I don't like the idea of praying for other people to change, because really, other people's shortcomings are between them and G-d and it is NONE of our business. Nobody changes unless they want to or G-d changes their heart to want them to. And after all I have experienced in the past year and even in the past DAY, I would be very, very scared of people praying for me to change.
I have a lot of qualities that some people would consider "sinful". I am biromantic. I support LGBT rights. I support the right of people NOT to believe in Jesus or G-d if they so choose. I believe people ought to do what is best for themselves, in conjunction with G-d's will, even if it means hurting someone else's feelings or disappointing someone.
Don't anyone DARE pray for me to repent from any of those "sins".
I'm a little bit angry, which is a problem, because carrying around a ton of anger and pain is not the appropriate way to live your life. Last night, we went to Yom Kippor services, or attempted to, at the Messianic temple we once called home. Immediately, the three of us felt uncomfortable, and we soon left.
That was only the beginning.
I was remembering two things in the car on the way back. One was how my mother for YEARS went to temple even though she didn't believe in it, because she was afraid G-d would punish her if she didn't She was MISERABLE during High Holiday time. Rosh Hashanah, which is supposed to be a time of great joy, was always a horrible day growing up, because my mom was in such a bad mood from forcing herself to go to a temple she hated.
I didn't want to be like that, and I could see myself becoming that way. There is no WAY I will ever set foot inside that temple again.
The original reason I left was because of the homophobia there. Almost everyone knows my story already... my close friendship with a bisexual person (now a bisexual couple)... the fact that that person nearly COMMITTED SUICIDE because of homophobia... my passion as a result for reversing the high trend towards suicide among LGBT people... my coming to terms with my asexuality... and finally my realization that I want a female partner...
When I am dating my girlfriend, I will not be able to bring her to temple because of these people who think showing G-d's love = judging homosexuals... and to me that is offensive. Not as offensive as guiding someone towards suicide in the name of love, but offensive nevertheless.
Anyway, in the car on the way back it just seemed everyone was PASSIONATELY upset. My best friends, who are engaged to each other, were tense with each other... afraid that their passion and their religious beliefs could drive them apart. I just sat there thinking, This temple didn't kill my brother and it will NOT kill their relationship either. There wasn't any way to influence it, of course, but that's what I felt.
The problems with this temple go far beyond the homophobia that pushed me away from it. I am a Jewitch--a Jewish Pagan. I do not agree that Jesus was the ONLY messiah, or that He was the messiah for everyone. I can not worship Jesus the man. I worship G-d, the spirit.
I respect others' right to believe in Jesus and worship Him, and if that works for you I'm happy for you. But why why why do people have to try to make me believe what they do?
And THAT is what makes me so angry.
So here it is, halfway through Yom Kippor, and I'm supposed to be contemplating my walk with G-d and how to do better in the coming year. And I am so passionately ANGRY I can not think.
So I suppose that is the defect I should work on this year... all that ANGER. My life is not where I want it... I have a business that so far is going nowhere, no job, barely any income... I want a girlfriend and can not find one... I live in an area that is not Jewish friendly and not LGBT friendly... if I really wanted to I could just be very angry all the time and not do anything to better my life.
I'm off to light some incense and pray I suppose. I'm hungry and looking forward to the end of this fast lol.
2 comments:
Organized religion of any kind often leaves people feeling this way. A personal relationship with G-d is so much more rewarding. As you wrote on my blog:
"I believe that love is G-d, and that if there is a reckoning at the end, it will be done with mercy and compassion, at least for those who were merciful and compassionate here on Earth. Our sins and shortcomings will be blotted out if on balance our virtues exceed them."
Hold fast to your truths and to yourself. Let no one compromise your values, and do not sabotage yourself.
My brother saw so much in you, said you were one of the best people he ever knew, and so do I...
Lastly, anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It can burn away apathy and light a fire under our butts to DO SOMETHING. Sometimes, anger can be your friend.
That said, it can be wasted energy and burn away decency, so use it and don't let it use you...
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