Spring

Spring is here.

The last few days have been very warm. Today it rained all day and it's back to being cold tonight. After this weekend, it's going back to being warm.

More importantly, I've once again begun getting my life back on track. Today I cleaned almost my whole house: my bedroom, computer room, dining room, and half the living room. I decided last night that I can't take care of any of my loftier ambitions until I get my house in order. I intend to be a writer and I'm going to be a writer. But first I need a clean house.

I decided also that this is the last time I'm starting over. I don't mean that I won't keep changing and growing and I don't mean that I won't keep moving forward with my life. But it seems that in the half year since Dave died, I've had moments of lucidity, glimpses of the life I should be living. I'll live the way I'm meant to live for a day or two. Then I'll get depressed and everything will go back to the way it was until I can't stand it anymore and try to get back on track for a little while.

I'm stating all this here, in my public blog, because I am not going through all of that anymore. I'm getting my act together and keeping it that way. I don't care what depression, fear, and loneliness have to say. I'm not letting them control me anymore.

I already know how valuable time is and how uncertain life is. If ntohing else, Dave taught me that. But this is my way of saying, I mean it.

I'm halfway through my next draft of my novel. I'm going to go all the way with it. I mean that.

I'm writing a new story. I'm going to finish it and get it published. I mean that.

I have an idea for a second novel. As soon as I'm done with the major work on this one and have started the submissions process, I'm going to begin working on it. I mean that.

I'm going to have a teaching job next year. I mean that.

I've lost almost 30 lbs and I'm going to lose the remaining 40 to get down to my proper weight. I mean that.

I'm going to be healthy and happy. I mean that.

I'm going to face down depression and fear. I mean that.

The list goes on and on. I don't know exactly what it is I intend to get out of life, but I do intend to live. This spring is a season of resurrection. I'm putting aside my old, immature self and emerging anew, fully adult and ready to face and engage the world.