Trying to be patient

I had a job interview yesterday. I couldn't tell whether the interviewer liked me or not. It was for a job teaching Behavioral Emotional Disorder kids at a high school. Like all the other interviews I've been on, it started with a description of the job and then "So tell me about yourself."

Since I've joined Toastmasters, I feel a little more confident with this question. I said I had just moved here from LA to teach and told the whole story of how I found NCTEACH and all that. He asked me why I wanted to teach special ed... oh, if only I'd told him about the passion I have for it. I talked about working with ADHD students and wanting to work with autistic students, which I don't think he liked because he felt obliged to point out that these students are not autistic. Then he talked about how all the teachers help each other and how the kids are not stupid, just disabled (like I didn't know that). then he asked me if I had any questions. I asked him if there's mentoring/training for new teachers, and he said that they pair you with a seasoned teacher, then he went into this long thing about how people are afraid to ask him questions because they don't want him to think they don't know how to do their job, but e wants people to ask...

And that was it.

Today I haven't heard anything. From him or from the HR director.

I want to be working already. I feel like I'm never going to have a job. I'm tired of living off my dad's money when I've been independent for three years. I know it took my sister a year to find a law job, and so I just have to keep trying. But I am so impatient...

If Dave were here he'd just tell me to be patient and let God open the right door for me, and just him saying it would calm me down. It's so much harder to say it to myself.

Checkin' in

I didn't do much today. I decided to take the day off... I could have done some writing or worked on my magazine list but I somehow ended up playing Sims 2 all day. I'm creating a new neighborhood, which I named Hogsmeade after the wizarding village in Harry Potter (the one that older students are allowed to visit on certain weekends). I'm creating families named after some of the Harry Potter characters... of course, there are limits because there are no wizards in Sims 2 (yet... maybe an expansion pack will come out one of these days) and so the characters just do everyday things. I made an extravagant mansion for the Malfoys, which appears to be sinking into the grass... it was built on a not-so-stable hill apparently. Serves them right for being Dark wizards, and greedy to boot. I played them for a minute so that i could furnish their house... there was so much space that I didn't know what to put. It's weird because usually I don't have enough room for everything I want or need. The Malfoys have too much room and half of it is empty because I ran out of objects. I used the familyfunds cheat to give them 600,000 Simeoleons to start with, so they can buy anything they want, but I don't know what that is yet...

Anyway, after that I made a house with Dumbledore and his younger brother, Aberforth, although it wouldn't allow me to make them brothers because Dumbledore is an Elder and his brother is not. So I had to say that Aberforth was his son. I also made the Dursleys and Harry. The game wouldn't allow me to create Harry without a parent so I had to put his mother in as well. And of course I made Elsie and her mother. I put her father in a separate house on the other side of town. Unfortunately there's no way to tell the game that they're related. I still want to make Snape (I surrounded his house with steam and blackened grass... he'll live in one of the other mansions in the rich section--I put a few mansions on one side of the neighborhood and affordable houses on the other), and Ginger and her parents, and perhaps the Weasleys. And Sirius Black. Then I need to build all the stores and stuff downtown. Then I can play!

I want to get the other expansion packs in this order: University, Open For Business, and Pets (when it comes out). I can also get the Glamour and Family Fun Stuff Paks eventually. Then maybe I'll have enough objects for the Malfoys!

In other news, it looks like I'm going to be employed soon. The HR director said she faxed my application to a high school principal who is looking for both a teacher and a teacher's assistant, as well as to someone else who is looking for a teacher's assistant. I'm nervous about teaching in a high school... I had wanted to teach elementary kids... but at this point I don't want to be too picky. I'll have to take whatever position comes along and trust God to help me do it.

Yesterday was Toastmasters again. I really really like that club. I was Table Topics Master this week, which meant that I had to come up with topics and pick people to talk on them. For one of my topics, I asked for someone to talk about a relationship that changed their life. I was thinking of Dave when I said that. This guy came up, this big Army guy, and he started talking about how his dad passed away a few months ago and it made him realize that you can't take life for granted. It was so weird how I had been inspired by my memory of Dave and this guy was talking about such a similar thing. Needless to say he won Best Table Topics. I had hoped to talk to him afterwards but he left before I could.

Afterwards I went to the library book club. It was kind of an uncomfortable experience, because we were discussing the story of Samson. The cllub is made up of mainly elderly people, so I always feel a little out of place there anyway. Yesterday was worse because without exception, every single one of them was focused on how this Biblical story was "a bunch of nonsense" that "no one intelligent could believe." I sat there fingering the cross charm on my necklace and wishing the meeting would end. I was afraid to say much of anything. I contributed one comment--when everyone was talking about how wrong it was for Samson to kill people in the name of God I said that it points out that war twists things out of shape so that right and wrong don't have their usual meanings. I was hoping to get people to realize that this was a war situation and not a simple matter of "It's OK to kill if you think God's behind it" (which ignores the Ten Commandments anyway), but all that happened was this old man looked at me and said, "And we've been doing it ever since," in a very sneering way. When the librarian in charge asked whether there was anything in the story that could apply to modern life, I was the only one who had anything to say. I talked about not being so caught up in love for another person that you ignore signs that they aren't good for you--Samson ignored Delilah's repeated attempts to find out how to destroy his power, as well as her manipulativeness because he loved her.

Gee, I guess my "wrong-headed" belief in God allowed me to actually get something out of the story, as opposed to trying to prove to everyone how stupid a story it was.

I'm surprised at my depth of anger about this. After Dave died for a while I didn't really want anything to do with God because I was so angry and confused about losing Dave. I still haven't fully reconciled that... the best I can do is to know that Dave's in heaven and that someday we will be together again. And yet somehow faith took root in me during the time I was with Dave. Sometimes I associate my belief in God with him because he was the first person to teach me who God really was and how all this works.

Anyway, leaving all that aside for the moment, my other news is that I've lost 4 pounds as of today. I was hoping to get my 5-pound bookmark, but I guess I will next week. At this rate I'm probably going to have lost 20 pounds or so by Thanksgiving. I've decided that once a month I'm going to take a picture of myself so that I can have a digital diary of my progress in this department.

