Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I don't like the idea of praying for other people to change, because really, other people's shortcomings are between them and G-d and it is NONE of our business. Nobody changes unless they want to or G-d changes their heart to want them to. And after all I have experienced in the past year and even in the past DAY, I would be very, very scared of people praying for me to change.
I have a lot of qualities that some people would consider "sinful". I am biromantic. I support LGBT rights. I support the right of people NOT to believe in Jesus or G-d if they so choose. I believe people ought to do what is best for themselves, in conjunction with G-d's will, even if it means hurting someone else's feelings or disappointing someone.
Don't anyone DARE pray for me to repent from any of those "sins".
I'm a little bit angry, which is a problem, because carrying around a ton of anger and pain is not the appropriate way to live your life. Last night, we went to Yom Kippor services, or attempted to, at the Messianic temple we once called home. Immediately, the three of us felt uncomfortable, and we soon left.
That was only the beginning.
I was remembering two things in the car on the way back. One was how my mother for YEARS went to temple even though she didn't believe in it, because she was afraid G-d would punish her if she didn't She was MISERABLE during High Holiday time. Rosh Hashanah, which is supposed to be a time of great joy, was always a horrible day growing up, because my mom was in such a bad mood from forcing herself to go to a temple she hated.
I didn't want to be like that, and I could see myself becoming that way. There is no WAY I will ever set foot inside that temple again.
The original reason I left was because of the homophobia there. Almost everyone knows my story already... my close friendship with a bisexual person (now a bisexual couple)... the fact that that person nearly COMMITTED SUICIDE because of homophobia... my passion as a result for reversing the high trend towards suicide among LGBT people... my coming to terms with my asexuality... and finally my realization that I want a female partner...
When I am dating my girlfriend, I will not be able to bring her to temple because of these people who think showing G-d's love = judging homosexuals... and to me that is offensive. Not as offensive as guiding someone towards suicide in the name of love, but offensive nevertheless.
Anyway, in the car on the way back it just seemed everyone was PASSIONATELY upset. My best friends, who are engaged to each other, were tense with each other... afraid that their passion and their religious beliefs could drive them apart. I just sat there thinking, This temple didn't kill my brother and it will NOT kill their relationship either. There wasn't any way to influence it, of course, but that's what I felt.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Some days I wonder why I'm doing this. This kind of life is far better for me than working at a job. It's supposed to help me support myself while I get my writing in place so that I can live the life I want to live. But lately it just seems like there's too much to do, too many projects that need doing in order to make enough money to pay the bills, too much other stuff in other areas of my life, too much going on at once. I'm overwhelmed just as much as I was at a regular job without the security of a paycheck, knowing this is not exactly how I want to live or what I want to do and not sure it'll pay enough to keep me going.
I've been broke for several days now. It's been a struggle to feed myself and my cat, never mind do anything else I need to do. I'm waiting endlessly for some money to transfer and to get paid from freelance jobs. I have to clean the kitchen. I have to plunge my toilet somehow. I have to find time to work on Shades of Gay.
I'm glad I chose this life, I really am. This is a lot closer to what I want to be doing, and I'm not wasting my days doing something for someone else that has nothing to do with my life's goals. But I'm still not living the way I want to live.
I'm trying to learn to follow my own path, myself, and the lack of money or schedules is not making it any easier. I want Shades of Gay to be a success. I want to continue to live in my apartment. I want to take care of my cat. I want to be close with my best friends/chosen family.
Friday, September 18, 2009
But tonight I am faced with the consequences of my past in a very hurtful way. My brother asked me to wear something white in honor of the holiday. So being a night owl, I'm looking through my closet at 3 AM for something to wear.
I can not find my good white shirt anywhere, first of all. I had it just a few weeks ago... I washed it... I put it away... and it is not in the closet.
I found a gorgeous cream colored skirt I would like to wear. I have never worn it. There is only one problem. It does not fit over my hips.
So here I am, at 3:15 AM the last night of the Old Year, sitting here crying because I've gained 30 pounds in the last year and can't seem to stick to my diet any more to get them back off. I do well for a few days, then I go back to the old habits. It's just too hard to try to figure out what to eat and when to eat it, especially when I'm constantly worried about money and spending it on food sometimes feels like a luxury.
I don't regret this life I've chosen. I'm following my dream and it's going to be hard for a while but then it'll be all right. But right now it feels like I just don't have the money to live right.
So I'm sitting here crying a little because the skirt I wanted to wear doesn't fit and I feel like I don't take proper care of myself because I either eat too much or too little and I'm living on bagels and frozen foods. And I'm going to wear a gorgeous blue flowered skirt with white centers in each flower which fits comfortably and I love, but what the hell am I going to do for a top? And my grandmother's light green scarf, which would have gone perfectly with the cream colored skirt, isn't going to go with the blue one, even if I can find a top. And I want to buy a new outfit but even if my unemployment check comes tomorrow like it's supposed to, there's no way I can afford it.
It seems ridiculous in the scheme of things, but tonight it's important.
Tonight is the last night of the old year, the old life. The old life apparently is trying its hardest to keep living, even though its time is almost gone. The new life, the future stretches before me, if I can just get past this one stupid obstacle.
I want to change. I've started changing already. I'm starting to make money as a freelancer and I'm sure that will only improve over time. But tonight, I just want an outfit to wear to temple tomorrow. I want to dress up and look beautiful and honor G-d. I want to show the judgmental assholes at this temple that I've moved on and am doing better than ever without their influence in my life.
I want a white dress that fits. I want money to buy a dress and a body it looks good on.
I'm ready for change, G-d, where do I begin?
Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...
8 - the Asserter
Thanks for taking the test !
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me
• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT
• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often
• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
EIGHTs as Parents
• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.
Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test? so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!
I think this is more my ideal self than necessarily who I am... I don't always assert myself because when I do, I generally come on too strong and scare people away with my passion. And I am passionate about EVERYTHING.
Hmm... I have to think about this some more lol.