..pending board approval on June 4th.
I will be working in a small, rural school with about 5-6 special needs students in grades 1-5.
I'm so excited I can't think...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
New chapters
Well, I have a second interview for a teachng position this afternoon. And I'm going to get the job.
I know... because Dave came to visit me in my dreams last night. It was part of a strange mixed-up dream that I believe was meant to tell me I'm getting this job.
At first I dreamed I was leaving for work and I was really upset for some reason, like crazily upset the way I got sometimes when I was stressed out. And Gideon from Criminal Mindswas trying to work with me to help me calm down.
I was late for work and for some reason I had to walk through the mall to get there. I wanted to stop and look at the earrings but I didn't have time.
And then I found myself in this back room, kind of like the board room in The Apprentice or the meeting room in the library. Dave was there. So was some really fat guy who I didn't recognize but who I somehow knew was Fraiser Crane.
Anyay, the Fraiser dude didn't like Dave for some reason. I looked at Dave and said, "We mess with people who don't like us. Remember what we used to do to Joel?" We were laughing...
I looked at my cell phone and realized I had one minute to get to work, but Dave convinced me to stay a little longer. So we talked a little more. Then I, sadly, had to get going. Dave said, "I do too. I have to get home. I've been down here a long time," and I knew he meant he was going back to heaven.
So I hugged him and I was packing up I told him I loved him. He didn't answer so I said it again and he said he loved me too.
He had a textbook that he said wasn't his. Then there was a flash of light and he was gone, and instead there was a disabled guy in a wheelchair whom I gave the book to.
I woke up feeling so happy and peaceful. I am sure that was a spiritual visit and not just a dream.
In other news, I've been working on my plot outline for my novel. I've never done this before, except for a class once which I hated. I actually don't like planning--I like actually writing and seeing where I end up. The problem is that this story is way too complicated for that. I'd get stuck and never finish it.
I'm stuck as it is, although I expect that to change. I have very little to do this morning at work so I'm going to try to work on it. I came to a pivotal point yesterday and then got stuck. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but basically my two characters just decided to be "friends who kiss sometimes", which is less than my protagonist wants but she's willing to accept. It was kind of a climatic moment and I haven't quite worked out where to go from here.
Last night I went to my writers' group. It was an interesting experience. I'm making friends in the group but ironically I still don't know anyone's name. They all introduced themselves the first time I went, but their names all start with M and end with A and I can't keep them straight. I talked to this girl for an hour straight. We had a lot in common. But I have no idea what her name is.
After this week I'm going to try to move my drum lesson to 6 PM so I can go to a Harry Potter book club that one of the girls from my writing group is in at 7.
Tonight's the Scrubs season finale. 18 episodes to go after this til the end of the series. I can't wait to see tonight's double header, even though last week's episode made me seriously upset. Not because it wasn't awesome--it was. But basically JD's ex-girlfriend did some very Katie-like things which got me upset. The Scrubs forum is evenly divided between people who agree with me that Kim (JD's ex-girlfriend) is a manipulative bitch and people who think "all characters are human, give her a break", so I've been discussing it all week. I'm better now though :D
And on that note it's time to start looking at my novel plans.
I know... because Dave came to visit me in my dreams last night. It was part of a strange mixed-up dream that I believe was meant to tell me I'm getting this job.
At first I dreamed I was leaving for work and I was really upset for some reason, like crazily upset the way I got sometimes when I was stressed out. And Gideon from Criminal Mindswas trying to work with me to help me calm down.
I was late for work and for some reason I had to walk through the mall to get there. I wanted to stop and look at the earrings but I didn't have time.
And then I found myself in this back room, kind of like the board room in The Apprentice or the meeting room in the library. Dave was there. So was some really fat guy who I didn't recognize but who I somehow knew was Fraiser Crane.
Anyay, the Fraiser dude didn't like Dave for some reason. I looked at Dave and said, "We mess with people who don't like us. Remember what we used to do to Joel?" We were laughing...
I looked at my cell phone and realized I had one minute to get to work, but Dave convinced me to stay a little longer. So we talked a little more. Then I, sadly, had to get going. Dave said, "I do too. I have to get home. I've been down here a long time," and I knew he meant he was going back to heaven.
