Thinky thoughts

So a few weeks ago, my brother David's fiancee broke up with him. She also, in a way, broke up with me. The three of us had been close friends and she said she considered me a sister, but as soon as they ended their relationship she put me on limited view on Facebook, and a week later she dropped me from her Facebook page altogether.

For a while now I've pretended I didn't really care... for one thing, as unhealthy as it is, for a long time I got into a caretaker mode where I tried to protect David from the consequences of his feelings... it's only two months ago, when that attitude nearly destroyed our friendship, that I started learning to step back and trust him to handle being alive without his big sis always being there to pick up the pieces... because I do respect him and his intelligence and sensitivity, because I know he's outgrown being overwhelmed by emotion, and most of all because I want our friendship to last the rest of our lives and I can't have that if I don't properly respect his boundaries.

Anyway, so they broke up and I slipped back into those old habits, wanting to make sure he was okay and not letting myself have any feelings about the situation whatsoever. But of course the feelings are there... although it wasn't a romantic break-up for me, she was my best friend...or I thought she was. And looking back, I can see clearly that something went wrong in our friendship around the same time as I decided to change my attitude towards David... because when she called me or texted me or IM'd me to complain that he was "an ass" because he'd forgotten to text her or whatever the issue was, I refused to get involved, I refused to take sides. I just said things like, "I don't like that either." or "I'm sorry that's happening." I mean, really, what was I supposed to do? It wasn't MY problem...it was theirs. And I did not want to take one person's side over the other. But I can see why in her mind, I WAS taking sides...because by not agreeing that he was inconsiderate or whatever it probably seemed like I was saying that he wasn't or that his behavior was okay.

BUT ALL I WAS SAYING WAS THAT I WASN'T GETTING INVOLVED IN THEIR ARGUMENT.

[/yelling]

Anyway so a couple weeks have gone by now and I'm gradually adjusting to her not being in my life just like he is. Well...not just like he is. He's doing better than I am. He's going out with new friends almost every night. I'm sitting at home reading posts on snopes.com to try to distract myself from the pain I didn't think even existed last week.

So the other night she dropped him from her Myspace. I had been considering blocking her there for some time, because every time I signed on I saw her status updates, and quite frankly, they pissed me off. See, I hadn't meant to take sides... I'd meant to stay friends with both of them... but since she decided to cut me off without a word, it kind of forced me over to David's side... and he really is my best friend and I pray that I can understand how to give him the right amount of space so I don't act inappropriately or make him feel uncomfortable... I know things are fine between us right now but I also know I have Asperger's syndrome and don't know what the rules are, really, for treating people appropriately so that they don't feel like you're trying to make the relationship into something neither of you wants and cause them to be uncomfortable.

Anyhow so her dropping David was the last straw and I went ahead and blocked her.

So last night I got an Email from her. See, before all this crap happened, I paid her $300 in advance to do my photograph for my next novel. Right after the break-up I asked her if she still wanted to do the photo. She said she did. Then she went ahead and blocked me on Facebook.

So now she wants to know if I still want her to do the photo.

And honestly, I DON'T. I don't want the awkwardness, I don't want someone in my house who used to be my best friend treating me as nothing more than a photography client. I don't want the worry that she will accidentally find out what my brother is doing and I don't want stress or problems between me and David because of her.

And I'm really really hurt that she chose to handle things in this manner, that she thinks she can drop my friendship at will and expect me to still keep the lines of communication open, that she says its nothing personal but she just disappears from my life.

But I already paid her for it...and more importantly we signed a contract...she's supposed to do the photo and get a royalty for it when I sell books... legally can I change my mind? Morally, is it right to? The photo credit would be a boost to her career...that's why I offered her the opportunity in the first place...is it right to take that away from her just because we are no longer friends?

This sucks. Really sucks. And I'm tired of it interfering with my life. I need to move forward just like David has begun to do.

Writing for the sake of writing

I am sooo exhausted.

I really wanted to write a blog about some of the things that have happened in the past two weeks. The good and the bad. I lost a friend and my brother David lost a fiancee... and for a while I've been wanting to write about that...not so much about the pain and anger and confusion, but about the way this seems to have somehow turned into a blessing...how we're both turning our lives around...how proud I am of the way he is dealing with things and how I hope I'm following his lead...

All those things will have to wait until I'm less tired (yes I'm writing a blog about the blog I'm going to write. I'm tired, what do you want from me?)

Anyway, tonight was Rosh Chodesh--the New Moon. I learned recently that some sects of Judaism believe the moon is symbolic of Shekhinah--the feminine aspect of G-d. The waning moon is symbolic of her exile from Jerusalem and the waxing moon the symbol of her return. The New Moon is a time of new beginnings, a time of positive energy when G-d will bless us and our endeavors.

I've been feeling the positive energy over the last couple of days. Last night I REALLY felt it. I stayed up until about 5 AM talking to David and I think we could both feel the energy... and I was so excited I barely slept. I got up at 10 AM and started my day.

This afternoon, I began cooking. I didn't expect it to take nearly as long as it did. I made a lemon meringue pie which took FOREVER... I didn't quite finish I don't think... the filling was supposed to boil, which it never did, not even after an hour...and I gave up because I was taking so many tastes in the mean time there was likely to be no filling left if I didn't stop. Then I made a lemon "chicken" (I used Morningstar Farms vegetarian chicken strips) and glazed carrots...the lemon chicken was easily the best thing I have ever made. The cat thought so too, apparently, since he kept climbing me and meowing. I think he thought it was real chicken.

Anyway, none of that is very interesting. I did a ritual that was pretty interesting. Basically praying for the new month and writing down some of my goals.

I keep feeling like I didn't do anything today but actually I did a lot. No wonder I'm so exhausted.