Last day/first day

So this morning was the last service at Pastor Dan's church.

I got there about half na hour early. I felt a little sadbecause Pastor Dan wasn't his usualy smiling self, it seemed. I realized suddenly that this was hard for him, too, and that he wished he didn't have to do this.

But once the service began, I realized that ir eally did admire him. He began by reading for Ecclesiastes (sp?)--that famous passage about

For everything there is season,
A time to live, a time to die.

And then he said, "This is really hard. My heart is breaking, and I might not be able to get through this without crying."

And right then I knew why I admired him and had felt a connection to him more than any other pastor I've met out here. Because of the complete openness and honety with which he approaches all of us.

And I know it sounds cruel, though I don't mean it to be, but I was grateful for his tears. It made me feel like it had been OK for me to be sad about it last week, that none of us were expected to move on easily, as if none of it mattered.

So I listened to him read from Ecclesiastes and suddenly I thought that everything he was saying applied equally well to losing Dave. And I wondered why losing Dave and losing this church were intertwined in my mind. It's so strange. I don't have an answer for that.

Anyway, after that we did some worship songs and then he read from John 13, when Jesus washes the feet of his disciples. And he told us all that he believed God had great things in store for each of us. And he invited us to come up on by one for him to pray for us.

And then he closed by having communion with us.

We all hung around and talked for a little bit. He said we could take a Bible if we needed one. I already have two Bibles inherited from Dave, but I took one anyway because I wanted a little piece of the church, so I could remember every time I read it.

Pastor Dan signed my Bible for me. Now i have something I treasure.

It was just starting to rain as I left, a if God too was crying because this particular chapter had to end. I drove home and changed my shirt so I would be ready for my date, feeling surprised that I felt so good and so happy. I had expected to still be drowning in grief.

And then... then I had a really great time.

I got to Applebee's at exactly 2. I would have been early, except for I got stuck at a light right around the corner from the restaurant, seemingly forever. Anyway, we got a table and sat and talked and almost forgot to look at the menu.

After lunch we were going to go to the movies, but he was concerned about his papers that he had to grade (he's a teacher too) so instead we just sat and talked for about 2 hours.

When I got home I had an e-mail from him saying that he had a really good time. We're planning on going out again next Saturday.

Oh, I hope this works out... I just feel like Dave is up there in heaven saying, "That's my girl," whenever things go well for me... I'm really happy and I'm afraid to be as happy as I am, afraid it won't last, won't work out.

But I'm trying to stay positive.

Late night post

It's late and I should be getting to bed. Tomorrow's going to be a long day.

Tomorrow is the last day of church :( I made a banana cream pie to bring. Or, I should say, I tried to make it. I followed all the directions, even chilled it for 8 hours instead of 3, but it's still all mushy like pudding, not solid like pie.

*sigh* I don't have time to make something else. I'm thinking I might just put it in the oven for a few minutes to see if that'll get it to solidify even though the recipe was adamant about chilling it. Otherwise I'll have to present it as a pudding. (I'm very determined to bring this thing.)

After church I have a date. I'm really excited. I have an hour to get there and it's only five minutes away so I should have time to say a proper goodbye.

I realize that just because the church is disbanding doesn't mean I'll never see Pastor Dan again. I mean, he gave us all his phone number for a reason. I just... well, I don't like to call people unless i have a very specific reason because I don't want to be a pest. I even hated calling Dave even though he liked it when I called him from work. And I don't really know how to build a relationship with a pastor outside of a church.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to/dreading tomorrow at the same time.

In the meantime, I talked to another guy on the phone last Thursday and the Thursday before. He would like to go out next weekend.

I feel funny about scheduling dates with two different guys. I shouldn't, right? It's not like there's any commitment to be exclusive in this kind of dating. Obviously if things get serious with either of these guys, I would make a commitment and hopefully the other one would be willing to be just friends. I guess that's another way I'm like JD... I don't like to hurt people (and I'm jumping way too far ahead of myself, anyway.)

I finished my Scrubs fan fiction. I don't remember if I even mentioned it here. I was writing it just for me, although I was pretty damn impressed when I read it over tonight. I felt sad, too. When I took TV writing at USC, my teacher suggested I write a Scrubs episode. It was before I had gotten into it, so I ignored her. Then when I took an independent screenwriting class, I had thought about writing one but changed my mind. Now I don't live in LA anymore, the show is probably ending after this season, and it's a little late for me to be thinking about wanting to write for it.

