Back to church, part II

I went to church this morning. It was a weird experience. First of all, this was a far more traditional service than I'm used to. I really liked Pastor Richard's way of doing things, although it is forever associated with Dave in my mind so perhaps it was time for me to do something new...

It was also a REALLY long service. I mean REALLY long. I hadn't eaten breakfast, assuming that the service would be short like Richard's services always were. But this service took FOUR HOURS.

The first part was really neat. We read various passages from the Bible and the pastor commented on each passage. He talked about obediance to God--about putting God first. He talked about how people have to go through the "wilderness" just as the Jews did upon being freed from slavery, where you don't understand anything and everything's scary and you need to cing to God but you feel like turning away from Him. That described so perfectly the conlficting feelings I've been having about God since losing Dave, the feelings I've been ashamed of and afraid of. I couldn't even tell Richard at the funeral when he asked me what the hardest thing was.

Because of that sermon I felt renewed. It was as if God had brought me here to here the words I need to hear, as He had so often done in the past.

After that, they had groups of kids come up and summarize what they learned in Sunday school. I felt kind of bad for the kids, because they seemed so shy and afraid... I didn't like that they were forced to speak when they didn't want to, and I wondered how well they had understood their lessons. I wondered if they were just repeating words without understanding the meanings, as I had been forced to do when I was little, reciting Hebrew words without knowing the language and feeling as if I were lying.

If it had ended there, that would have been enough for me.

But there was a second part of the service... people were supposed to come up to get rededicated to God, though I didn't. Then there was a lot of music that I didn't really listen to. The durmmer was hitting the drums too hard and I thought about how Dave wouldn't have done that. Suddenly I longed to play the drums. He had been teaching me and I don't want to lose this gift more precious than all the things he couldn't leave me. I had planned to buy a drum set when I could afford it, but had forgotten in the busyness of my life, the self-imposed busyness to keep me from thinking sad thoughts and the long list of things I needed to do, anyway, to move forward with my life.

I also thought about my ice breaker speech, which I still haven't fully written. I thought about the things I wanted to say, and how instead of preparing properly I was leaving everything until the last minute.

And of course I thought about Dave and how I wished he was here so I could tell him about this church.

Finally, after the music and the tithes and the offering (which was really neat, in a way... everyone who wanted to got in line and moved forward to the box to make their contribution, while music played in the background to bring them forward. I liked it but I didn't, because I believe that your offerings should be completely anonymous, to remove the possibility that you are doing it to show how good you are rather than out of genuine love for God) there was another sermon. I liked parts of it... we talked a bit about the prodigal son and about putting God first. The preacher was a bit too harsh for me, on the point of "you have to have everything perfect with God or you're going to Hell", which I don't quite believe. But all in all, it was enjoyable and helpful.

However, I was starving by this point. I wish I'd known that it would be 2 PM before I got home (I left at 9 AM). I would have eaten something. It didn't seem right to be thinking about food when I was supposed to be concentrating on God...

I have much to say but I am too tired and this post is rambling enough as it is.