Dreams

I have to go get my tires checked before heading out to Raleigh to meet a friend at the movies, but I wanted to write down a couple of strange dreams I had last night.

First, I was at my drum lesson and I couldn't keep proper time because the metronome was going faster and faster. It wasn't an electronic metronome; it was one of those old-fashioned upright ones where you have to release the lever to go back and forth. Anyway, after several tries, I realised it was the metronome, not me, and told my drum teacher. He said, "You're right. I guess I'll have to throw that one away."

The scene then changed to the school I work at. This TA asked me to put away some paper clips on her desk and I realised I'd never seen her desk before except briefly when we were setting something else up there. The bell rang 30 minutes early and the kids thought it was time to leave and I couldn't convince them otherwise.

So I left and my tires felt funny so I pulled in somewhere. My friend David (not Dave, this is a friend from temple) was there too. I asked him if he knew how to change a tire and he said he did but we couldn't find my spare tire in my trunk. He had some people with him who kept rushing him but he jumped into my car and started driving. I thought at least he has a license, not like the other Dave. He went through a red light by accident and sure enough we got pulled over. We pulled off the freeway and the cop went the other way so we pulled back on and he was still there so we got off again and waited but the cop was coaching sports right in front of us. David was freaking out, he kept saying, "I don't know what to do." I told him to start by getting the insurance card out and hoped he could find it. I was worried about whether it was illegal to drive with tires this bad.

Then I woke from that dream. I went back to sleep.

I dreamed I was looking out the door and a post office worker (who I realised when I woke up was the school custodian where I work) came up with a box for me. She said, "Well, this is the only house on this block so this must be yours." She had a teenage girl with her.

I went to get the package but Ernie ran out of the house. I called, "Ernie, no!" and went to get him. The girl kept saying, "Oh, he's a cat, let him go. I have two cats and they go outside." and the post office worker said, "You should have known better than to have an open door around him." I picked him up and put him back in but he kept running back out.

Then I was at my mom's house trying to tell her about this dream but I remembered the girl having a German accent and I lost my voice trying to imitate it. I was watching Scrubs and the Monty Python theme music came on, which made me happy, and then there was some sort of Monty Python-like fantasy where JD was playing the drums and I wondered if Zach Braff can really play but unfortunately I could tell it was fake.

The scene changed again and I was back at my mom's house. I had plans with my friend Linda for the day. My grandma was over for some reason and she told me to put on a sweater when I was wearing one and put on jeans when I was wearing jeans. My uncle appeared out of nowhere and said, "panic," and I was pissed that he thought I was pissed, and told myself, "Breathe. We talked about this, remember?"and visualised a video game screen. Then Grandma said she wanted breakfast and my mom reminded me she was here because we were all going to the festival of honey. I tried to remind her of the Scrubs episode where this happened to Turk but I got two episodes mixed up. In any case, I walked into the kitchen really angry because I had to flake on Linda the same way she always flakes on me. I was just taking out a square glass dish when I woke up.

OK, I am off, I guess, now that my subconscious has been emptied of weird dreams. :) I will write a real post soon, and in the meantime don't forget another podcast is coming this week-end at heroicmuse.wordpress.com

Where am I going?

As I look out into the night,
and see the stars are shining bright,
I wonder where I am
and where I'm going.
-Kansas

I'm wondering that myself. I can't seem to figure anything out about my life. Work... school... relationship... everything is just up in the air.

For the last two years I've been convinced that I was meant to be a teacher. After four months of teaching, I'm not at all sure anymore. Some days I still love teaching and other days I just wonder why I'm in this career at all.

The past few months have been filled with getting up at 5 AM to commute an hour to school, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing there, dealing with 4 disabled kids who half the time don't listen to me, endless paperwork, missed deadlines, difficulty staying organised and on top of everything... not to mention the rest of my life suffering because I have no fricking time for anything.

It's gotten worse since I've decided to publish my novel because I'm spreading myself even thinner... trying to work on a second career while dealing with the way out of balance first career. I am having a housewarming party next week but my house is becoming a disaster area. I don't have time to clean or do laundry or the things normal people do because my whole life is driving back and forth all over the state of North Carolina in an attempt to live my life. My job is in Elizabethtown (an hour away) and my social life and temple are in Cary (an hour in the other direction). It seems like there's never a minute I can just sit and relax because there's always something I haven't done yet.

In the meantime, though, all my friends gravitate towards me when they have a problem. I've been thinking about changing careers and becoming a counselor. Specifically, I'd like to help people who are struggling with alcohol. Dave died more from alcohol than from crack and I feel passionately about doing something about alcoholism. And several of my friends have turned to me when they have wanted to drink and were trying not to.

I don't know, though. I don't want to quit teaching right when I'm about to finish the coursework, and I don't want to go back to school for ANOTHER three years to work towards ANOTHER career that I may discover I don't like as much as I thought I would. I'm almost 30, for G-d's sake. I need to choose something and settle down. Besides, what I really, really, re-heally want is to be a writer, which is why I'm trying to self-publish and promote my novel. So what am I doing changing careers to something else that won't get me closer to that goal?

What doe G-d want me to do? What am I supposed to do? When I prayed and opened my bible, I got "Seek ye first the kingdom of G-d and all else shall follow." :P Yeah, I know. Pray. That's why I AM praying. I would like a straightforward answer to at least one aspect of my life...

Which brings me to the other Big Issue of my life, which is relationships. I probably shouldn't even be thinking about beginning a relationship now, with my whole life entirely out of balance and everything so uncertain as to what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a deep desire to find the person I'm going to marry, though, almost as deep as my desire to be a writer.

