Decision time

I've been thinking a lot about my future career plans. I came out here to become a teacher. That's not really happening... it seems as if it's as hard to get a teaching job here as it is in LA.

Well, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I really want to become a teacher. I mean, I like the idea of working with autistic kids. And I know that teaching would be a meaningful career... I wouldn't feel like I felt at Kinko's, like my brain was underutilized and my work ethic and talents unappreciated.

But do I really want to be a teacher, or was it jsut that i couldn't stand something as meaningless as Kinko's?

I've been working a little bit on my writing, and remembering how much I want to be a writer. Over the past 9 years, I've had the same thoughts from time to time: why do I have to fit into the normal world? Why can't I just write?

In the past, the answer was obvious: You're not published, you're not disciplined enough, you're not even trying, really... who are you kidding? Besides, everyone knows that you can't support yourself as a writer. Deal with reality: almost all writers have a day job. You might as well get one you like.

But now I'm not so sure.

Since I moved to North Carolina, I've done the following with my writing:

* Submitted my story, Disillusionment, to 25 magazines while keeping a list of 25 others in reserve in case I don't get published.

* Written and submitted a story to the local newspaper's Christmas contest

* Rewritten about 85% of my novel.

* Bought the Writer's Market and begun seriously thinking about getting an agent for the novel.

* Joined the North Carolina Writers Network

And so I can no longer say that I'm not trying to become a published writer.

Thinking it over a little more, I wonder how much of my decision not to actively pursue writing has been based on fear rather than practicality... that nagging voice that says, Who are you kidding? YOU a successful writer? Ha! For many years I've wanted to be a professional writer... and for many years I've thought it was impossible and so I haven't tried.

In LA it was impossible, even though supposedly I was in the land of writers (screenwriters, at least). There was no money... I couldn't afford lofty dreams.

But now I have $10,000 in the bank thanks to my student loan. If I'm going to pursue writing whole-heartedly, the time is now.

I'm not sure yet what that means. I'm not going to do anything rash--I'll finish out my classes, get my teaching license, etc. But I'm going to give up my fear of failure and do everything I can to make it as a writer.

I'm really excited to be part of the North Carolina Writers' Network. They have conferences twice a year where I'll be able to meet other writers, agents, and editors. I can advertise through their newsletter to get side jobs as a writing tutor, a proofreader, an editor... maybe even start a small business to help writers get their work submitted. In the meantime, I'll finish revising my novel and get it ready for editors and agents at the Spring conference this May.

I feel strong as I think this through, as if I've at last solved something that was confusing and bothering me.

Dave would have been so proud of me. I remember he once told me that people can see and be proud from Heaven. I hope he was right.