Damn timing. I wonder how my life would have been different if I'd listened to my TV writing teacher.

Too bad I decided to give up Scrubs reruns for Lent. I'd like to watch my DVD of "My Butterfly" to remind myself (again) that things happen the way they're meant to happen.

Anyway, eventually I'll put it up on my myspace and link to it from here. But not tonight.

I really really should get to bed.

Lent

Today is the first day of Lent.

I had meant to ask Pastor Dan last week how one observes Lent, since I had never done it before, but it didn't seem appropriate after his announcement that the church was closing. So I'm winging it.

Knowing that you are suppsoed to sacrifice something for the length of Lent, I decided, after much inner debate, to sacrifice watching my beloved Scrubs reruns. I watched one last episode last night... and it just so happened to be one of my favorite ones, the one where Dr. Cox decides to be gentler with his residents, and as a result they gradually start acting more and more like high school kids. Meanwhile, JD's girlfriend breaks up with him when she realizes he is not over Elliot and therefore will not let anyone else be close to him.

(I never said I wouldn't summarize Scrubs reruns during Lent, just not watch them ;)

Anyway, I plan on celebrating Lent the way I used to celebrate Yom Kippor, without all the guilt attached. Yom Kippor is the Jewish day of atonement. Traditionally Jews fast all day. It is also a day where they are supposed to forgive one another, let go of grudges, and reflect upon their behaviour of the past year. Their own sins of the year are then wiped away.

I didn't like Yom Kippor as a kid/young adult because many of the prayers used had an emphasis on fearing God's punishment for being so evil and sinful.

However, I see Lent as a similar time, minus the guilt. It's a time to renew my relationships with others and with God, and to self-examine.

This first day of Lent has been a weird day, which I rather suspect was designed to get my mind off-track. It began with one of my contacts mysteriously disappearing out of my eye secons after I put it in, and ended with my cell phone not ringing so that I missed my very busy sister's call.

But, now, I am cooking for the first time in three months. I moved my lamp into the kitchen so I can see, since I cant rach the ceiling bulb to change it. I just started a new macaroni and cheese dish that I got from the Weight Watchers comfort foods cookbook. It's pretty similar to the recipe I used to have except it has onions and diced tomatoes in it, plus after it's made you bake it in the oven with toasted bread crumbs for half an hour.

Now that I'm in the cooking spirit, I decided that I'm going to bake a pie in honor of the last day of church. I think the bana bread pudding I used to make will do nicely.

Things are looking up :)

Yesterday

Yesterday was a strange, happy/sad day.

I love Sundays because of church, and yesterday was no exception, at first. Pastor Dan gave a really awesome sermon about the story of Joseph, which has always been my favorite Old Testament story. I love Joseph's integrity and commitment, and the story has personal meaning to me because as a kid, I felt invisible and kind of hated.

But I haven't had time to reflect on the sermon because at the end of the service, Pastor Dan announced that after next week the church is closing due to lack of funds. :( I was sitting there feeling like crying while he gave everyone his phone number so we could stay in touch. People were getting up to talk about how much the church meant to them. I wanted to say something too. At first I couldn't. I could only think, What am I supposed to do now?

So finally I decided I had to say something because otherwise I enver would, and I didn't want to be this weird person who sits in church for two months and then quietly disappears forever. Not this time. I didn't stand up even though I wanted to. My voice stuck in my throat at first but finalyl I was able to say that when Dave died I feltl ike turning my back on God altogether, and that it was through this church that I was able to conitnue in my relationship with God. There were a lot of things I didn't add to that, because I was too sad to think of them and because they were too personal. Things like, no matter how crappy my week was, I always felt good on Sunday. And how it made me feel closer to Dave's memory because he would have liked this church. Sometimes I felt like he was sitting there with me. And things like, why is it that ever since August it feels like everything's just been falling apart? Ever since Dave's death everything shakes me up... and then I lost my car... and now this.