So I hugged him and I was packing up I told him I loved him. He didn't answer so I said it again and he said he loved me too.
He had a textbook that he said wasn't his. Then there was a flash of light and he was gone, and instead there was a disabled guy in a wheelchair whom I gave the book to.
I woke up feeling so happy and peaceful. I am sure that was a spiritual visit and not just a dream.
In other news, I've been working on my plot outline for my novel. I've never done this before, except for a class once which I hated. I actually don't like planning--I like actually writing and seeing where I end up. The problem is that this story is way too complicated for that. I'd get stuck and never finish it.
I'm stuck as it is, although I expect that to change. I have very little to do this morning at work so I'm going to try to work on it. I came to a pivotal point yesterday and then got stuck. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but basically my two characters just decided to be "friends who kiss sometimes", which is less than my protagonist wants but she's willing to accept. It was kind of a climatic moment and I haven't quite worked out where to go from here.
Last night I went to my writers' group. It was an interesting experience. I'm making friends in the group but ironically I still don't know anyone's name. They all introduced themselves the first time I went, but their names all start with M and end with A and I can't keep them straight. I talked to this girl for an hour straight. We had a lot in common. But I have no idea what her name is.
After this week I'm going to try to move my drum lesson to 6 PM so I can go to a Harry Potter book club that one of the girls from my writing group is in at 7.
Tonight's the Scrubs season finale. 18 episodes to go after this til the end of the series. I can't wait to see tonight's double header, even though last week's episode made me seriously upset. Not because it wasn't awesome--it was. But basically JD's ex-girlfriend did some very Katie-like things which got me upset. The Scrubs forum is evenly divided between people who agree with me that Kim (JD's ex-girlfriend) is a manipulative bitch and people who think "all characters are human, give her a break", so I've been discussing it all week. I'm better now though :D
And on that note it's time to start looking at my novel plans.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Writing the truth
I started working for real on my new novel, Chasing Ghosts.
When I had worked on it before, I felt as if something was missing. I realized the other day it was because I wasn't quite telling the truth.
You see, I don't want to just tell the story of a young woman trying to live in the past, as I originally thought. The truth goes far deeper than that. I want to tell the truth about me and Dave and how much I loved him, and how heartbroken I am still to have lost him.
I want to tell the truth of what its like to live with an alcoholic and to know that who he's being is not who he really is and to hang on despite the world thinking you're crazy because you love him. And of a world that puts people into categories, where all people who have addiction problems are Purely Evil and all people who are studying to get masters' degrees are Purely Good, and to whom it doesn't make any sense that a Purely Good Person and a Purely Evil Person could love each other.
I'm not writing an autobiography--I'm writing fiction. I'm writing about a fictional woman with a fictional child and a fictional alcoholic dead husband. A woman who secretly hopes she's pregnant two months after her husband's death because she wants a little part of him to be growing inside her. A woman who tells people the half truth that her husband died in a car accident, leaving out the fact that he was drunk and was lucky to have only taken himself out, so that they won't judge him-or her.
This is not my story. And yet it is my story.
I knew I was writing this story to honor Dave's memory. And there's no way I can do that without telling my truth about him. He always wanted me to write about him. It's cruelly ironic that the only way I'm able to do that is for him to die.
I have a lot of work to do before I'm even able to begin writing. This is the most complicated story I have ever written. It's three stories in one--a story of a woman's love affair with her husband, destroyed by alcohol and pain; the story of a woman trying to go on without him and yet retreating further into the past; and the story of her daughter, fifteen years later, trying to make a life for herself in the same city her mother fled following her father's death.
It spans 1985-2007, a 22 year period. Within it are many other stories I haven't even mentioned.
I will push forward and tell my deepest truth.
When I had worked on it before, I felt as if something was missing. I realized the other day it was because I wasn't quite telling the truth.
You see, I don't want to just tell the story of a young woman trying to live in the past, as I originally thought. The truth goes far deeper than that. I want to tell the truth about me and Dave and how much I loved him, and how heartbroken I am still to have lost him.
