It's been a while...

I've been so productive lately that I haven't had time to update my blog.

It all started two weeks ago when I spent the weekend up in DC with my old college roommate. (I can't remember if I've written about this, but I don't think so.) I had a really great time. At the same time, it underscored the fact that moving to LA was a colossal mistake in my life. Well, for the most part anyway. When I left Syracuse, I had a good group of friends and hope for the future. In LA I faced poverty, depression, and loneliness. If it weren't for Dave, the whole thing would have been a waste of six years. And then, of course, he died just as I was beginning to start a new life in North Carolina.

Such were my thoughts on the train ride home from DC. I began a small pity party, thinking about my messy house and my messed up life and Dave being gone and... well, me being almost 29, which is just a year away from 30.

Pity loves any excuse to throw a depressing party, doesn't it?

But the next morning I woke up, still in NC, still with a messy house, still minus the love of my life, but with a new attitude. I read John 9:5: "As long as I am in this world, I am the light of the world." and it really affected me. I decided to remake my life into what it ought to be. I decided to let the past go. I decided to start by cleaning my house.

And I decided that this was the very last time I was starting over. I've had moments of clarity like this before, moods of optimism and growth. But they were just moments and they passed, leaving me in the same position I was before.

This time I decided that this was IT. I spent all week cleaning my house and from now on Saturday is the day to maintain it: to vacuum, wash floors, throw away papers, and do the laundry.

Never again will I spend an entire week making my house livable.

And never again will I allow depression to control how I live my life.

Even that relatively small decision was not easy to make. My best imaginary friend JD was whining quite a bit while I was cleaning the kitchen because he wanted to write. Plus it was strange to stand at the sink washing dishes, allowing the memories of Dave's insistence on clean dishes wash over me. To realize that though he's gone, his spirit of productivity is in me. To feel happy instead of sad.

I see it like this now: I devoted a week to cleaning house even though there were other things I wanted to do because if I do it now, I won't have to do it later. A clean house is easier to maintain than a dirty house is to clean. So I put the time in now so I can be freed up for more important things.

I was 90% done by Wednesday. Thursday was a job fair at FSU. So I devoted some time to rewriting my resume and copying it along with my test scores. While I was at Staples, I picked up a dry-erase board. JD thought -- that is, I thought -- that I could use a dry-erase board to help me keep track of what I ought to be doing. I wish Dave was here to see this... he was always on my ass about how I was a writer who hated writing things down and making lists.

Anyway, I hammered two nails into the wall to hang up the dry-erase board (again thinking of Dave, who taught me how to use tools) and re-hung my calendar with poster tape. On the board, I have four corners and a middle section. In one corner I list long-term goals and the hoped-for date of completion. In the opposite corner goes today's date, under which I list the things I hope to accomplish today. In the bottom right corner is the TV schedule: any programs I plan on watching in the evening. And in the bottom left is a list of appointments and errands for the day. As I accomplish things, I erase them off the board. Right now in the middle I have an encouraging message for myself about my job hunt.

Speaking of which, I got two call backs from the job fair already. I have interviews on Monday and Wednesday, and they are for positions that are open RIGHT NOW. I thought I would have to wait until fall because no-one would hire someone now for a teaching job.

When I get hired I plan on telling everyone I know (similar to how I plan on broadcasting the news of me getting published when that happens.) I'm even going to call Pastor Dan. I'm going to call him around Easter anyway to keep in touch. I still think of his sermons often.

In the meantime, I'm 99% finished with my website. I'm having a problem with my background music, which I haven't figured out as of yet. But anyone who is interested can look at http://www.stephaniesilberstein.com Use Internet Explorer--I have it configured to reject Firefox. (There's a way around it but I ain't telling unless it's absolutely necessary.) I'd love to hear some feedback before my site goes public (and besides I'm tired of my visitor counter saying I've had one visitor :D)

Well, now that I have gotten to the end of the obligatory "everything is going great" post it's time for me to decide if I want to revise my novel or practice the drums first. Until next time...