My mom sent me a videotape of last week's Criminal Minds. I tried to watch it, but something's wrong with my new DVD/VCR. :( Even when I change over to VCR mode it stays in DVD mode. I know because I put a DVD in to test it, and the DVD was playing even when the machine was set for VCR. Pressing play on the VCR tape did nothing... the counter showed it was playing but the TV stayed stubbornly on the Zenith screen showing that there was no disc in the DVD player. Everything's plugged in right and the DVD player works fine. After an hour of fooling around with it, I gave up and flipped through channels instead. I ended up watching the end of Boston Legal, which to my surprise was actually good! I watched that show some with Dave last year, but more often than not it was silly, so I wasn't going to bother with this season.

Last but not least (I seem to be lacking in the transitions department tonight... I guess I'm a little tired), Chapter 4 of Elsie Worthing is now up. I'm going to try to work on Chapter 5 tomorrow... my original plan has now fallen by the wayside so I'm a little lost. Maybe I'd better write a new plan before I do anything else.

More adventures in cooking

I made manicotti tonight. It was an interesting experience... you were supposed to "shred" the zucchini, which irritated me, as I purposely bought pre-sliced zucchini to save myself some work. Anyway, shredding apparently just means cutting into thin slices, which is what I did.

The filling was fairly easy to make. You cook the vegetables, then mix in ricotta cheese, parmesean cheese, basil, and egg substitute. Egg substitute sure cooks fast when the pan was hot! It was almost burning by the time I found the mushrooms, which were in the wrong drawer...

The hardest part was filling the manicotti tubes, especially since by this time it was after 9 and I wanted to watch Desperate Housewives. I tried to fill them hurriedly during the commercial, which of course meant tubes were breaking and things were generally not working very well. After the first commercial I was able to put the manicotti in the oven, so I could enjoy the rest of the show.

This is the first time I've watched TV since I've moved here. Dave and I used to watch this every week... it was hard not to miss him, especially during the scene where Susan was begging her comatose boyfriend to wake up so that she wouldn't have to consider going out with someone else. I enjoyed it, though, except my antenna is as wacky as any of the various antennas we had in LA. If I moved the wrong way, the reception went out altogether. I can't wait until I'm working and I can afford to get cable.

Anyway the manicotti came out good... I could smell it after the show was over and it still had ten minutes to cook. I couldn't wait for the timer to ring. After I ate I put the leftovers in my new stay-fresh container. Naturally, one slipped off the spatula and landed in the dishwasher on top of the dirty dishes. I was planning on putitng the pan in there as soon as it was empty.

I'm good at dropping things. Earlier I wasted a dollar buying blackberries in the market. They fell all over the floor as I was leaving, and a bag boy took them to throw away.

I also don't know why I'm so tired. I slept all afternoon and I'm really tired again. I think maybe it's the high carb food... I haven't eaten pasta in a long time, but this was low-calorie so I figured I'd make an exception tonight.

I still have 7 points and one fruit/vegetable to eat before bed. Maybe I'm just not eating enough, as this seems to keep happening.

Saturday

I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote. I also can't believe it's Saturday... again. Time goes so fast. It always scared me, before, how fast time went. It's so ironic that I came out here because I was afraid I would die without having fulfilled any meaningful purpose in life.

Anyway, today being Saturday means today is homework day again. I always feel behind and lately unmotivated to do my homework. I know I need to finish these classes to finalize my teaching credential. There was a time when I loved school. But this just feels like a hoop I have to jump through and I'm sick of it.

I read a book by Alice Munro called Lives of Girls and Women. It was a really great book--a series of short stories, really, about a girl who lives in a small town in Canada. It didn't all connect until the end. As she grew up, she grew apart from everybody and in an effort to belong lost hold of herself. She drifted apart from her best friend because the other girl dropped out of school, as did most people, and got a job, then spent all her free time buying things for when she got married and putting up with drunken men she didn't really like because she was "supposed" to find a husband. Del, however, stayed in school, and thought she might get a scholarship to go to college, which was her only ticket out of her hometown. And yet this choice didn't satisfy her either.

This is the kind of book I want to write, the kind of book I hope my novel is although I'm not really sure. It saddened me, though, to read it... I get depressed when I read sad books or watch sad movies, so I have to be careful. And then... and then a little part of me thought about Dave and how as much as we were soulmates, he didn't understand about books. My love of literature was a world that was foreign to him, even though he wrote songs and we could connect through music. And as much as I loved him, sometimes I was lonely for someone to share the books with.

I think he knew that, although I tried to keep it secret from him that there was this hole in his understanding of me. Maybe that's why he took it personally that I left. I wasn't leaving him, but I think he feared we would drift apart because I was entering a world more appropriate to who I really was.

I feel guilty thinking all this because I really did love him, and I feel as if it's a betrayal of his memory to think that we were better suited as friends than as lovers, just as in life I felt it was a betrayal to be attracted to other men even though he said he wanted us to have an open relationship and that the only thing that mattered was our friendship, not whether we ever went further than that.

Anyway the ironic difference between me and Del is that she broke up with her non-intelelctual boyfriend because he tried to fore her to get baptized, while I wholeheartedly embraced my baptism and my commitment to God.

It's strange how I did secretly want these few months apart from Dave to try to figure out who I was and then come back to him stronger. I think if he had been able to come out here he would have been pleased with who I'd become.

I'm working on my next Toastmasters speech, to be given in a few weeks. We can choose any subject; the point is to do an organized 5-7 minute speech. I'm going to do mine on the topic of recapturing who you were meant to be rather than who you once were.

As always I owe my inspiration to Dave, who was second only in my love to God.

On the right path

I made fish tonight for the very first time. I had bought half a pound of flounder on a whim and frozen it until I decided what to do with it. Well, tonight I finally got sick of eating leftover chicken, so I googled flounder recipes and found a really easy flounder bake. (I also found some really nice-sounding recipes that I didn't have any of the ingredients for, but that's OK)

Basically I used salt, pepper, and paprika to season the fish, and made a sauce from melted margarine and lemon juice. (You're supposed to use fresh lemon juice, but since I didn't have any lemons I used bottled juice. It still came out fine) Then I baked it for 30 minutes.

