Where am I going?

As I look out into the night,
and see the stars are shining bright,
I wonder where I am
and where I'm going.
-Kansas

I'm wondering that myself. I can't seem to figure anything out about my life. Work... school... relationship... everything is just up in the air.

For the last two years I've been convinced that I was meant to be a teacher. After four months of teaching, I'm not at all sure anymore. Some days I still love teaching and other days I just wonder why I'm in this career at all.

The past few months have been filled with getting up at 5 AM to commute an hour to school, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing there, dealing with 4 disabled kids who half the time don't listen to me, endless paperwork, missed deadlines, difficulty staying organised and on top of everything... not to mention the rest of my life suffering because I have no fricking time for anything.

It's gotten worse since I've decided to publish my novel because I'm spreading myself even thinner... trying to work on a second career while dealing with the way out of balance first career. I am having a housewarming party next week but my house is becoming a disaster area. I don't have time to clean or do laundry or the things normal people do because my whole life is driving back and forth all over the state of North Carolina in an attempt to live my life. My job is in Elizabethtown (an hour away) and my social life and temple are in Cary (an hour in the other direction). It seems like there's never a minute I can just sit and relax because there's always something I haven't done yet.

In the meantime, though, all my friends gravitate towards me when they have a problem. I've been thinking about changing careers and becoming a counselor. Specifically, I'd like to help people who are struggling with alcohol. Dave died more from alcohol than from crack and I feel passionately about doing something about alcoholism. And several of my friends have turned to me when they have wanted to drink and were trying not to.

I don't know, though. I don't want to quit teaching right when I'm about to finish the coursework, and I don't want to go back to school for ANOTHER three years to work towards ANOTHER career that I may discover I don't like as much as I thought I would. I'm almost 30, for G-d's sake. I need to choose something and settle down. Besides, what I really, really, re-heally want is to be a writer, which is why I'm trying to self-publish and promote my novel. So what am I doing changing careers to something else that won't get me closer to that goal?

What doe G-d want me to do? What am I supposed to do? When I prayed and opened my bible, I got "Seek ye first the kingdom of G-d and all else shall follow." :P Yeah, I know. Pray. That's why I AM praying. I would like a straightforward answer to at least one aspect of my life...

Which brings me to the other Big Issue of my life, which is relationships. I probably shouldn't even be thinking about beginning a relationship now, with my whole life entirely out of balance and everything so uncertain as to what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a deep desire to find the person I'm going to marry, though, almost as deep as my desire to be a writer.

Every time I meet someone who I think might be that person, something gets in the way. They move away or they already have a girlfriend or they don't want to get involved with anyone for some reason. Maybe it's because the time isn't right. I'm impatient, though. I'm tired of feeling like JD in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng61VVx4eLk

Anyway getting upset about it won't help anything. I know that the only way for things to change in my life is for me to change them. I just don't know where to begin.

I am doing a drum solo in June so I guess I'll get off this and go practice for a little while and hope G-d reveals something to me.