I won this ribbon tonight at Toastmasters. It's the first ribbon I've won... well, I won one for Best Speaker once, but I was the only one speaking that night so it didn't really count.

Tonight I got chosen to speak on the Table Topic of "something I am to blame for." I didn't like that topic because it made all sorts of things run through my head that I didn't really want there... things like a voice demanding why I took Dave for granted and whether he really knew I loved him at the end. I did not want to go there. Not tonight.

So instead I talked about why I don't like the word "blame". "Blame suggests guilt, the feeling that I did something wrong, that I ought to be ashamed of," I said. I then explained how I've struggled with perfectionism... I'm often too hard on myself, and have only recently learned to "forgive myself, the way God forgives me."

Then I went on to talk about responsibility. I talked about being the author of my own life, of always having choices, of always being able to improve. I talked about the importance of living a life I could be proud of.

I ended my speech ten seconds before the upper time limit. I knew I was going to win before they even called for a vote. It was easily the best, and truest, speech I'd ever given.

Tihs was the bright spot in an otherwise very strange day. It wasn't a bad day... it's just that things are not quite going right. When driving the two blocks to Toastmasters, my oil light flashed on and then went off. I don't know what that means, but I suppose I should take the car in tomorrow.

I have places I need to go so I need a working car. But, more than that, it was always an important part of the team. Me, Dave, and the car. One of the last things he ever did was get the car to me. If anything happens to this car it'll be a real loss... I'll be the only member of the team left. The car was important to Dave and important to me.

When I came home, I found my toilet clogged and not responding to my plunger. Time to call a plumber...

And all of a sudden my ear has started hurting. I don't know if it's a reaction to flying twice in four days or if I'm sick. If it doesn't go away, that will have to be checked too.

It's not always easy being responsible. I'm trying to make the life I want, and I'm laughing at all these tiny mishaps... but I could do without problems when I'm trying to get everything together.