Dreams

I have to go get my tires checked before heading out to Raleigh to meet a friend at the movies, but I wanted to write down a couple of strange dreams I had last night.

First, I was at my drum lesson and I couldn't keep proper time because the metronome was going faster and faster. It wasn't an electronic metronome; it was one of those old-fashioned upright ones where you have to release the lever to go back and forth. Anyway, after several tries, I realised it was the metronome, not me, and told my drum teacher. He said, "You're right. I guess I'll have to throw that one away."

The scene then changed to the school I work at. This TA asked me to put away some paper clips on her desk and I realised I'd never seen her desk before except briefly when we were setting something else up there. The bell rang 30 minutes early and the kids thought it was time to leave and I couldn't convince them otherwise.

So I left and my tires felt funny so I pulled in somewhere. My friend David (not Dave, this is a friend from temple) was there too. I asked him if he knew how to change a tire and he said he did but we couldn't find my spare tire in my trunk. He had some people with him who kept rushing him but he jumped into my car and started driving. I thought at least he has a license, not like the other Dave. He went through a red light by accident and sure enough we got pulled over. We pulled off the freeway and the cop went the other way so we pulled back on and he was still there so we got off again and waited but the cop was coaching sports right in front of us. David was freaking out, he kept saying, "I don't know what to do." I told him to start by getting the insurance card out and hoped he could find it. I was worried about whether it was illegal to drive with tires this bad.

Then I woke from that dream. I went back to sleep.

I dreamed I was looking out the door and a post office worker (who I realised when I woke up was the school custodian where I work) came up with a box for me. She said, "Well, this is the only house on this block so this must be yours." She had a teenage girl with her.

I went to get the package but Ernie ran out of the house. I called, "Ernie, no!" and went to get him. The girl kept saying, "Oh, he's a cat, let him go. I have two cats and they go outside." and the post office worker said, "You should have known better than to have an open door around him." I picked him up and put him back in but he kept running back out.

Then I was at my mom's house trying to tell her about this dream but I remembered the girl having a German accent and I lost my voice trying to imitate it. I was watching Scrubs and the Monty Python theme music came on, which made me happy, and then there was some sort of Monty Python-like fantasy where JD was playing the drums and I wondered if Zach Braff can really play but unfortunately I could tell it was fake.

The scene changed again and I was back at my mom's house. I had plans with my friend Linda for the day. My grandma was over for some reason and she told me to put on a sweater when I was wearing one and put on jeans when I was wearing jeans. My uncle appeared out of nowhere and said, "panic," and I was pissed that he thought I was pissed, and told myself, "Breathe. We talked about this, remember?"and visualised a video game screen. Then Grandma said she wanted breakfast and my mom reminded me she was here because we were all going to the festival of honey. I tried to remind her of the Scrubs episode where this happened to Turk but I got two episodes mixed up. In any case, I walked into the kitchen really angry because I had to flake on Linda the same way she always flakes on me. I was just taking out a square glass dish when I woke up.

OK, I am off, I guess, now that my subconscious has been emptied of weird dreams. :) I will write a real post soon, and in the meantime don't forget another podcast is coming this week-end at heroicmuse.wordpress.com

Where am I going?

As I look out into the night,
and see the stars are shining bright,
I wonder where I am
and where I'm going.
-Kansas

I'm wondering that myself. I can't seem to figure anything out about my life. Work... school... relationship... everything is just up in the air.

For the last two years I've been convinced that I was meant to be a teacher. After four months of teaching, I'm not at all sure anymore. Some days I still love teaching and other days I just wonder why I'm in this career at all.

The past few months have been filled with getting up at 5 AM to commute an hour to school, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing there, dealing with 4 disabled kids who half the time don't listen to me, endless paperwork, missed deadlines, difficulty staying organised and on top of everything... not to mention the rest of my life suffering because I have no fricking time for anything.

It's gotten worse since I've decided to publish my novel because I'm spreading myself even thinner... trying to work on a second career while dealing with the way out of balance first career. I am having a housewarming party next week but my house is becoming a disaster area. I don't have time to clean or do laundry or the things normal people do because my whole life is driving back and forth all over the state of North Carolina in an attempt to live my life. My job is in Elizabethtown (an hour away) and my social life and temple are in Cary (an hour in the other direction). It seems like there's never a minute I can just sit and relax because there's always something I haven't done yet.

In the meantime, though, all my friends gravitate towards me when they have a problem. I've been thinking about changing careers and becoming a counselor. Specifically, I'd like to help people who are struggling with alcohol. Dave died more from alcohol than from crack and I feel passionately about doing something about alcoholism. And several of my friends have turned to me when they have wanted to drink and were trying not to.

I don't know, though. I don't want to quit teaching right when I'm about to finish the coursework, and I don't want to go back to school for ANOTHER three years to work towards ANOTHER career that I may discover I don't like as much as I thought I would. I'm almost 30, for G-d's sake. I need to choose something and settle down. Besides, what I really, really, re-heally want is to be a writer, which is why I'm trying to self-publish and promote my novel. So what am I doing changing careers to something else that won't get me closer to that goal?

What doe G-d want me to do? What am I supposed to do? When I prayed and opened my bible, I got "Seek ye first the kingdom of G-d and all else shall follow." :P Yeah, I know. Pray. That's why I AM praying. I would like a straightforward answer to at least one aspect of my life...

Which brings me to the other Big Issue of my life, which is relationships. I probably shouldn't even be thinking about beginning a relationship now, with my whole life entirely out of balance and everything so uncertain as to what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a deep desire to find the person I'm going to marry, though, almost as deep as my desire to be a writer.

Every time I meet someone who I think might be that person, something gets in the way. They move away or they already have a girlfriend or they don't want to get involved with anyone for some reason. Maybe it's because the time isn't right. I'm impatient, though. I'm tired of feeling like JD in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng61VVx4eLk

Anyway getting upset about it won't help anything. I know that the only way for things to change in my life is for me to change them. I just don't know where to begin.

I am doing a drum solo in June so I guess I'll get off this and go practice for a little while and hope G-d reveals something to me.

It's been a while

I haven't posted anything to this blog in quite a while. Since Dave's last birthday, to be exact.

I've been pretty busy with teaching and all, and I thought I was moving on from the world of blogger. But I'm back now because I miss having a core audience when I blog; my other blogs just don't seem to have that, yet.

So much has happened that I don't even know where to begin, and I don't have much time at the moment. I'm about to leave for a Chanukah party via my temple, which has become my social life. Some time I'll tell you all about my new friends, my non-existent love life, and my plans for the future.

For now, though, let me just say that next June is going to be a powerful month. I'm putting out my first novel, Winter's Silence; I'm playing my first-ever drum solo, and I'll have been a member of my temple for a year. (There was something else but I can't remember it).

I'll be back later tonight or tomorrow to write a real blog. In the meantime, check out my website at www.stephaniesilberstein.com and my podcast at heroicmuse.wordpress.com to see what I've been up to, writing wise.

Happy Chanukah to those of you who celebrate it.

Stephanie