Yom Kippor Contemplations

Today is Yom Kippor, the Day of Atonement. On this day, we are supposed to fast and pray. The point, as I understand it, is to contemplate where we've been over the past year and how we'd like to do better. We are also supposed to pray for others' sins, but this year I feel like being selfish. Maybe some people will think that should be first on my list of things to change, but I don't think so.

I don't like the idea of praying for other people to change, because really, other people's shortcomings are between them and G-d and it is NONE of our business. Nobody changes unless they want to or G-d changes their heart to want them to. And after all I have experienced in the past year and even in the past DAY, I would be very, very scared of people praying for me to change.

I have a lot of qualities that some people would consider "sinful". I am biromantic. I support LGBT rights. I support the right of people NOT to believe in Jesus or G-d if they so choose. I believe people ought to do what is best for themselves, in conjunction with G-d's will, even if it means hurting someone else's feelings or disappointing someone.

Don't anyone DARE pray for me to repent from any of those "sins".

I'm a little bit angry, which is a problem, because carrying around a ton of anger and pain is not the appropriate way to live your life. Last night, we went to Yom Kippor services, or attempted to, at the Messianic temple we once called home. Immediately, the three of us felt uncomfortable, and we soon left.

That was only the beginning.

I was remembering two things in the car on the way back. One was how my mother for YEARS went to temple even though she didn't believe in it, because she was afraid G-d would punish her if she didn't She was MISERABLE during High Holiday time. Rosh Hashanah, which is supposed to be a time of great joy, was always a horrible day growing up, because my mom was in such a bad mood from forcing herself to go to a temple she hated.

I didn't want to be like that, and I could see myself becoming that way. There is no WAY I will ever set foot inside that temple again.

The original reason I left was because of the homophobia there. Almost everyone knows my story already... my close friendship with a bisexual person (now a bisexual couple)... the fact that that person nearly COMMITTED SUICIDE because of homophobia... my passion as a result for reversing the high trend towards suicide among LGBT people... my coming to terms with my asexuality... and finally my realization that I want a female partner...

When I am dating my girlfriend, I will not be able to bring her to temple because of these people who think showing G-d's love = judging homosexuals... and to me that is offensive. Not as offensive as guiding someone towards suicide in the name of love, but offensive nevertheless.

Anyway, in the car on the way back it just seemed everyone was PASSIONATELY upset. My best friends, who are engaged to each other, were tense with each other... afraid that their passion and their religious beliefs could drive them apart. I just sat there thinking, This temple didn't kill my brother and it will NOT kill their relationship either. There wasn't any way to influence it, of course, but that's what I felt.

The problems with this temple go far beyond the homophobia that pushed me away from it. I am a Jewitch--a Jewish Pagan. I do not agree that Jesus was the ONLY messiah, or that He was the messiah for everyone. I can not worship Jesus the man. I worship G-d, the spirit.

I respect others' right to believe in Jesus and worship Him, and if that works for you I'm happy for you. But why why why do people have to try to make me believe what they do?

And THAT is what makes me so angry.

So here it is, halfway through Yom Kippor, and I'm supposed to be contemplating my walk with G-d and how to do better in the coming year. And I am so passionately ANGRY I can not think.

So I suppose that is the defect I should work on this year... all that ANGER. My life is not where I want it... I have a business that so far is going nowhere, no job, barely any income... I want a girlfriend and can not find one... I live in an area that is not Jewish friendly and not LGBT friendly... if I really wanted to I could just be very angry all the time and not do anything to better my life.

I'm off to light some incense and pray I suppose. I'm hungry and looking forward to the end of this fast lol.

Too much on my plate

I made $90 today writing 12 articles for a freelance client. Not bad money at all. I have three other projects I should be working on, plus Shades of Gay. But instead I'm sitting here playing with the computer and not feeling like doing anything. I want to take a bath, but the toilet in the master bedroom has been clogged for two days, and I don't have any money so I can't buy a plunger. I meant to borrow one from David yesterday but by the time we got back from Pagan Pride Day we were all exhausted and I forgot.

Some days I wonder why I'm doing this. This kind of life is far better for me than working at a job. It's supposed to help me support myself while I get my writing in place so that I can live the life I want to live. But lately it just seems like there's too much to do, too many projects that need doing in order to make enough money to pay the bills, too much other stuff in other areas of my life, too much going on at once. I'm overwhelmed just as much as I was at a regular job without the security of a paycheck, knowing this is not exactly how I want to live or what I want to do and not sure it'll pay enough to keep me going.

I've been broke for several days now. It's been a struggle to feed myself and my cat, never mind do anything else I need to do. I'm waiting endlessly for some money to transfer and to get paid from freelance jobs. I have to clean the kitchen. I have to plunge my toilet somehow. I have to find time to work on Shades of Gay.

I'm glad I chose this life, I really am. This is a lot closer to what I want to be doing, and I'm not wasting my days doing something for someone else that has nothing to do with my life's goals. But I'm still not living the way I want to live.

