Comin' along...

I had two interviews this week. The first was for a one-on-one Resource Specialist. It would be part-time, which sucks, but would give me experience, which is good.

The second one wouldn't start until fall, but at that point I could get hired either as a resource specialist (working with up to ten kids at a time) or to teach an autistic classroom. I really really liked this school too. I had a good feeling about it. I'm going to write a thank you note today and of course stop by their table on Saturday when I go to the job fair.

In the meantime, I've revised another chapter and a half of my novel and have another two and a half chapters to go. I'll definitely have a draft ready by the summer conference (no agents there, but maybe I can workshop it) and a proposal ready by fall.

And I'm starting a new temp job right after Easter.

Everything's going great, so why I did I wake up feeling blah this morning?

I guess it actually started last night when I got the application to the bigger conference in Gettysburg. I would love to go. Five days of writing workshops, publishing workshops, and networking. It woulds tart on June 6, which would have been Dave's birthday, so of course I want to be productive so I'm not thinking about how much I miss him.

The problem is, it's $585 tuition and $335 for room and board.

I can't afford it. My counselor says I don't have to go this year and I should just wait on it. My mature self knows she's right.

But I really feel like paying the deposit on it anyway and hoping that I somehow come up with the rest of the money. (Otherwise I'm out $150) It's not like I won't have some money coming in from the temp job. It's not like I don't have $1200 in savings.

But I don't want to waste $150 just because I wish I could go.

Being a grown-up is hard sometimes.

It's weird being as happy as I have been the last few weeks. Most of the time I am glad for my progress forward, even though I'm lonely without Dave to share it with. But sometimes, lying in bed at night, I think, My God, I'm really going to get everything I wanted, and I feel... afraid. Not of anything specific. Just kind of nervous.

I always knew a proper life was just a matter of me making up my mind to be successful. I just didn't do it.

I think about Dave sometimes and I feel so sad that he didn't get a chance to come out here and live a better life. And then I think about him with the alcohol and I wonder if he really would have been capable of living better. I wish I didn't think that way. It feels like a betrayal of my love and belief in him. But there it is.

Anyway, I'm not going to let this blah feeling get me down. I'm going to keep moving forward, even if I have to face feeling alone.

It's raining today. No wonder I feel blah, even though it's a good thing because it'll mositen the soil where im trying to make a garden plot.