Missing Dave

On top of which I'm frustrated because I just wrote a long post about how sad I am and received an error message when I tried to post it!

Anyway, I miss Dave right now... a lot. Thursdays tend to be this way.

I couldn't sleep last night. I laid awake feeling anxious, worrying about whether I was breathing right. I opened the window to get some air and my glasses fell out. I had to go outside at 1 AM with a flashlight and find them.

I finally fell asleep around 3 AM. I dreamed Dave was angry at me for not talking to him enough. I was trying to give him space so he could visit Christina. I dream about him every night, or almost every night. Sometimes the dreams are good ones. Most of the times they're painful because in my dreams he's not really dead.

When I'm awake, I seem to worry about whether there's really an afterlife. I hope there is even though the logical part of me doesn't understand how it works and doubts it. I want to be with Dave for eternity someday. And I want him to see the glorious life I intend to make for myself, the life I wanted to share with him, and be proud of me.

I woke up tired and weary. I made myself get up at 9 AM because sleeping late makes me unproductive. Especially on Thursdays. I only allow myself to sleep in on Saturdays, which is my day "off" from trying to put my new life together.

I'm trying to apply for jobs... this one position I want requires drug testing (not good because the last time I smoked weed was only two weeks ago, after Dave's funeral) and does a background check. I still need to send out the letter about my stupid subway hopping ticket, which Dave blamed himself for and I blamed myself for. It's still in my glove box with his letter regarding the same thing.

I'm going to apply for substitute teaching as well. It would be nice to get some experience before I get a teaching job.

I feel so behind on everything in my life... and some days it is so hard to move forward... only my knowledge that Dave would have wanted me to and the fact that my life is a memorial to him and a testimony to my love for him keep me going.

This afternoon after I run some errands, I'm hoping to get more of my magazine list together and work on chapter 3 of my fanfiction. I'm impatient waiting to see if Chapter 2 will be accepted as well. I'm impatient to get my list together.

I'm impatient for my life to be together.

And I wish I could share it with Dave.