This was SOOO good... I had cut the three fillets in half but I ended up eating all three, with some glazed carrots. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm full after eating fish.

In other news, it looks like I'm going to be employed soon!!! I went to the District Office for an informal interview this afternoon. It was me and one other girl from my program with the HR specialist. There are 15 positions open so maybe we'll both get jobs.

Anyway, basically the HR person acts as an agent to get your application out to the schools. I still have to get her my references... I'll fax them tomorrow so the people can start working on them... but in the meantime she's going to start circulating my application. She said I should expect to hear from school principals within a few days! I'm supposed to call her when I get an interview, or if I don't hear from anyone.

I am so excited. Well... I'm a little scared, too. There's a part of me that's afraid I won't be able to do this. I try to remember how much Dave believed in me.

I wish he was still here so I could tell him all about this but I'm sure he's watching from Heaven. Their starting salary, which according to the HR specialist, is "not as high as it should be" is about $2800/month, plus a bonus at the end of the school year.... all in all, about $30,000 for the year. That's more than I've ever made in my life--even when I taught at USC I only made about $15,000. That was plenty for me to live on in LA--now I'll be making twice as much money while prices are half as much. One thing's for sure: when I can afford it I'm getting wireless. Every time I want to upload pictures using my dial-up connection, I lose half an hour of my life. I also promised myself that when I get my first paycheck, I can get one of the expansion packs for Sims 2, although I'm thinking about buying that now in celebration of job I'm sure I'll have.

In preparation for this interview, I got a haircut and some more new clothes--I fit into a size 14 about half the time, and the rest of the time still have to wear a 16. So far I've lost 3 pounds since I started Weight Watchers... if I keep going I'll have lost about 20 pounds by Thanksgiving!

Anyway, here's me in my new suit that I bought for this interview:


And one of me just hanging out:



I like my hair much better short like this. It's easier to manage and it looks really good. I feel like a grown-up when I look at myself. Plus, somehow I look less fat since I got my new haircut.

The main reason I had kept my hair long was because Dave found long hair attractive... so it was hard to cut off for that reason, but I'm glad I did it. I'm sure if he was still here he would have found me attractive anyway, because I am :)

Pictures

I've been playing with the self-timer on my camera. I took a couple of shots of me sitting by my computer:




I also discovered that my camera has a video recording mode. You can record up to almost 4 minutes of video w/sound. I made a sample video but there wasn't enough light so parts of it came out really dark... I'm going to try again tomorrow. Ruben wanted to see some pictures of my house, which I took earlier, but I think maybe I can make a video tour, which would be even better.

Toastmasters

I did it! I did my first speech!

The group was really small tonight, which was just as well because, even though I was fine all day, I was really nervous when I walked in. I felt under-prepared, too... the other person who went was my friend Chrissy, who I met last week, and while we were waiting for the meeting to begin she was going over pages and pages of notes to figure out what to take out so that her speech wouldn't be too long.

Me, I had one typed page and a few notes on the next page that spilled over.

Plus i didn't actually finish writing my outline until this afternoon, about two hours before I had to leave. I just felt it would all come together.

Chrissy went first. Her speech was really really good. Honestly, I thought it was better than mine. Mine was very straightforward for the most part. Hers was more... clever... and I thought she knew better what she was saying.

When it was my turn I was shaking a little. I remembered to shake the Toastmaster's hand and looked at my notes real quick, because i couldn ot remember how I had planned to begin.

As I spoke, it did seem to come together. Things started coming to me. I thought I spoke well, but all too soon the Timer held up the paper to let me know I only had two minutes left, and I was still talking about childhood. I hurried through adolescence to adulthood, talked very briefly about LA and my relationship with Dave, then concluded.

There was so much more I wanted to say... I had wanted to talk about my baptism and about some of my experiences in LA and such.

But when evaluation time came, the evaluator loved it! He said it was the best organized speech he'd ever heard, that the content was on target, and he loved my delivery. The only thing he suggested was not squeezing the lecturn all the time.

Chrissy's husband spoke during Table Topics. I almost wished I hadn't done a speech, because one of the Table Topics was "talk about the person who most inspired you," which would have been my chance to say all those things about Dave that I didn't get to say in my speech because I ran out of time. But speechmakers were not supposed to do Table Topics so I didn't get to do that :(

Anyway, after he spoke, this lady got chosen to speak about "My Most Embarrasing Moment". I loved her speech. She stared out by saying that she didn't have an embarrassing moment and she wished the topic was "My Best Birthday." Then she said, "Well, since I have a best birthday, that's what I'm takling about," and told a very funny story about spending her birthday by herself at the circus. She even tied it in to the actual topic by saying she was embarrassed at how big she was when she looked at her picture with the clown.

She and Chrissy's husband tied for Best Table Topic Speaker. I hoped Chrissy would get Best Speaker, because I thought it would be neat for her and her husband to both get ribbons. That's exactly what happened.

Afterwards we all walked out together. Chrissy doesn't like the awards system because she feels it detracts from the supportiveness of the group, which is its stated goal. I kind of agree with her. I mean, I was actually rooting for her to win the ribbon.. I thoguht she was better prepared and made a better speech. But some people would have been upset that someone else won. Plus, she pointed out that having her husband there meant she had an automatic vote for herself, which is true... after all, if Dave was still here and had made it out to Fayetteville, I have no doubt he would have voted for me. He always was my cheerleading section.

I don't know. I think the voting is kind of neat... a little extra confirmation that you're doing well, but certainly not something that's necessary. At the same time, I don't like it when competition turns ugly or interferes with people doing their best for the sake of doing a good job.

In any case, no sooner did I get home than I heard a plantiative meow, and there was my black cat whom I haven't seen in two weeks.

I can't help thinking as always that he has something to do with Dave.. that he came around to let me know that Dave knew what I did and was proud of me.

Back to church, part II

I went to church this morning. It was a weird experience. First of all, this was a far more traditional service than I'm used to. I really liked Pastor Richard's way of doing things, although it is forever associated with Dave in my mind so perhaps it was time for me to do something new...