I want to tell the truth of what its like to live with an alcoholic and to know that who he's being is not who he really is and to hang on despite the world thinking you're crazy because you love him. And of a world that puts people into categories, where all people who have addiction problems are Purely Evil and all people who are studying to get masters' degrees are Purely Good, and to whom it doesn't make any sense that a Purely Good Person and a Purely Evil Person could love each other.
I'm not writing an autobiography--I'm writing fiction. I'm writing about a fictional woman with a fictional child and a fictional alcoholic dead husband. A woman who secretly hopes she's pregnant two months after her husband's death because she wants a little part of him to be growing inside her. A woman who tells people the half truth that her husband died in a car accident, leaving out the fact that he was drunk and was lucky to have only taken himself out, so that they won't judge him-or her.
This is not my story. And yet it is my story.
I knew I was writing this story to honor Dave's memory. And there's no way I can do that without telling my truth about him. He always wanted me to write about him. It's cruelly ironic that the only way I'm able to do that is for him to die.
I have a lot of work to do before I'm even able to begin writing. This is the most complicated story I have ever written. It's three stories in one--a story of a woman's love affair with her husband, destroyed by alcohol and pain; the story of a woman trying to go on without him and yet retreating further into the past; and the story of her daughter, fifteen years later, trying to make a life for herself in the same city her mother fled following her father's death.
It spans 1985-2007, a 22 year period. Within it are many other stories I haven't even mentioned.
I will push forward and tell my deepest truth.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Better days ahead :)
I really should be sleeping already, seeing as tomorrow I have to get up at 5:30 AM. I wanted to let everyone know I'm in a much better mood than yesterday.
Maybe it's cause I was focused all day at work today. I had a great drum lesson. And Scrubs was on tonight, and it was awesome.
Nothing much to say... I'm just feeling better.
Maybe it's cause I was focused all day at work today. I had a great drum lesson. And Scrubs was on tonight, and it was awesome.
Nothing much to say... I'm just feeling better.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Frustration...
I don't want to kill my dreams anymore. I want to make them come true.
-From my RL diary.
I'm frustrated tonight.
Last night I went to Weight Watchers and found I had gained two pounds, somehow. I probably know how if I think about it... I didn't track, after all, and in general didn't really care very much.
Losing the first 35 lbs was easy. Ever since I hit the 160 lb mark, I've been struggling. Every time I make it below 160 lbs, I gain it back again. I've been at 160 lbs forever--or, at least, for the last three months.
I tried to explain this to my mom tonight. She said, "Well, if you gain weight right before your period, ignore the scale for that week."
That is so not the point.
According to Weight Watchers, healthy weight for someone of my height is 120-130 lbs. I therefore chose 125 lbs as my ultimate goal. But I'm wondering now if maybe I should just try to stay at 160 lbs. I'm 35 lbs lighter, everyone keeps telling me I look really good, and I'm out of the morbidly obese range.
But I want to be the right weight, not so much for cosmetic reasons, but because every disease known to man runs in both sides of my family, and I intend to live a long time.
So looking over my behaviour for the past few weeks, I think the only thing I'd like to change is to eat less milk products.
So what do I do? I eat four milks today instead of two.
It's been one of those days, too. This morning my work computer would not cooperate... I spent the first hour of the day rebooting it and running anti-spyware software and installing updates.
I had trouble concentrating on the data entry project I'm supposed to be doing and spent half the afternoon fooling around on-line. It's a huge project and they don't really expect me to work on it 8 hours a day, but I expect me to.
After work I had a haircut appointment. The first thing the girl said when I got there was, "Your shirt's on backwards." No wonder I've been having such a fricked-up day.
And I've been spending all evening at home looking at stuff on-line. I played the drums a little. The song I knew perfectly yesterday I could not play today... I kept messing up.
I hate days like this, where it's so hard to stay positive. I hate being frustrated.
I believe God has a glorious plan for my life, but right now it's raining outside and I'm not seeing the glory.
I'm just frustrated.
-From my RL diary.
I'm frustrated tonight.
Last night I went to Weight Watchers and found I had gained two pounds, somehow. I probably know how if I think about it... I didn't track, after all, and in general didn't really care very much.
