Chasing ghosts

Boy has it been a long time since I've written in this blog. I have a legitimate excuse for last weekend, because my parents were here. I had a wonderful visit with them. I cooked for them two days out of three and the other day we went to Red Lobster. I'm really proud of myself because I skipped the 1170-calorie crab alfredo (which is what I REALLY wanted) and instead had the snow crab legs, potato, and broccoli, which was on my diet. I also had one piece of bread, which technically wasn't, but I ate it very slowly and made it last so I wouldn't have any more.

The last couple of days have been very strange for me. My emotions have been all over the place... yesterday morning I was in a great mood and last night I missed Dave so much I cried myself to sleep. I dreamed the night before last that he called and apologized to me for dying. I haven't dreamed about him in a while.

Yesterday morning I was writing a post to my on-line class discussion board and I mentioned this guy I knew in high school, who always made films for his class project. I liked him back then... so much so that I never talked to him, and senior year I found out that he liked me but thought I thought he wasn't good en ough for me. Well, so yesterday morning I was seized by this strange impulse to look him up, and I found his Friendster page almost right away.

It looks like we still have a lot in common... Harry Potter and books and music. He plays the trombone in a No Doubt tribute band and teaches Latin to high school students (I'm guessing at a Catholic school, although I don't think he's religious--his web site sounds as irreverent as he was in high school). I sent him a message. So far no response, although I don't know how often he checks his Friendster account, as the last comment he got on it appears to have been from 2005. I found out this morning he has a myspace page, which it looks like he updates every day, but I don't want to write him again right away in case he did get my Friendster message and didn't want to respond... I don't want to seem like a stalker or something. I'm going to wait a week and then message him through his myspace account if he doesn't respond to me. That way at least I'll know one way or the other.

Anyway, after I sent him the message I started thinking about things. I felt the same as I did when I was 17... like I really liked this guy but didn't know how to proceed and was sure he didn't want to hear from me after all this time. And then I wondered whether I ever would have looked him up if I hadn't lost Dave, and whether I really liked him or whether I was just trying to ease the loneliness... and then I felt like if anything did happen to develop it would be a betrayal of my memory of Dave even though Dave would have been happy for me--he never wanted me to feel tied down to him. He always said that as long as we stayed best friends he didn't care whether we stayed more than that.

Anyway, considering that I haven't gotten any answer yet at all it's silly to be thinking about all this...

It seems as if I am chasing ghosts... Dave's ghost and the ghost of a relationship that never was when I was 17.