It was also a REALLY long service. I mean REALLY long. I hadn't eaten breakfast, assuming that the service would be short like Richard's services always were. But this service took FOUR HOURS.

The first part was really neat. We read various passages from the Bible and the pastor commented on each passage. He talked about obediance to God--about putting God first. He talked about how people have to go through the "wilderness" just as the Jews did upon being freed from slavery, where you don't understand anything and everything's scary and you need to cing to God but you feel like turning away from Him. That described so perfectly the conlficting feelings I've been having about God since losing Dave, the feelings I've been ashamed of and afraid of. I couldn't even tell Richard at the funeral when he asked me what the hardest thing was.

Because of that sermon I felt renewed. It was as if God had brought me here to here the words I need to hear, as He had so often done in the past.

After that, they had groups of kids come up and summarize what they learned in Sunday school. I felt kind of bad for the kids, because they seemed so shy and afraid... I didn't like that they were forced to speak when they didn't want to, and I wondered how well they had understood their lessons. I wondered if they were just repeating words without understanding the meanings, as I had been forced to do when I was little, reciting Hebrew words without knowing the language and feeling as if I were lying.

If it had ended there, that would have been enough for me.

But there was a second part of the service... people were supposed to come up to get rededicated to God, though I didn't. Then there was a lot of music that I didn't really listen to. The durmmer was hitting the drums too hard and I thought about how Dave wouldn't have done that. Suddenly I longed to play the drums. He had been teaching me and I don't want to lose this gift more precious than all the things he couldn't leave me. I had planned to buy a drum set when I could afford it, but had forgotten in the busyness of my life, the self-imposed busyness to keep me from thinking sad thoughts and the long list of things I needed to do, anyway, to move forward with my life.

I also thought about my ice breaker speech, which I still haven't fully written. I thought about the things I wanted to say, and how instead of preparing properly I was leaving everything until the last minute.

And of course I thought about Dave and how I wished he was here so I could tell him about this church.

Finally, after the music and the tithes and the offering (which was really neat, in a way... everyone who wanted to got in line and moved forward to the box to make their contribution, while music played in the background to bring them forward. I liked it but I didn't, because I believe that your offerings should be completely anonymous, to remove the possibility that you are doing it to show how good you are rather than out of genuine love for God) there was another sermon. I liked parts of it... we talked a bit about the prodigal son and about putting God first. The preacher was a bit too harsh for me, on the point of "you have to have everything perfect with God or you're going to Hell", which I don't quite believe. But all in all, it was enjoyable and helpful.

However, I was starving by this point. I wish I'd known that it would be 2 PM before I got home (I left at 9 AM). I would have eaten something. It didn't seem right to be thinking about food when I was supposed to be concentrating on God...

I have much to say but I am too tired and this post is rambling enough as it is.

Back to church

My neighbor invited me to a Singles meeting at a local church. I wasn't going to go at first... I kind of had given up on the whole church thing... not on God, exactly, but on going to church and especially on going places specifically for singles. I alternate between anger at God for letting Dave die and realizing how true everything Dave taught me about God is, and wanting to continue my spiritual journey even though Dave isn't on this earth to journey with me anymore.

Anyway, so at the last minute I decided to go. It was kind of fun to dress up. I put on my yellow dress (see my previous post about clothing shopping) and gold shoes, and put my hair up in a ponytail. It felt good to take care of my appearance. I haven't cared much lately...

The meeting was OK, I guess. I was the only non-African-American there, which doesn't usually bother me, but it was a bit strange. The pastor was very nice. I didn't like the way he prayed, though... he kept saying God every two seconds and I found it distracting. I just thinkt he way Richard always prays is more genuine.

The meeting was mainly about how no one is helping to build this new church. They took over a building that used to house a nursing home. It's huge, and they want to build a church and community center. Apparently no one but the pastor is building this thing.

After half an hour, it broke up. We were all suppsoed to socialize and they were going to go to dinner afterwards, but my neighbor didn't want to go so we just hung out for a while and came home.

It wasn't all that impressive, but I guess it was good for me to go back to a church... when I came home I automatically gravitated not to a game but to my Writers Market. That has to say something about God's re-entry into my life

I finished my list tonight!!! I have 180 or so listings. Of course, this is only the first step... tomorrow in addition to doing my homework and writing that speech once and for all, I'm going to run a query to get a sublist of those that take simultaneous submissions and are open for submissions right now. Then I'm going to look at the websites for each of those magazines and see which ones seem most appropriate to submit to. Then I draft my cover letters and send out at least 25 submissions.

I am so tired... I started to fade around the end of the T's but I wanted to get through the rest of this list... I kept making myself keep going...

Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day so I suppose I should get off-line fairly soon but I am so excited!

Update on me

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in this blog! I wish I could say that I've been incredibly busy. That was true on Monday, I guess, because I went clothing shoppinga nd ran a bunch of errands. I can't remember what I did Tuesday, other than go to a Weight Watchers meeting and make pot stickers again. I must have done something because I remember being really busy, but I can't remember what... Filled out applications, I think, while I waited for my transcripts to come.

Yesterday was a weird day. I got almost nothing done. I wrote three paragraphs that I hated and played Sims 2.

Today is the first Thursday since Dave passed away that I'm not totally depressed. I woke up with a first scene for Chapter 4 of Elsie Worthing in my head. (Chapter 3 is now up, by the way, and so far it's my favourite of what I've written.) I wrote all morning. I have the beginning of the idea for scene 2, but it's not quite born yet.

Tonight I'm making checkien with apples and cider for dinner. It's funny how I can get so excited about a little tiny thing. That was one of the things Dave always loved about me. I'd forgotten I could be like that.

I'm really sorry that our years together were marked with so much stress. I think we loved each other for who we really were, stress aside, for the people we had once been and lost in the craziness of our lives in LA. I wish we could have had more happy times. I wish Dave could have come here and reclaimed himself like I'm doing for myself.