Losing the first 35 lbs was easy. Ever since I hit the 160 lb mark, I've been struggling. Every time I make it below 160 lbs, I gain it back again. I've been at 160 lbs forever--or, at least, for the last three months.
I tried to explain this to my mom tonight. She said, "Well, if you gain weight right before your period, ignore the scale for that week."
That is so not the point.
According to Weight Watchers, healthy weight for someone of my height is 120-130 lbs. I therefore chose 125 lbs as my ultimate goal. But I'm wondering now if maybe I should just try to stay at 160 lbs. I'm 35 lbs lighter, everyone keeps telling me I look really good, and I'm out of the morbidly obese range.
But I want to be the right weight, not so much for cosmetic reasons, but because every disease known to man runs in both sides of my family, and I intend to live a long time.
So looking over my behaviour for the past few weeks, I think the only thing I'd like to change is to eat less milk products.
So what do I do? I eat four milks today instead of two.
It's been one of those days, too. This morning my work computer would not cooperate... I spent the first hour of the day rebooting it and running anti-spyware software and installing updates.
I had trouble concentrating on the data entry project I'm supposed to be doing and spent half the afternoon fooling around on-line. It's a huge project and they don't really expect me to work on it 8 hours a day, but I expect me to.
After work I had a haircut appointment. The first thing the girl said when I got there was, "Your shirt's on backwards." No wonder I've been having such a fricked-up day.
And I've been spending all evening at home looking at stuff on-line. I played the drums a little. The song I knew perfectly yesterday I could not play today... I kept messing up.
I hate days like this, where it's so hard to stay positive. I hate being frustrated.
I believe God has a glorious plan for my life, but right now it's raining outside and I'm not seeing the glory.
I'm just frustrated.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
A real update
I went to bed at 9:15 last night. Now my brain's working again.
Over the past couple of weeks I've realized some important things. Stuff like, if I'm lonely it's because i choose to be. I'm involved in a number of activities, and every place I go people love me. I'm starting to understand that I'm an extremely lovable person.
Tonight I went to my writer's group. It's not much of a group, really. There are only three or four of us, usually, and we do more taling about other stuff than about writing. Tonight everyone just said they really liked my chapter. I would have liked a stronger evaluation. I guess that's what the weekend conference I'm going to the first weekend in June is for.
I'm also starting to understand more about who I am. I really am a teacher. Sometimes I've doubted it, because I want so badly to write... and I have no doubt I will be a writer, as well, but the teaching is part of me too. I feel like the fan fiction list I'm creating is kind of a teaching situation... most of the people who've signed up are teenagers. So I kind of have to plan lessons on how to write fan fiction.
I'm also a person who likes to be a leader. I'm the one who organized this list, as well as a couple of other things going on in the Scrubs forum... I've always got ideas about who to do things and how to make things run smoothly for everyone... and I like helping people. Dave always said that there's enough room in this world for everyone to be successful, and I want to live that truth.
Im sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now. In the meantime tomorrow's my drum lesson. I finally graduated from the rudiment book. My teacher says I'm the first of his current students to do so. Last week he starte teaching me a beat. I've been playing it to "Superman" (the Lazlo Bane song, also used as the theme to Scrubs) all week. I wish it wasn't so late so I could practice it some more... I'm playing just a little too fast :(
Anyway I'm starving but it's almost 10:30 so I'm thinking about just going to bed and eating in the morning.
Over the past couple of weeks I've realized some important things. Stuff like, if I'm lonely it's because i choose to be. I'm involved in a number of activities, and every place I go people love me. I'm starting to understand that I'm an extremely lovable person.
Tonight I went to my writer's group. It's not much of a group, really. There are only three or four of us, usually, and we do more taling about other stuff than about writing. Tonight everyone just said they really liked my chapter. I would have liked a stronger evaluation. I guess that's what the weekend conference I'm going to the first weekend in June is for.
I'm also starting to understand more about who I am. I really am a teacher. Sometimes I've doubted it, because I want so badly to write... and I have no doubt I will be a writer, as well, but the teaching is part of me too. I feel like the fan fiction list I'm creating is kind of a teaching situation... most of the people who've signed up are teenagers. So I kind of have to plan lessons on how to write fan fiction.