I didn't want to say those things so after the service I went up and gave Pastor Dan a hug. They had some t-shirts and stuff they were giving away. I took a calendar that said "I love teaching," since I'm going into the teaching profession. I couldn't bear to look at the t-shirts, something I regretted as soon as I walked away.

*sigh* I had carpooled with a former neighbor and friend. She was upset too, but she also kept telling me to "calm down", which really annoyed me. I know that people don't like to see their friends upset and crying, but damn it, I was sad and I needed to cry. She wanted me to stay a while at her house and maybe drink a beer with her, but I decided against that. First of all, somewhere among all the other things Dave taught me is that drinking when you're upset is only going to make thigns worse. And I can't drink without thinking of him, anyway, and losing my church was just tearing open the scab over the gigantic wound of losing him.

So I decided to go on with my day as planned and went to the roller rink. It was a little bit of an irritating experience because there were an unusual number of little kids who couldn't skate flopping all over the place. Usually I like kids but for some reason they all seemed to be in my way. I've never had a kid crash into me and knock me down before.

I did do a little skating, but for the most part I sat on the sidelines feeling irritated and upset, and talking to my best imaginary friend JD. I wished Dave was there. He'd know what to do. And I probably wouldn't be this upset if he was.

Eventually they played a song I liked and I skated to it. Unfortunately, I fell and hit my knee. I bruised it in the exact same space that I hurt it when I got baptized, which is a weird thought I can't seem to get rid of. I left soon after.

After skating, I stopped to call my grandmother before I went to dinner. She's old and sick so I feel ilke I should call her once in a while. She's also incredibly overbearing and annoying. Of course I couldn't tell her that my heart was broken over losing my church because she thinks that Judaism is the only true religion and that Christianity is an "evil" taking people away from God. I did tell her I might go to temple this week. She apparently felt obliged to tell my mom later that I'm only going to temple for "social reasons" and that I'm not really seeking God. I'm incredibly annoyed. Just because I don't worship the way she does doesn't mean I'm not seeking God, and knowing that I have a personal relationship with Him doesn't make me feel better. I'm probably mad at Him again too because I'm tired of having crap fall on me.

Well anyway, after I ate I came home and tried to rest and wrote in my paper diary and thought some more. Towards evening time I decided to try calling a guy from e-harmony that I'm really interested in, even though I had little hope right then that I would get anywhere.

We talked for an hour. He's a teacher too and he used to teach colelge just ilke I did. He's interested in writing even though he hasn't written much lately. After we takled for a while I asked him what he was doing next weekend. We're going to go to lunch and maybe the movies on Sunday afternoon.

I'm feeling double-minded now. I'm of course going to go to Pastor Dan's final service. I'm even planning on making something (I'm thinking of maybe the banana bread pudding) in honor of this occasion. And so I'm not going to want to rush away to a date, at least without saying goodbye properly. And I'm going to be a little upset, although obviously I'll have had a week to adjust.

BUT I'm also really excited about this guy and I'm hoping it'll work out better than my last date. And I think doing something fun with a new guy will take my mind off things.

And I don't want to change or cancel and appear all flakey and mess it up that way.

So this is how it stands right now.

Movin' forward

I got my PRAXIS scores today. I not only passed, I passed with flying colors. Minimum passing scores were 143 and 159 respectively; my scores were 173 and 184.

I am so so so happy. I hope this translates into a teaching job. My temp job is supposed to end after 2-3 weeks more.

In the meantime I'm working the day shift starting Monday so I can get back to some sort of normal life.

YAY me!!!

Jumbled thoughts about growing up

It's late and I'm tired but I wanted to post something because it's been a while. And also because I feel, and have felt for a while, that I am on the cusp of growing up.

Tonight was the best episode of Scrubs ever because of the last five minutes. (In case any other Scrubs fans haven't watched it yet, this is a good a place as any to shout SPOILER. (i.e stop reading if you don't want to know ;)

JD FINALLY realized how trying his clinginess is on his friends. "I can't stand two hours of this, let alone six years," he said. He turned down the invitation to have a beer with Dr. Cox that he's sought for six years, saying, "I don't have any plans, but at least I'm dealing with things on my own now." I was cheering.