I'm listening to the new Jewel CD right now. I bought it last week but I didn't want to listen to it because Dave and I listened to Jewel together all the time. Today I decided that I can't keep cutting everything out of my life that I shared with him because there will be nothing left. There's this beautiful, sad song I'm listening to right now called Goodbye Alice in Wonderland, in which the narrator looks back at her life, realizing she's not a child anymore and remembering her pain, and realizing she has to let go of "pretending"--of childhood magical thinking that everything is possible...

I do wish Dave was here to listen to this CD with me... he would have loved it too...

Anyway after this I'm going to wrok on my speech for Toastmasters. I'm presenting an icebreaker speech next week. I'm supposed to talk about who I am. I can't really do that without talking about Dave... even though we weren't legally married, we were spiritually, I think, and who he was is a big part of who I am. I don't want to talk about him too much in this first speech. I don't want my sadness to overshadow who I really am to these people I've never met before.

It should be an interesting speech, in any case. i'm looking forward to it.

I saw an ad for "Biblio speed dating" at the library. Not the local library, a different one which is probably miles away. Each person brings their favorite book to discuss with the date they are paired with. i feel crazy for thinking this, but I might want to sign up. I don't really want to date right now because it's too soon after losing Dave, but I just... I want to meet people... I don't want to pine away...

If I went I would probably bring Anthem. I remember one of the first things Dave and I talked about were how much I loved that book. It's been my favourite for about five years now, even though I've outgrown some of the ideas in it. Of course, you never outgrow rooting yourself in reality but... I do believe in God now... kind of. I believed in Him wholeheartedly before. I'm having trouble reconciling losing Dave with the loving God I believe in. And yet... and yet... I know there's a God out there, and I know the things Dave taught me about God were true and I hope someday I'll be with Dave in God's palace for eternity.

Maybe I wouldn't bring Anthem. Maybe I'd bring Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. That's truly my favourite Harry Potter book, and it's about some of the same things: truth and lies and the abuse of power the importance of sticking to what you know despite the world trying to deny it. Elsie Worthing is as much a tribute to OOTP as it is to my memories of Dave. It takes place during the same time period, with the same teachers and the same political background, although of course an 11-year-old is more self-centered and less likely to understand, or care, what's going on in the world around her than a 15-year-old.

Anyway I only have an hour before I want to start dinner and I want to get to that speech so I think I'll stop writing this for now. I meant this to be a quick update, but somehow when I don't write for a few days I end up storing up so much emotion that it all spills over when I do get a chance to write.

Adventures in clothing shopping (and a few other things)

I got so much done today it's unbelievable! I feel great. For the first time since Dave passed away, I feel like myself... and I don't feel guilty. I know he would have wanted me to be happy.

I decided that in preparation for seriously seeking teaching jobs, I ought to get myself some proper clothes. So I went down to the shopping center right on the edge of town.

First I stopped at Staples to fax my transcript request and make some copies of Disillusionment. I was going to make 25 copies, but I decided to splurge and make 50.

Staples' copy center is a LOT like Kinko's. A self-serve area where nothing seems to work, a couple of harried full-service people dealing with far too many clients, and no one (seemingly) on the floor to help self-service. The only difference is that you don't have to prepay... when you're done it prints out a report of how many copies you made, which you bring to the counter.

Anyway, so I found a machine and made a test copy. I glanced quickly through it and it looked fine.

I set the machine for 50 copies and went to send my fax. Unfortunately, nobody seemed to know that once you send a fax through, you can walk away and get the confirmation later. So the line moved extremely slowly because everybody hogged the machine until his or her confirmation went through. (At Kinko's we strongly discouraged people doing this. Now that I'm a customer, I understand why.) I sear this one lady was standing there for half an hour waiting for her confirmation...

When it was finally my turn, I did the same thing. I figured I'd waited, now the guy behind me could wait.

After I got my confirmation, my copies were still not done, so I went and got two boxes of envelopes (one regular sized, one large size, for manuscripts) and some pens, since I never seem to have one.

This is where things get good.

My machine ran out of paper. When I asked for more, a guy came onto the floor, opened another drawer in the same machine, and switched some of the paper stack over. He then told me, "It's working. It's just out of paper." (Thanks for the newsflash. I only worked in a copy shop for almost two years.)

Then, as I was putting separators in between my finished copies, I noticed a line running through page 2 of each copy! I was really disappointed in myself. I should have known better than to just take a cursory glance, given my experience at Kinko's, where this happened all the time. Knowing I should have checked more carefully, I felt obliged to pay for the copies anyway, even though I'm going to have to reprint page 2 at home every time I want to send one out.

Also, I think their machine is not calibrated right, because I made 50 15-page copies--or 750 pages--but the printout said I made 700 pages. I wasn't going to argue, though.

I was, however, honest in telling them that I used 50 sheets of blank green paper as separators and also that my fax was long distance. (It was a 909 number, but they automatically read it as 919, which is local.)

After I finally finished there, it was on to the clothing store. At first, this was a very frustrating experience. My size 16 pants are too big, but there was a very small selection of size 16 skirts--and they were all too small. I found one skirt I liked--a dark purple skirt that I couldn't find a top to. All their blouses were see-through or else they were that new style that looks like it needs to be ironed.

Finally, I came across an aisle marked "suits" I found a gorgeous blue two-piece skirt/jacket combo. It was a size 16. I tried it on and I looked beautiful.

But it was tight when I sat down. Not majorly tight. But tight enough that I knew I'd have to lose another 5 pounds to really be comfortable in it.

At first I put it back, thinking that it was a waste of money to buy things that are not the right size, and that I would come back when I'd lost some more weight. But I looked through the whole rack of suits, looking for another one in a bigger size, and it appeared that was the only one like it in the whole store. I was afraid that if I waited, someone else would buy it and I would lose out.

In the meantime, I saw this yellow suit that I loved. It was a light, pastel yellow jacket and a flowered skirt. I looked at the ticket, and it was a size 14.

I knew it wouldn't fit. It couldn't. It was smaller than the blue suit, and that was almost right.

But my eyes kept on going back to it.

Finally, I decided it wouldn't hurt to try it on, even though it couldn't possibly fit. So I took it into the dressing room, along with a size 16 black jacket/pants combo. My eyes looked over the return rack, and my blue suit was still there. So I decided to try it on again.

