Update on me

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in this blog! I wish I could say that I've been incredibly busy. That was true on Monday, I guess, because I went clothing shoppinga nd ran a bunch of errands. I can't remember what I did Tuesday, other than go to a Weight Watchers meeting and make pot stickers again. I must have done something because I remember being really busy, but I can't remember what... Filled out applications, I think, while I waited for my transcripts to come.

Yesterday was a weird day. I got almost nothing done. I wrote three paragraphs that I hated and played Sims 2.

Today is the first Thursday since Dave passed away that I'm not totally depressed. I woke up with a first scene for Chapter 4 of Elsie Worthing in my head. (Chapter 3 is now up, by the way, and so far it's my favourite of what I've written.) I wrote all morning. I have the beginning of the idea for scene 2, but it's not quite born yet.

Tonight I'm making checkien with apples and cider for dinner. It's funny how I can get so excited about a little tiny thing. That was one of the things Dave always loved about me. I'd forgotten I could be like that.

I'm really sorry that our years together were marked with so much stress. I think we loved each other for who we really were, stress aside, for the people we had once been and lost in the craziness of our lives in LA. I wish we could have had more happy times. I wish Dave could have come here and reclaimed himself like I'm doing for myself.

I'm listening to the new Jewel CD right now. I bought it last week but I didn't want to listen to it because Dave and I listened to Jewel together all the time. Today I decided that I can't keep cutting everything out of my life that I shared with him because there will be nothing left. There's this beautiful, sad song I'm listening to right now called Goodbye Alice in Wonderland, in which the narrator looks back at her life, realizing she's not a child anymore and remembering her pain, and realizing she has to let go of "pretending"--of childhood magical thinking that everything is possible...

I do wish Dave was here to listen to this CD with me... he would have loved it too...

Anyway after this I'm going to wrok on my speech for Toastmasters. I'm presenting an icebreaker speech next week. I'm supposed to talk about who I am. I can't really do that without talking about Dave... even though we weren't legally married, we were spiritually, I think, and who he was is a big part of who I am. I don't want to talk about him too much in this first speech. I don't want my sadness to overshadow who I really am to these people I've never met before.

It should be an interesting speech, in any case. i'm looking forward to it.

I saw an ad for "Biblio speed dating" at the library. Not the local library, a different one which is probably miles away. Each person brings their favorite book to discuss with the date they are paired with. i feel crazy for thinking this, but I might want to sign up. I don't really want to date right now because it's too soon after losing Dave, but I just... I want to meet people... I don't want to pine away...

If I went I would probably bring Anthem. I remember one of the first things Dave and I talked about were how much I loved that book. It's been my favourite for about five years now, even though I've outgrown some of the ideas in it. Of course, you never outgrow rooting yourself in reality but... I do believe in God now... kind of. I believed in Him wholeheartedly before. I'm having trouble reconciling losing Dave with the loving God I believe in. And yet... and yet... I know there's a God out there, and I know the things Dave taught me about God were true and I hope someday I'll be with Dave in God's palace for eternity.

Maybe I wouldn't bring Anthem. Maybe I'd bring Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. That's truly my favourite Harry Potter book, and it's about some of the same things: truth and lies and the abuse of power the importance of sticking to what you know despite the world trying to deny it. Elsie Worthing is as much a tribute to OOTP as it is to my memories of Dave. It takes place during the same time period, with the same teachers and the same political background, although of course an 11-year-old is more self-centered and less likely to understand, or care, what's going on in the world around her than a 15-year-old.

Anyway I only have an hour before I want to start dinner and I want to get to that speech so I think I'll stop writing this for now. I meant this to be a quick update, but somehow when I don't write for a few days I end up storing up so much emotion that it all spills over when I do get a chance to write.