The last night of the old year

Tomorrow night I'm going to Rosh Hashanah services with my family of choice. I'm excited, kind of. I'm glad to be sharing the holiday with them, and I believe this year will truly be a year of New Beginnings for all of us... great things are going to happen this year.

But tonight I am faced with the consequences of my past in a very hurtful way. My brother asked me to wear something white in honor of the holiday. So being a night owl, I'm looking through my closet at 3 AM for something to wear.

I can not find my good white shirt anywhere, first of all. I had it just a few weeks ago... I washed it... I put it away... and it is not in the closet.

I found a gorgeous cream colored skirt I would like to wear. I have never worn it. There is only one problem. It does not fit over my hips.

So here I am, at 3:15 AM the last night of the Old Year, sitting here crying because I've gained 30 pounds in the last year and can't seem to stick to my diet any more to get them back off. I do well for a few days, then I go back to the old habits. It's just too hard to try to figure out what to eat and when to eat it, especially when I'm constantly worried about money and spending it on food sometimes feels like a luxury.

I don't regret this life I've chosen. I'm following my dream and it's going to be hard for a while but then it'll be all right. But right now it feels like I just don't have the money to live right.

So I'm sitting here crying a little because the skirt I wanted to wear doesn't fit and I feel like I don't take proper care of myself because I either eat too much or too little and I'm living on bagels and frozen foods. And I'm going to wear a gorgeous blue flowered skirt with white centers in each flower which fits comfortably and I love, but what the hell am I going to do for a top? And my grandmother's light green scarf, which would have gone perfectly with the cream colored skirt, isn't going to go with the blue one, even if I can find a top. And I want to buy a new outfit but even if my unemployment check comes tomorrow like it's supposed to, there's no way I can afford it.

It seems ridiculous in the scheme of things, but tonight it's important.

Tonight is the last night of the old year, the old life. The old life apparently is trying its hardest to keep living, even though its time is almost gone. The new life, the future stretches before me, if I can just get past this one stupid obstacle.

I want to change. I've started changing already. I'm starting to make money as a freelancer and I'm sure that will only improve over time. But tonight, I just want an outfit to wear to temple tomorrow. I want to dress up and look beautiful and honor G-d. I want to show the judgmental assholes at this temple that I've moved on and am doing better than ever without their influence in my life.

I want a white dress that fits. I want money to buy a dress and a body it looks good on.

I'm ready for change, G-d, where do I begin?