I tried on the yellow suit first. I put on the jacket, and it fit perfectly. When I went to put on the skirt, I realized the zipper was broken and could not be opened. I was about to put it back when, on impulse, I decided to see if I could pull the skirt on without opening the zipper.

It fit perfectly.

The size 16 black suit, on the other hand, was way too tight.

I still don't understand how I fit perfectly into something that's a size smaller than something too small for me, but I'm glad I tried it on even though it seemed pointless to do so. I decided to buy the blue suit as well. It should give me an incentive to keep losing weight.

Now it is about time for me to leave for my Toastmasters meeting. I'm looking forward to this, even though I'm tired from everything I did today. I might walk to campus, because I still don't know where I'm supposed to park (I don't have a parking permit). We'll see.

To be continued...

Strange day

Today was a strange day. I decided it would be my day "off" and slept in until 10:30.

All that accomplished was throwing off my entire day. I didn't eat breakfast until noon, which threw off my meal plan. I ate dinner at 6 and now I'm about to eat my planned lunch.

I spent half the day playing Sims 2 while feeling like I should be doing something productive, and constantly had to remind myself that I was "off".

I did send an e-mail to the Human Resources person in Lumberton, who told me last summer that I wasn't qualified to teach, to try to get another appointment, and I got some homework done. I also was able to write another two scenes and work on my list a little.

So I guess the day wasn't a total waste.

But I did feel majorly thrown off...

Moving forward

I just came from the SPED meeting. I now know what I have to do to get a teaching job. It's going to happen, just like the writing's going to happen. My life is going to come together. I hope you're watching from Heaven, Dave, because I'm going to be everything we both said I was going to be, and I want you to be proud of me.

It turns out that in order to get a SPED job I have to pass the PRAXIS II. In the meantime, however, I can finish my substitute application. According to one girl at the meeting, when she went in person to turn in her application, Human Resources told her they thoguht she should be a lateral entry teacher instead, and that was that.

In addition, I can teach even before getting 24 credits because I have a BA in psychology.

They recommend visiting Human Resources in person -- and dress professionally -- as opposed to calling them, in order to get the job process started.

In other news this morning, I walked to campus for the meeting. This time it was a LOT easier to walk there and back. I wasn't exhausted like I was last time. The walk there was quick and easy. I didn't even think about it.

On the way back, I started to get tired halfway up the hill, but it was nothing like before. I didn't need to stop at all. My legs started to ache and I started to sweat as I came up the crest of the hill. As I was beginning to tire, I could already see the bottom of the hill and the traffic light, and I knew I was almost there.

I think eating properly has made me more fit. I know my diet's working, too, because my pants were big this morning. I was a little embarrassed to be sitting there holding them up. I kept worrying that everyone was looking at me and thinking I didn't belong here.

Afterwards I stayed a minute to talk to someone I know online from my group project. I'd like to get to know her. I left in a hurry because I wanted to call my parents and get home. I hope she didn't think it was strange that I left so quickly.

But anyway, I'm moving forward... like I said last night, there will always be an empty space whenever I'm doing well, because I can't call Dave to tell him about it. I miss sharing everything with him.

But I'm honoring his memory by moving towards what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm still behind on a couple of things, but I feel motivated to get everything together. On M

Burning desires

Something happened to me last night. I was lying in bed, tyring to go to sleep early, as I had a headache, and not succeeding. I started reading a book about writing. Suddenly the desire to become a successful writer burned in me. I felt I wanted this more than anything.

I got up and worked on my list of potential magazines for my short story Disillusionment. The more I worked on it, the more I wanted this to succeed. I'm convinced that it will. Dave was going to read it the day before he died but his computer wasn't working. I think if I submit this story God will bless it. Dave will make sure of it.

This morning I worked on Chapter 3 of Elsie for a good hour before I ate breakfast, and spent the rest of the day working on my list. I'm up to the L's now. I was going to work for another hour but I got too squirmy so I called it a day, although I might go back to it later.

Unfortunately I mixed up my dates and missed an assignment for one of my classes. That's the first time that ever happened. I'll have to e-mail the teacher on how to proceed. I'm embarrassed, and I think being depressed over the last few days probably contributed to that mistake :(

But I'm not depressed now. I feel strongly that I'm going to make it.

I know that every time I succeed, it's going to be bittersweet because Dave isn't there to share my joy. But I also know that I WILL succeed.

More (mis)adventures in cooking, and some other stuff too

Chapter 2 of Elsie Worthing and the Hydra's Curse has now been published. Every time Mugglenet accepts a chapter, I feel more motivated to write the next one. I've already started Chapter 3, anyway, but it isn't going right... I finally feel like I want to fix it and know how.

Of course, the site seems to keep randomly putting extra spaces in between paragraphs. I'd read that this was an error in the site's coding, and so I was able to fix most of them. There's one or two left but I don't feel like going through the whole process again... it seems strange, anyway, that once your thing is published you can change it however you want without waiting for approval again. I mean, what if you changed it to some X-rated thing all of a sudden?

Anyway, that's not what I meant to write about.

I made macaroni and cheese for dinner, which was an adventure in bad timing. The recipe said to start cooking the sauce while the macaroni was cooking. I started while the water was boiling for the macaroni. It said to melt the margarine then mix in flour and a bunch of spices. I mixed in the flour while the margarine was melting instead of afterwards, which I think was my first mistake. Nothing seemed to be mixing.

In the meantime, it was time to put the macaroni in. When I measured out the amount I was going to cook, I spilled a bunch of it on the floor.

Now I had to mix milk into my sauce. There must have been a hole in the bottom of my measuring cup because as much milk dripped onto the stove as into the pot.

I had to stir the milk into the sauce constantly until it boiled. Unfortunately, I was also supposed to stir the macaroni frequently, and I only had one spoon. I had this idea I could use the wire whisk as a replacement spoon, but all that happened was steam went up into my hand and I had to stop stirring. Besides, macaroni shells were getting stuck in the whisk.

In the meantime, the sauce was getting thicker and thicker and thicker. It was starting to look like pancake batter and stick to the spoon. I couldn't tell if it was boiling or not... there were little bubbles in it but they went away every time I mixed it.

