collard greens. It was like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies. Dave would have loved to hear about it.
After that, I was going to go home, but I turned the wrong way and had to turn around on one of those dirt paths. I looked in my rearview mirror, and there was a cop behind me. I kept trying to figure out the speed limit but there was no sign and I didn't want to take any risks, especially since I forgot to bring my registration and insurance, and my car still has out-of-state plates. I started looking for a place to turn, praying he wouldn't stop me before then. Finally I came to a shopping center on the left. I pulled in. The cop went straight ahead, then turned left at the next street. For one paranoid moment I thought he knew I came in here just to get away from him. I thought he was waiting for me to come out.
Six years of LA will do that to you.
In any case, there was another supermarket there. It looked like a big one. I didn't have much hope of finding what I wanted, but I figured I was already here and I didn't want to see that cop again. So I went in.
It was a real market! It was big! There was a butcher and a fish department! There were cloves of garlic! There were baking pans!
I went down every aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything. My stomach was growling and I hoped the milk I'd bought at the other place wasn't spoiling in the car. But I had to check everything out.
After I'd paid I asked the bag boy how to get back home. He knew how, but he said he didn't know the names of the streets. He was going to write it down but neither of us had a pen. (Ha! Dave always teased me about being a writer without a pen...) So he told me, "Go down the road until it ends, make a left, then make a right on Ramsey. It has a yield sign." He seemed surprised that I could remember all that. I just hoped the cop was long gone and there were no others.
So I got home easily. That's when I discovered I had a Dropping Curse put on me. When I was putting the groceries away, I dropped a whole container of blueberries on the floor. I figured you have to wash them before you eat them, so I put them back in the case (except the really squashed ones) and put them away.
Then I made myself an egg white sandwich. I used four egg whites. I spilled half of them on the stove, where they immediately burned to the burner. I had to switch the pan to the other side and clean up what I could without starting a fire.
The sandwich was really good. It reminded me of Dave. He used to make me egg sandwiches.
I have to go to the DMV and bank, but I think that will wait until tomorrow so I can finish my homework and relax.
It does feel good to be taking care of things. Dave would be so proud of me.
True to form, last night I stayed up until 2 AM reading Between Friends. I couldn't put it down... there was too much in there that I needed to read about love and loss and coping. I couldn't sleep for a long time afterwards. There were too many feelings to process. I kept trying to make myself think about my Harry Potter fanfiction but I kept thinking about Dave and how much I miss him. I got up to go to the bathroom, and then again to get some juice, still missing him. I felt anxious and afraid, like I might die too. I told myself the juice was the dreamless sleep potion from Goblet of Fire and went to bed.
This morning I made myself get up when the alarm rang at 8:15. I made myself eat and shower and do normal things. First I went to the Social Security office and applied for a new, non-laminated card. I sat there for half an hour, waiting. There was an empty chair next to me. I put my arm in it and imagined I was putting my arm around Dave the way I did so often when we waited together at places like this. I could almost feel him there, could almost feel my arm on his shoulder and then on his knee...
When that was done it felt good to have finally accomplished something.
I wanted to check out a supermarket I had found on-line. It was on a back road in the middle of nowhere, I went down it for a long time. The road was curvy and occasionally there was a dirt path leading to a farmhouse on the left or on the right. Finally I came to a very small lot next to a very small store. This was the supermarket.
I laughed to myself as I walked down the aisles. There wasn't much there I wanted. These were shelves full of things I had never heard of. A lot of okra and collard greens. It was like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies. Dave would have loved to hear about it.
After that, I was going to go home, but I turned the wrong way and had to turn around on one of those dirt paths. I looked in my rearview mirror, and there was a cop behind me. I kept trying to figure out the speed limit but there was no sign and I didn't want to take any risks, especially since I forgot to bring my registration and insurance, and my car still has out-of-state plates. I started looking for a place to turn, praying he wouldn't stop me before then. Finally I came to a shopping center on the left. I pulled in. The cop went straight ahead, then turned left at the next street. For one paranoid moment I thought he knew I came in here just to get away from him. I thought he was waiting for me to come out.
Six years of LA will do that to you.
In any case, there was another supermarket there. It looked like a big one. I didn't have much hope of finding what I wanted, but I figured I was already here and I didn't want to see that cop again. So I went in.
It was a real market! It was big! There was a butcher and a fish department! There were cloves of garlic! There were baking pans!
I went down every aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything. My stomach was growling and I hoped the milk I'd bought at the other place wasn't spoiling in the car. But I had to check everything out.
After I'd paid I asked the bag boy how to get back home. He knew how, but he said he didn't know the names of the streets. He was going to write it down but neither of us had a pen. (Ha! Dave always teased me about being a writer without a pen...) So he told me, "Go down the road until it ends, make a left, then make a right on Ramsey. It has a yield sign." He seemed surprised that I could remember all that. I just hoped the cop was long gone and there were no others.
So I got home easily. That's when I discovered I had a Dropping Curse put on me. When I was putting the groceries away, I dropped a whole container of blueberries on the floor. I figured you have to wash them before you eat them, so I put them back in the case (except the really squashed ones) and put them away.
Then I made myself an egg white sandwich. I used four egg whites. I spilled half of them on the stove, where they immediately burned to the burner. I had to switch the pan to the other side and clean up what I could without starting a fire.
The sandwich was really good. It reminded me of Dave. He used to make me egg sandwiches.
I have to go to the DMV and bank, but I think that will wait until tomorrow so I can finish my homework and relax.
It does feel good to be taking care of things. Dave would be so proud of me.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Dedication page
These pages are written in loving memory of David Newton... of the dreams and the love that we shared.
AND
to myself, and all I intend to become
Prologue
Well... Here I am in North Carolina.
Until recently, my life was unfulfilling but predictable. I lived in Los Angeles with my best friend, who I loved so much... I worked at a menial job... I tried to pay my bills... I put up with a routinized chaos, where some days were bad and other days were tolerable. If I thought about it hard enough, I knew which days would be which.
But two weeks ago I moved to North Carolina. I'm here studying to get my license to teach special education. I was hoping to get a teaching job, but it may not happen. Right now I don't have any job at all, which is frightening and frustrating, but I know God will provide me with something. If only it happens soon...
In any case, I'm moving towards the life I am meant to live and the person I am meant to become.
Follow me through these pages and see...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)