Yesterday

Yesterday was a strange, happy/sad day.

I love Sundays because of church, and yesterday was no exception, at first. Pastor Dan gave a really awesome sermon about the story of Joseph, which has always been my favorite Old Testament story. I love Joseph's integrity and commitment, and the story has personal meaning to me because as a kid, I felt invisible and kind of hated.

But I haven't had time to reflect on the sermon because at the end of the service, Pastor Dan announced that after next week the church is closing due to lack of funds. :( I was sitting there feeling like crying while he gave everyone his phone number so we could stay in touch. People were getting up to talk about how much the church meant to them. I wanted to say something too. At first I couldn't. I could only think, What am I supposed to do now?

So finally I decided I had to say something because otherwise I enver would, and I didn't want to be this weird person who sits in church for two months and then quietly disappears forever. Not this time. I didn't stand up even though I wanted to. My voice stuck in my throat at first but finalyl I was able to say that when Dave died I feltl ike turning my back on God altogether, and that it was through this church that I was able to conitnue in my relationship with God. There were a lot of things I didn't add to that, because I was too sad to think of them and because they were too personal. Things like, no matter how crappy my week was, I always felt good on Sunday. And how it made me feel closer to Dave's memory because he would have liked this church. Sometimes I felt like he was sitting there with me. And things like, why is it that ever since August it feels like everything's just been falling apart? Ever since Dave's death everything shakes me up... and then I lost my car... and now this.

I didn't want to say those things so after the service I went up and gave Pastor Dan a hug. They had some t-shirts and stuff they were giving away. I took a calendar that said "I love teaching," since I'm going into the teaching profession. I couldn't bear to look at the t-shirts, something I regretted as soon as I walked away.

*sigh* I had carpooled with a former neighbor and friend. She was upset too, but she also kept telling me to "calm down", which really annoyed me. I know that people don't like to see their friends upset and crying, but damn it, I was sad and I needed to cry. She wanted me to stay a while at her house and maybe drink a beer with her, but I decided against that. First of all, somewhere among all the other things Dave taught me is that drinking when you're upset is only going to make thigns worse. And I can't drink without thinking of him, anyway, and losing my church was just tearing open the scab over the gigantic wound of losing him.

So I decided to go on with my day as planned and went to the roller rink. It was a little bit of an irritating experience because there were an unusual number of little kids who couldn't skate flopping all over the place. Usually I like kids but for some reason they all seemed to be in my way. I've never had a kid crash into me and knock me down before.

I did do a little skating, but for the most part I sat on the sidelines feeling irritated and upset, and talking to my best imaginary friend JD. I wished Dave was there. He'd know what to do. And I probably wouldn't be this upset if he was.

Eventually they played a song I liked and I skated to it. Unfortunately, I fell and hit my knee. I bruised it in the exact same space that I hurt it when I got baptized, which is a weird thought I can't seem to get rid of. I left soon after.

After skating, I stopped to call my grandmother before I went to dinner. She's old and sick so I feel ilke I should call her once in a while. She's also incredibly overbearing and annoying. Of course I couldn't tell her that my heart was broken over losing my church because she thinks that Judaism is the only true religion and that Christianity is an "evil" taking people away from God. I did tell her I might go to temple this week. She apparently felt obliged to tell my mom later that I'm only going to temple for "social reasons" and that I'm not really seeking God. I'm incredibly annoyed. Just because I don't worship the way she does doesn't mean I'm not seeking God, and knowing that I have a personal relationship with Him doesn't make me feel better. I'm probably mad at Him again too because I'm tired of having crap fall on me.

Well anyway, after I ate I came home and tried to rest and wrote in my paper diary and thought some more. Towards evening time I decided to try calling a guy from e-harmony that I'm really interested in, even though I had little hope right then that I would get anywhere.

We talked for an hour. He's a teacher too and he used to teach colelge just ilke I did. He's interested in writing even though he hasn't written much lately. After we takled for a while I asked him what he was doing next weekend. We're going to go to lunch and maybe the movies on Sunday afternoon.

I'm feeling double-minded now. I'm of course going to go to Pastor Dan's final service. I'm even planning on making something (I'm thinking of maybe the banana bread pudding) in honor of this occasion. And so I'm not going to want to rush away to a date, at least without saying goodbye properly. And I'm going to be a little upset, although obviously I'll have had a week to adjust.

BUT I'm also really excited about this guy and I'm hoping it'll work out better than my last date. And I think doing something fun with a new guy will take my mind off things.

And I don't want to change or cancel and appear all flakey and mess it up that way.

So this is how it stands right now.