After another minute, I decided the sauce was boiling, after all. I took out the shredded cheese to put in it. It appeared that last time I used the package, I forgot to close it. The cheese was hard and stale. It wasn't moldy or anything. Just... stale. Hard to mix in. And, of course, when I poured it in, half of it went all over the stove. (Notice a pattern here??)

So now my sauce was ready. I just had to add the macaroni and chopped vegetables. The problem was, though, that the macaroni was not cooked yet. I stared at the timer, willing it to go faster. It wouldn't. The cheese was melted, the sauce was so thick I could barely stir it, and... the macaroni still had five minutes to go.

I stirred the vegetables into the sauce, thinking that would buy me a minute. Which it did.

Then my brain started working and I took the sauce off the stove until the macaroni was ready.

After I had drained the pasta and mixed it back into the sauce, I needed to measure out exactly 1/2 cup, since that was the portion size. I was almost afraid to do this... I was afraid the cheese would all stick to the measuring cup and make more of a mess.

It worked out fine, though, and I had it with a veggie burger. Yum!

I don't even want to think about how I'm going to wash my dishes though...

Missing Dave

On top of which I'm frustrated because I just wrote a long post about how sad I am and received an error message when I tried to post it!

Anyway, I miss Dave right now... a lot. Thursdays tend to be this way.

I couldn't sleep last night. I laid awake feeling anxious, worrying about whether I was breathing right. I opened the window to get some air and my glasses fell out. I had to go outside at 1 AM with a flashlight and find them.

I finally fell asleep around 3 AM. I dreamed Dave was angry at me for not talking to him enough. I was trying to give him space so he could visit Christina. I dream about him every night, or almost every night. Sometimes the dreams are good ones. Most of the times they're painful because in my dreams he's not really dead.

When I'm awake, I seem to worry about whether there's really an afterlife. I hope there is even though the logical part of me doesn't understand how it works and doubts it. I want to be with Dave for eternity someday. And I want him to see the glorious life I intend to make for myself, the life I wanted to share with him, and be proud of me.

I woke up tired and weary. I made myself get up at 9 AM because sleeping late makes me unproductive. Especially on Thursdays. I only allow myself to sleep in on Saturdays, which is my day "off" from trying to put my new life together.

I'm trying to apply for jobs... this one position I want requires drug testing (not good because the last time I smoked weed was only two weeks ago, after Dave's funeral) and does a background check. I still need to send out the letter about my stupid subway hopping ticket, which Dave blamed himself for and I blamed myself for. It's still in my glove box with his letter regarding the same thing.

I'm going to apply for substitute teaching as well. It would be nice to get some experience before I get a teaching job.

I feel so behind on everything in my life... and some days it is so hard to move forward... only my knowledge that Dave would have wanted me to and the fact that my life is a memorial to him and a testimony to my love for him keep me going.

This afternoon after I run some errands, I'm hoping to get more of my magazine list together and work on chapter 3 of my fanfiction. I'm impatient waiting to see if Chapter 2 will be accepted as well. I'm impatient to get my list together.

I'm impatient for my life to be together.

And I wish I could share it with Dave.

My Internet's working!

When I got home today, my answering machine was flashing. I thought this was impossible, as my land line had not been installed yet.

When I checked the message, it was an automated message from EMBARQ saying my phone service had been turned on.

YES!!!!

Dial-up sure is slow but it's better than having to wait in line at the library...

Of course, I only have one jack, and it's in the hall outside my computer room. So I have an extension cord going all the way across the hall. I guess I'll have to unplug the modem line when I'm not using it, or risk tripping over the cord on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

(Pictures coming as soon as I figure out how to use the self-timer on my camera.)

Productivity and obstacles

I am so frustrated! I spent all this time yesterday to burn a bunch of files to CD and make a label (my CD drive makes really nice light scribe labels but that's another story) and the library computers will not allow me to access the CD drive!

Oh well... that's what I get for being lazy. I was going to walk to the university again and decided I would drive to the library because it's easier. I guess later I'm going to be taking that walk after all. *grumbles*

Enough whining and complaining. This started out as a good day and it's going to stay that way.

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting yesterday. There's a lot more to Weight Watchers than I originally thought. I had resisted it for years because I thought all you do is count points. I got that idea from some snobby ladies in the cafeteria when I was working as a temp once. They used to sit at a big table and compare points, trying to outdo each other and prove that they were the superior dieter. I hated that so much that I swore I would never do Weight Watchers.

However, when I went to the DMV I noticed there was a Weight Watchers right next door, and since I am about 50 pounds overweight and since it *is* unhealthy to be almost 200 pounds, I decided to give it a try.

I had originally planned to go to meetings on Thursday nights because Dave passed away on a Thursday night and so Thursdays are always my hardest days. But for whatever reason when I sat down and actually made myself a promise, it turned out to be for yesterday, which was a Tuesday.

Anyway, I got there early because I still had to go to the DMV and get my license picture taken. I had already passed the test but their camera was broken last week. There was a long line at the DMV but since I was only getting a picture done, I was out of there pretty quickly. My license picture is embarrassing... I hadn't combed my hair and you can tell... but hey, now I'm a North Carolina licensed driver. Dave would be so proud of me for getting things done...

Back to the story.

After I had finished with my license, it was only 4:40. It said on the website to be at the meeting 1/2 hour early to sign in your first time. They weren't open yet and I was hungry... I debated getting Chinese food from across the street but I felt it was in bad form to eat fast food right before a Weight Watchers meeting and besides, there wasn't enough time.

It was raining a little and I sat down on the short brick wall outside of the meeting place. For a minute I thought maybe they wouldn't open at all and I would just have to go home having accomplished nothing. No such luck though ;) a blond lady opened the door from inside and said, "We're not quite ready yet," a minute later. I watched her go to her car, carrying bags of food. She happened to be parked right next to me.

Five minutes later I came in for the first time and got signed up. They weighed me. I was disappointed to find I was 194 pounds because I thought I had lost more than that on my own. (Of course I'm having my period so that adds a few pounds, but still...)

