Comin' along...

I had two interviews this week. The first was for a one-on-one Resource Specialist. It would be part-time, which sucks, but would give me experience, which is good.

The second one wouldn't start until fall, but at that point I could get hired either as a resource specialist (working with up to ten kids at a time) or to teach an autistic classroom. I really really liked this school too. I had a good feeling about it. I'm going to write a thank you note today and of course stop by their table on Saturday when I go to the job fair.

In the meantime, I've revised another chapter and a half of my novel and have another two and a half chapters to go. I'll definitely have a draft ready by the summer conference (no agents there, but maybe I can workshop it) and a proposal ready by fall.

And I'm starting a new temp job right after Easter.

Everything's going great, so why I did I wake up feeling blah this morning?

I guess it actually started last night when I got the application to the bigger conference in Gettysburg. I would love to go. Five days of writing workshops, publishing workshops, and networking. It woulds tart on June 6, which would have been Dave's birthday, so of course I want to be productive so I'm not thinking about how much I miss him.

The problem is, it's $585 tuition and $335 for room and board.

I can't afford it. My counselor says I don't have to go this year and I should just wait on it. My mature self knows she's right.

But I really feel like paying the deposit on it anyway and hoping that I somehow come up with the rest of the money. (Otherwise I'm out $150) It's not like I won't have some money coming in from the temp job. It's not like I don't have $1200 in savings.

But I don't want to waste $150 just because I wish I could go.

Being a grown-up is hard sometimes.

It's weird being as happy as I have been the last few weeks. Most of the time I am glad for my progress forward, even though I'm lonely without Dave to share it with. But sometimes, lying in bed at night, I think, My God, I'm really going to get everything I wanted, and I feel... afraid. Not of anything specific. Just kind of nervous.

I always knew a proper life was just a matter of me making up my mind to be successful. I just didn't do it.

I think about Dave sometimes and I feel so sad that he didn't get a chance to come out here and live a better life. And then I think about him with the alcohol and I wonder if he really would have been capable of living better. I wish I didn't think that way. It feels like a betrayal of my love and belief in him. But there it is.

Anyway, I'm not going to let this blah feeling get me down. I'm going to keep moving forward, even if I have to face feeling alone.

It's raining today. No wonder I feel blah, even though it's a good thing because it'll mositen the soil where im trying to make a garden plot.

It's been a while...

I've been so productive lately that I haven't had time to update my blog.

It all started two weeks ago when I spent the weekend up in DC with my old college roommate. (I can't remember if I've written about this, but I don't think so.) I had a really great time. At the same time, it underscored the fact that moving to LA was a colossal mistake in my life. Well, for the most part anyway. When I left Syracuse, I had a good group of friends and hope for the future. In LA I faced poverty, depression, and loneliness. If it weren't for Dave, the whole thing would have been a waste of six years. And then, of course, he died just as I was beginning to start a new life in North Carolina.

Such were my thoughts on the train ride home from DC. I began a small pity party, thinking about my messy house and my messed up life and Dave being gone and... well, me being almost 29, which is just a year away from 30.

Pity loves any excuse to throw a depressing party, doesn't it?

But the next morning I woke up, still in NC, still with a messy house, still minus the love of my life, but with a new attitude. I read John 9:5: "As long as I am in this world, I am the light of the world." and it really affected me. I decided to remake my life into what it ought to be. I decided to let the past go. I decided to start by cleaning my house.

And I decided that this was the very last time I was starting over. I've had moments of clarity like this before, moods of optimism and growth. But they were just moments and they passed, leaving me in the same position I was before.

This time I decided that this was IT. I spent all week cleaning my house and from now on Saturday is the day to maintain it: to vacuum, wash floors, throw away papers, and do the laundry.

Never again will I spend an entire week making my house livable.

And never again will I allow depression to control how I live my life.

Even that relatively small decision was not easy to make. My best imaginary friend JD was whining quite a bit while I was cleaning the kitchen because he wanted to write. Plus it was strange to stand at the sink washing dishes, allowing the memories of Dave's insistence on clean dishes wash over me. To realize that though he's gone, his spirit of productivity is in me. To feel happy instead of sad.