I'm also a person who likes to be a leader. I'm the one who organized this list, as well as a couple of other things going on in the Scrubs forum... I've always got ideas about who to do things and how to make things run smoothly for everyone... and I like helping people. Dave always said that there's enough room in this world for everyone to be successful, and I want to live that truth.
Im sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now. In the meantime tomorrow's my drum lesson. I finally graduated from the rudiment book. My teacher says I'm the first of his current students to do so. Last week he starte teaching me a beat. I've been playing it to "Superman" (the Lazlo Bane song, also used as the theme to Scrubs) all week. I wish it wasn't so late so I could practice it some more... I'm playing just a little too fast :(
Anyway I'm starving but it's almost 10:30 so I'm thinking about just going to bed and eating in the morning.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I'm tired...
Wow, is it already May? And has it really been an entire month since I last posted?
I have been really busy lately. Unfortunately that means I am also really tired. I should be doing homework right now so that I can head to bed. But I wanted to write something first.
Let's see... where should I begin? I guess it's obvious I've been a very busy girl. Lately my schedule has been like this:
Get up at 5:30 AM
Monday, Wednesday, Friday exercise
Work: 8a-5p
Monday night: Toastmasters
Tuesday night: Weight Watchers/Roller Skating (although I skipped the skating tonight because I was too frigging tired)
Every other Wednesday night: writing group
Thursday night: drum lesson
Friday night: stay up late and watch Scrubs
Saturday: do chores, dig in the garden
Sunday: church
In addition to which I've written 90% of a new Scrubs fan fiction, and just started a list for fellow fan fiction writers. Basically it's the "Writer's Room"--we're going to collaborate to write a whole season at a time of fan fiction. I'm looking onto expanding it into a fanzine as well. I also try to practice the drums just about every day, do homework, work on other writing, post on tv.com's Scrubs board, occasionally read, and very occasionally get enough sleep. Plus I've gone to five teaching interviews in the past few weeks.
No wonder I'm so tired.
It's weird, though... when I lived with Dave I was getting by on an hour's sleep half the time. He needed to talk all night and I had to be at work at 7 AM. Now I can't seem to function if I get 7 and a half hours as opposed to 8.
I have a headache. All day at work today it was difficult to think. Now my brain's functioning better but I wish I didn't have homework to do because I really really need to sleep.
More later... (I promise it'll be sooner than a month this time--hey, at least I didn't wait two months like Zach Braff!)
I have been really busy lately. Unfortunately that means I am also really tired. I should be doing homework right now so that I can head to bed. But I wanted to write something first.
Let's see... where should I begin? I guess it's obvious I've been a very busy girl. Lately my schedule has been like this:
Get up at 5:30 AM
Monday, Wednesday, Friday exercise
Work: 8a-5p
Monday night: Toastmasters
Tuesday night: Weight Watchers/Roller Skating (although I skipped the skating tonight because I was too frigging tired)
Every other Wednesday night: writing group
Thursday night: drum lesson
Friday night: stay up late and watch Scrubs
Saturday: do chores, dig in the garden
Sunday: church
In addition to which I've written 90% of a new Scrubs fan fiction, and just started a list for fellow fan fiction writers. Basically it's the "Writer's Room"--we're going to collaborate to write a whole season at a time of fan fiction. I'm looking onto expanding it into a fanzine as well. I also try to practice the drums just about every day, do homework, work on other writing, post on tv.com's Scrubs board, occasionally read, and very occasionally get enough sleep. Plus I've gone to five teaching interviews in the past few weeks.
No wonder I'm so tired.
It's weird, though... when I lived with Dave I was getting by on an hour's sleep half the time. He needed to talk all night and I had to be at work at 7 AM. Now I can't seem to function if I get 7 and a half hours as opposed to 8.
I have a headache. All day at work today it was difficult to think. Now my brain's functioning better but I wish I didn't have homework to do because I really really need to sleep.
More later... (I promise it'll be sooner than a month this time--hey, at least I didn't wait two months like Zach Braff!)
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