The meeting, however, was really interesting. The group leader, Debbie, talked for about half an hour about how sticking to the plan was like getting ready for another school year. Then she went around the room and asked who was "celebrating". Anyone who had lost a pound or more shared how much they lost, everyone clapped, and they got a gold star.

That was the whole meeting, then there was a orientation for newbies. First I had to sit and wait for a long time because this stupid lady wanted to go on and on complaining that she didn't know that the monthly payment option would automatically renew on her credit card. She canceled the service and wanted to go onto a weekly payment plan but she kept saying that no one is informed that the monthly charge is recurring, and Debbie kept telling her that she apologizes for this but she always tells everyone of that fact when they sign up. They went in circles for about fifteen minutes before the lady finally realized she had to call the 800 number and went away.

Anyway, at the orientation I learned what the Weight Watchers plan is actually about. I don't want to bore everyone with details... but there's a lot more to it than just counting points. You're supposed to eat 5 servings of fruits/vegetables per day, 2 servings of milk, at least 2 servings of protein, and at least 1 serving of grain. Plus eat only a certain number of points per day, depending upon your current weight. You're also supposed to set a goal for yourself--not your ultimate weight goal, but your first weight goal.

I get 24 points per day, plus 35 extra points for the week in case I go over. My first weight goal is to los 20 pounds, because then I'll drop down a point level (have to eat less points). It also happens to be about 10% of my body weight, at which point you get a keychain (kind of like getting a chip in OverEaters Anonyomous)

When I went home, I planned out my meals for today and found this diet was a lot HARDER to follow than I thought it would be. When I planned out meals so that I would have exactly 24 points, I had too many milks. When I fixed that, I had too many points... it must have taken me an hour to figure out what I would eat today.

I got inspired, though... as long as I was planning everything, I sat down and made an entire schedule for today. I've never done that, ever. Dave taught me to always write down what I need to do, but this is the first time I put myself on a time schedule. We'll see how it works.

This morning I ate my first dietetic meal: one piece of stuffed French toast, 1 1/2 cups of strawberries, and a cup of milk. That was a LOT of strawberries... I got full before I was quite finished, but I figured that eating when you're already full defeats the purpose and I'd eaten most of it, so...

In other news, I started making a list of places to submit my short story, Disillusionment. Dave had told me the day before he died that he had tried to read it but his computer wasn't working. He planned on reading it as soon as he moved out here. I think that's a sign, somehow. If I try to publish it I think he'll make sure it has God's blessing. Anyway, so far I'm only through the B's and I already have 25 possible listings. I want to have 25 submissions packets ready to go to the post office on Friday, although first I need to get all the way through making my list.

Chapter 2 of Elsie Worthing and the Hydra's Curse is ready to be submitted as soon as I can find a computer that allows me to use the CD drive (or my Internet starts working).

So it appears I have been busy...

So many things

I have so much to say and not enough time to say it in, unfortunately. My Internet is still not working at home, which means that I have to rely on public computers...

The local library allows you one hour of access per day. It's a very efficient system. You sign in with your library card at one computer and then wait for your card number to be highlighted on a screen next to it. Usually this happens so quickly I don't realize it at first. I'm standing there staring at the screen and all of a sudden my number is highlighted.

Anyway, an hour is not a lot of time and I have so much to catch up on... e-mails from family and friends, schoolwork, web surfing.

So let me try to approach all my news in backwards order.

First of all, technically I'm a published author now!!! No, not for anything "real". I started writing a Harry Potter fanfiction last week. It started as an exercise to help me deal with my grief over Dave... the first chapter flowed out of me within a day, and I submitted it to fanfiction.mugglenet.com, a fairly high-standard fanfiction site. From what I understand, they accept about 35% of submitted work. Anyway, they accepted mine!

Check it out at http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/viewstory.php?sid=57042

If my home access ever comes back up (something which I am starting to despair of), I can submit Chapter 2, which I finished yesterday. I'm thinking of buying some blank CD's so I can transfer files from my laptop in order to e-mail them... this is getting very irritating.

In the meantime I'm so afraid I'm going to fall behind on my classes. I'm not, really, but the lack of Internet access is interfering with me doing my best work. I'm doing the best I can to keep up with this group assignment... I hope I don't mess it up.

Later today I'm going to walk over to Fayetteville State University and use the computers there. I should have more time then. I'm sure they don't restrict you to 60 minutes like they do here. I just feel this is so ridiculous when I have my own computer... I'm frustrated and irritated.

I did this walk once before, on Sunday. It's actually a long walk, and if it's too hot I'll drive. I thought I'd walk because I don't have a parking permit, although I finally found the Visitor's Parking, so maybe that's not so much of a problem. Walking is good exercise, too.

On Sunday it was very hot. I began to doubt the advisability of this walk as I rounded the corner, but I'm the stubborn type (Dave never failed to remind me of this). So I decided to go for it. I ignored the pedestrian crossing, thinking it was safer to cross Ramsey at the light. The light, however, apparently stays green for about two seconds; it was already changing as I stepped into the street. I waited another cycle, then I sprinted across before the light had a chance to change on me.

The first part of the walk down Langdon was downhill and easy. Then I had to walk up a large hill. There was a river running on the side of the hill. I tlooked muddy and polluted, but it was a river nonetheless. I thought for a brief second about how much Dave would have loved to hear about this, then I made myself walk on.

Just as I was running out of breath, I saw the signs for Fayetteville State up ahead. I pushed myself forward, but I was tired. I had to relax underneath a tree for a while before moving onto the library, which it turned out, was closed until 2 PM. When it finally opened, it turned out you couldn't use a computer without picture ID, which I hadn't brought because I was walking.

So much for that. At least I got some exercise.

Today, of course, I know better, and I'll have my ID as well as a bottle of water. I was so thirsty after my walk back... and of course I hadn't made it to the supermarket yet so the only hting I had in the house was lemon juice. I tried to make lemonade by mixing it with water and sugar... it was still sour but I drank eagerly.

So much more to say but I am running out of breath typing all this... it's impossible to fit an entire weekend into one post, and trying to do so just isn't doing me any good. Suffice it to say that life has been interesting recently...