It's funny how JD and I always seem to be facing the same issues at the same time. It seems that every rerun I watch is dealing with some issue that I'm also dealing with. I'm not dealing with clinginess per se, but like me, JD was feeling that his life had turned to crap and he was so overwhelmed... and ultimately realized it was up to him to fix it. It makes me feel good to go through this journey with this imaginary friend, even though real friends to share it would be even better. That's one thing I really miss about Dave...

In other news, I should be getting my PRAXIS scores any day now. They were supposed to be mailed out on the 13th. I was hoping I would get them today, but all I got was an advertisement about consolidating my student loan :( I'm a little impatient because I think this test is the key to getting a teaching job.

Oh, and I have two guys on eharmony who are interested in me. I feel weird about this. It's not like you commit to be exclusive with anyone until... well, you make that commitment. But it seems everyone on eharmony is looking for their life partner. And it would totally suck if one of them decided he wanted to go further with me and I'd already decided on the other one.

Anyway, so there are these two guys. One of them is an Indian fellow getting his citizenship in this country. We talked for two hours about philosophy and psychology. That was really cool, although it was more an intellectual conversation than a personal one. It is nice to have someone intelligent to talk to, though.

The other one I haven't really talked to yet. He e-mailed me once. He's a teacher and a writer too--and he's taught college before just like I have. I felt really excited when I heard from him. When I called him tonight, though, he said he was very tired and that he would call me back on Saturday.

I don't know what to make of all that. It's too early to make anything out of it, I guess. But it's nice to have possibilities.

All in all, I'm starting to feel happy, in a way I haven't since Dave's death. Some days I actually wake up happy. A lot of my prayers have been prayers of thanksgiving. I feel that this is a beautiful world we live in, even though it seems like a broken one sometimes.

I just wish Dave was here to share it with me.

Random thoughts about romance

My childhood best friend is getting married.

When my mom told me this last year, I felt sad. At the time, I was working at a dead-end job and I felt my life was going nowhere. Given what happened to Dave, my thoughts then seem silly now. I was worried about whether going beyond friendship with him was the right thing to do. He didn't want marriage or kids, which is understandable considering his history. I knew that I did.

Anyway, my thoughts then were along the lines of what am I doing with my life? I felt old all of a sudden. This girl who was my best friend until I was 14, this girl who I grew up, is getting married. I thought, Am I ever going to get married? Am I ever going to have kids?

Am I ever going to get my life together enough to be able to create a family?

I just went to macys.com and bought her a gift from the wedding registry. They only give you three lines to write a message. I wanted to say so much, but I ended up just saying, "I can't believe you're getting married. Congratulations." I felt funny putting "love" on it even though it felt right. It's been years since we've spoken or seen each other. And I have a painful memory burned permanently into my brain of my 14th birthday, when she told me she didn't want to be best friends with me anymore.

So back to my thoughts. I'm gradually getting my life together, I guess. I'm working now and I should be getting my test results back within a few weeks, after which I can start applying for teacher's jobs. I'm feeling less and less like 30 is too fast approaching and I have nothing to show for it.

It would be reasonable not to expect to have any major relationship in my life, considering what Dave was to me.

And that's the only thing missing.

My date last Sunday was disappointing. We didn't seem to have anything in common except teaching, and manly what he had to say about that was that he had trouble managing his time and wasn't sure he was doing a good job.

I didn't have a bad time, but I knew I didn't want another date.

And yet when he e-mailed me yesterday to say he thought I was nice but there was no connection and that we could be e-mail friends if I wanted, I felt hurt. It makes no sense since I felt the same way.

I guess I hoped I was overreacting even though I know I wasn't. I'm too anxious about the whole dating thing. Dave was my first love. I never dated in high school or college. That's part of what makes losing him so damn hard.

In the meantime my brother and sister are both in serious relationships that are probably going to lead to marriage and my childhood best friend is getting married.

It just underscores that there's something missing in my life.

I really shouldn't be so anxious. I already know that someday I' going to have kids which, presumably means someday I'm going to be married. I'm going to have a son and name him Jonathan David. David after Dave, of course. Jonathan because the biblical Jonathan was David's loyal friend and has always een my favorite Bible chaacter.

So instead of being anxious i should be patient and let the right person come to me. I wasn't expecting to meet Dave when I did, after all.

It's just hard not to be lonely when everyone else around you seems to have someone.