I'm trying to learn to follow my own path, myself, and the lack of money or schedules is not making it any easier. I want Shades of Gay to be a success. I want to continue to live in my apartment. I want to take care of my cat. I want to be close with my best friends/chosen family.

So overwhelmed...

The last night of the old year

Tomorrow night I'm going to Rosh Hashanah services with my family of choice. I'm excited, kind of. I'm glad to be sharing the holiday with them, and I believe this year will truly be a year of New Beginnings for all of us... great things are going to happen this year.

But tonight I am faced with the consequences of my past in a very hurtful way. My brother asked me to wear something white in honor of the holiday. So being a night owl, I'm looking through my closet at 3 AM for something to wear.

I can not find my good white shirt anywhere, first of all. I had it just a few weeks ago... I washed it... I put it away... and it is not in the closet.

I found a gorgeous cream colored skirt I would like to wear. I have never worn it. There is only one problem. It does not fit over my hips.

So here I am, at 3:15 AM the last night of the Old Year, sitting here crying because I've gained 30 pounds in the last year and can't seem to stick to my diet any more to get them back off. I do well for a few days, then I go back to the old habits. It's just too hard to try to figure out what to eat and when to eat it, especially when I'm constantly worried about money and spending it on food sometimes feels like a luxury.

I don't regret this life I've chosen. I'm following my dream and it's going to be hard for a while but then it'll be all right. But right now it feels like I just don't have the money to live right.

So I'm sitting here crying a little because the skirt I wanted to wear doesn't fit and I feel like I don't take proper care of myself because I either eat too much or too little and I'm living on bagels and frozen foods. And I'm going to wear a gorgeous blue flowered skirt with white centers in each flower which fits comfortably and I love, but what the hell am I going to do for a top? And my grandmother's light green scarf, which would have gone perfectly with the cream colored skirt, isn't going to go with the blue one, even if I can find a top. And I want to buy a new outfit but even if my unemployment check comes tomorrow like it's supposed to, there's no way I can afford it.

It seems ridiculous in the scheme of things, but tonight it's important.

Tonight is the last night of the old year, the old life. The old life apparently is trying its hardest to keep living, even though its time is almost gone. The new life, the future stretches before me, if I can just get past this one stupid obstacle.

I want to change. I've started changing already. I'm starting to make money as a freelancer and I'm sure that will only improve over time. But tonight, I just want an outfit to wear to temple tomorrow. I want to dress up and look beautiful and honor G-d. I want to show the judgmental assholes at this temple that I've moved on and am doing better than ever without their influence in my life.

I want a white dress that fits. I want money to buy a dress and a body it looks good on.

I'm ready for change, G-d, where do I begin?

Personality test

I thought this quiz was interesting. It only had two questions, and I had trouble choosing between the three choices on the first question because, honestly, they all sound like me.

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

8 - the Asserter

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.

• Be confident, strong, and direct.

• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

• Give me space to be alone.

• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant

• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

• being courageous, straightforward, and honest

• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

• upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

• never forgetting injuries or injustices

• putting too much pressure on myself

• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

• are sometimes loners

• seize control so they won't be controlled

• figure out others' weaknesses

• attack verbally or physically when provoked

• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

• are sometimes overprotective

• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!

_____________________

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

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I think this is more my ideal self than necessarily who I am... I don't always assert myself because when I do, I generally come on too strong and scare people away with my passion. And I am passionate about EVERYTHING.

Hmm... I have to think about this some more lol.

New Beginnings

I am so excited for the next Writer's Meet. I decided (at almost the last minute as usual) that I am going to make a Rosh Hashanah supper for the Meet so that the people who don't celebrate can at least sample the food lol. I may make some other things for Rosh Hashanah itself... if I have time...

I've been free lancing and I'm not making enough money to support myself yet, but boy do I have a lot of work to do! I am still trying to find the right balance and learn how to say No to jobs that are going to take too long when I have other projects going at the same time, but how do I do that when I am not making enough money yet? Free lancing pays incredibly low, yet I need these jobs right now to build a portfolio so eventually I can make a decent amount of money.

In the meantime... I guess it's a good thing I'm getting unemployment. I may have to work as a sub some this year as well, although I'm really hoping not to. I like having the freedom that comes from working at home, but I also like having a place to live and being able to pay my bills... sigh...

In any case, this is a year of New Beginnings for me! I'm praying G-d shows me the way to live a balanced life and make enough money doing what I want to do.

Two years later....

I haven't written in this blog in a long time. So much has happened... my life is completely different.

I feel inspired to write in this blog again now. I'm entering yet another new chapter in my life. I'm starting my own business and have a couple of freelance clients already. Tonight I'm sitting in my brother's house... my brother David... he and his fiancee Shona who is like a sister to me are my very best friends in the world... thinking about how I have to go home soon and not wanting to go. The life I lead now is not the life I led two years ago in any way, shape or form, and I doubt that I am really much of the same person.

It's too late now to go back and catch up on everything that's happened and everything that's made me who I am now. So instead I sit here looking at the candles that are no longer burning, being glad to be here... and starting again.