Random thoughts about romance

My childhood best friend is getting married.

When my mom told me this last year, I felt sad. At the time, I was working at a dead-end job and I felt my life was going nowhere. Given what happened to Dave, my thoughts then seem silly now. I was worried about whether going beyond friendship with him was the right thing to do. He didn't want marriage or kids, which is understandable considering his history. I knew that I did.

Anyway, my thoughts then were along the lines of what am I doing with my life? I felt old all of a sudden. This girl who was my best friend until I was 14, this girl who I grew up, is getting married. I thought, Am I ever going to get married? Am I ever going to have kids?

Am I ever going to get my life together enough to be able to create a family?

I just went to macys.com and bought her a gift from the wedding registry. They only give you three lines to write a message. I wanted to say so much, but I ended up just saying, "I can't believe you're getting married. Congratulations." I felt funny putting "love" on it even though it felt right. It's been years since we've spoken or seen each other. And I have a painful memory burned permanently into my brain of my 14th birthday, when she told me she didn't want to be best friends with me anymore.

So back to my thoughts. I'm gradually getting my life together, I guess. I'm working now and I should be getting my test results back within a few weeks, after which I can start applying for teacher's jobs. I'm feeling less and less like 30 is too fast approaching and I have nothing to show for it.

It would be reasonable not to expect to have any major relationship in my life, considering what Dave was to me.

And that's the only thing missing.

My date last Sunday was disappointing. We didn't seem to have anything in common except teaching, and manly what he had to say about that was that he had trouble managing his time and wasn't sure he was doing a good job.

I didn't have a bad time, but I knew I didn't want another date.

And yet when he e-mailed me yesterday to say he thought I was nice but there was no connection and that we could be e-mail friends if I wanted, I felt hurt. It makes no sense since I felt the same way.

I guess I hoped I was overreacting even though I know I wasn't. I'm too anxious about the whole dating thing. Dave was my first love. I never dated in high school or college. That's part of what makes losing him so damn hard.

In the meantime my brother and sister are both in serious relationships that are probably going to lead to marriage and my childhood best friend is getting married.

It just underscores that there's something missing in my life.

I really shouldn't be so anxious. I already know that someday I' going to have kids which, presumably means someday I'm going to be married. I'm going to have a son and name him Jonathan David. David after Dave, of course. Jonathan because the biblical Jonathan was David's loyal friend and has always een my favorite Bible chaacter.

So instead of being anxious i should be patient and let the right person come to me. I wasn't expecting to meet Dave when I did, after all.

It's just hard not to be lonely when everyone else around you seems to have someone.