I see it like this now: I devoted a week to cleaning house even though there were other things I wanted to do because if I do it now, I won't have to do it later. A clean house is easier to maintain than a dirty house is to clean. So I put the time in now so I can be freed up for more important things.

I was 90% done by Wednesday. Thursday was a job fair at FSU. So I devoted some time to rewriting my resume and copying it along with my test scores. While I was at Staples, I picked up a dry-erase board. JD thought -- that is, I thought -- that I could use a dry-erase board to help me keep track of what I ought to be doing. I wish Dave was here to see this... he was always on my ass about how I was a writer who hated writing things down and making lists.

Anyway, I hammered two nails into the wall to hang up the dry-erase board (again thinking of Dave, who taught me how to use tools) and re-hung my calendar with poster tape. On the board, I have four corners and a middle section. In one corner I list long-term goals and the hoped-for date of completion. In the opposite corner goes today's date, under which I list the things I hope to accomplish today. In the bottom right corner is the TV schedule: any programs I plan on watching in the evening. And in the bottom left is a list of appointments and errands for the day. As I accomplish things, I erase them off the board. Right now in the middle I have an encouraging message for myself about my job hunt.

Speaking of which, I got two call backs from the job fair already. I have interviews on Monday and Wednesday, and they are for positions that are open RIGHT NOW. I thought I would have to wait until fall because no-one would hire someone now for a teaching job.

When I get hired I plan on telling everyone I know (similar to how I plan on broadcasting the news of me getting published when that happens.) I'm even going to call Pastor Dan. I'm going to call him around Easter anyway to keep in touch. I still think of his sermons often.

In the meantime, I'm 99% finished with my website. I'm having a problem with my background music, which I haven't figured out as of yet. But anyone who is interested can look at http://www.stephaniesilberstein.com Use Internet Explorer--I have it configured to reject Firefox. (There's a way around it but I ain't telling unless it's absolutely necessary.) I'd love to hear some feedback before my site goes public (and besides I'm tired of my visitor counter saying I've had one visitor :D)

Well, now that I have gotten to the end of the obligatory "everything is going great" post it's time for me to decide if I want to revise my novel or practice the drums first. Until next time...

Spring

Spring is here.

The last few days have been very warm. Today it rained all day and it's back to being cold tonight. After this weekend, it's going back to being warm.

More importantly, I've once again begun getting my life back on track. Today I cleaned almost my whole house: my bedroom, computer room, dining room, and half the living room. I decided last night that I can't take care of any of my loftier ambitions until I get my house in order. I intend to be a writer and I'm going to be a writer. But first I need a clean house.

I decided also that this is the last time I'm starting over. I don't mean that I won't keep changing and growing and I don't mean that I won't keep moving forward with my life. But it seems that in the half year since Dave died, I've had moments of lucidity, glimpses of the life I should be living. I'll live the way I'm meant to live for a day or two. Then I'll get depressed and everything will go back to the way it was until I can't stand it anymore and try to get back on track for a little while.

I'm stating all this here, in my public blog, because I am not going through all of that anymore. I'm getting my act together and keeping it that way. I don't care what depression, fear, and loneliness have to say. I'm not letting them control me anymore.

I already know how valuable time is and how uncertain life is. If ntohing else, Dave taught me that. But this is my way of saying, I mean it.

I'm halfway through my next draft of my novel. I'm going to go all the way with it. I mean that.

I'm writing a new story. I'm going to finish it and get it published. I mean that.

I have an idea for a second novel. As soon as I'm done with the major work on this one and have started the submissions process, I'm going to begin working on it. I mean that.

I'm going to have a teaching job next year. I mean that.

I've lost almost 30 lbs and I'm going to lose the remaining 40 to get down to my proper weight. I mean that.

I'm going to be healthy and happy. I mean that.

I'm going to face down depression and fear. I mean that.

The list goes on and on. I don't know exactly what it is I intend to get out of life, but I do intend to live. This spring is a season of resurrection. I'm putting aside my old, immature self and emerging anew, fully adult and ready to face and engage the world.