Every time I meet someone who I think might be that person, something gets in the way. They move away or they already have a girlfriend or they don't want to get involved with anyone for some reason. Maybe it's because the time isn't right. I'm impatient, though. I'm tired of feeling like JD in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng61VVx4eLk

Anyway getting upset about it won't help anything. I know that the only way for things to change in my life is for me to change them. I just don't know where to begin.

I am doing a drum solo in June so I guess I'll get off this and go practice for a little while and hope G-d reveals something to me.

It's been a while

I haven't posted anything to this blog in quite a while. Since Dave's last birthday, to be exact.

I've been pretty busy with teaching and all, and I thought I was moving on from the world of blogger. But I'm back now because I miss having a core audience when I blog; my other blogs just don't seem to have that, yet.

So much has happened that I don't even know where to begin, and I don't have much time at the moment. I'm about to leave for a Chanukah party via my temple, which has become my social life. Some time I'll tell you all about my new friends, my non-existent love life, and my plans for the future.

For now, though, let me just say that next June is going to be a powerful month. I'm putting out my first novel, Winter's Silence; I'm playing my first-ever drum solo, and I'll have been a member of my temple for a year. (There was something else but I can't remember it).

I'll be back later tonight or tomorrow to write a real blog. In the meantime, check out my website at www.stephaniesilberstein.com and my podcast at heroicmuse.wordpress.com to see what I've been up to, writing wise.

Happy Chanukah to those of you who celebrate it.

Stephanie

Milestones

Today would have been Dave's 45th birthday. I've dreaded this day for a long time, because it's the first of his birthdays I'm celebrating without him.

But today has been one of the best days of my entire life. I feel blessed today, and I hope it isn't too blasphemous for me to suggest that he's up there in Heaven asking God to bless me as his birthday present...

Yeah, I know the universe, natural or otherwise, doesn't really revolve around me. But as Dave used to say, "For me it does."

Anyway, yesterday I found out that I was confirmed by the school board (no surprise there, but it's nice to know). They're drawing up the contract and will call me to make an appointment to sign it once it's ready.

Also yesterday I won a free game on the pinball machine at the roller rink.

But all that was yesterday. I want to talk about today.

This morning I actually beat my alarm by 3 minutes. I haven't gotten up when I'm supposed to since Kinko's days. I figured the reason I was able to in those days is because Dave would get up with me and we would share those precious few minutes before I had to rush off to work. But today--I got up.

When I checked my e-mail I found out that they're now offering half-scholarships for a week-long writing residency program I wanted to attend and couldn't afford. I got the scholarship. I'll be going the week before my birthday, and from there to NY to spend my birthday week with my family. When I come back it'll be time to get ready for the new school year...

Tonight I'm doing a Scrubs trivia contest on-line and then going to my writers' group.

Oh, and I did e-mail that publisher and he e-mailed me back to say that he would be getting back to me soon on my submission.

Life is good. I do wish it had been part of God's plan for Dave to be here to share these blessings with me. Dave told me once that the people who have passed on can see you and be proud of you from Heaven. I hope he was right.

Happy 45th, Dave, wherever Heaven is.

Best. Weekend. Ever

So I got off work early on Friday. I went straight to the car dealership to get my oil change and servicing done before heading to Greensboro for my first-ever writer's conference. They had told me over the phone it would take two hours but when I got there they said it would only take an hour.

Anyway, while I was waiting for my car to be done I decided to go across the street and get something to eat. There's a Japanese place, and Indian place, and a German place there. However, i twas 2:30 and both the Japanese place and Indian place were closed I was literally starving by this point--I had not gotten a lunch break because I was leaving early.

Anyway, this is the mundane and boring part (although I did get to have a bratwurst sandwich and breaded cauliflower--I've never had German food before). Let's fast forward to the real start of the week-end, shall we?

The trip took about two hours... there was no traffic and it was mainly highway driving. I was starting to get sleepy towards the end but I looked at my odometer and realized I only had about 13 miles to go so I opened the window to get some fresh air and pushed ahead.

My hotel was gorgeous. Actually, it wasn't a hotel--it was a bed and breakfast place. It had originally belonged to a family that came over from England before America was America (I think. There was a long history of the place in a guide in the room, but I was too tired to read it all the way through) The house was passed down through the generations, yada yada yada... the point is that the current owners moved next door and use it as a bed-and-breakfast place. The room I had was huge. There was a king sized bed, a TV with cable (and a DVD player! I hadn't expected that or i would have brought my Scrubs DVD's.), two huge chairs, and a gigantic hot tub. My first thought upon seeing it was if I ever do want to go on a romantic get-away with someone, this is totally the place to go...) There was a coffeemaker with about 20 different types of coffee and a big cookie jar for all the guests right outside my room. I went to get a cookie about 10:30 and got stuck showing the guy rooming across the hall how to use the coffeemaker.

Anyway, by that point it was 7:30 and I was totally beat. I turned on the TV and found I had got there just in time for Scrubs on Comedy Central. I spent the evening relaxing and flipping through the guide of things to do in Greensboro. There were a bunch of menus in the guide. One menu mentioned having appletinis, but there was no name or phone number on the menu so I couldn't figure out who or where they were. I was too tired to go out, anyway... I stayed in and had some cookies and pretzels for dinner. (So much for the 6 lbs I've lost over the last two weeks)

Saturday was the Big Event--the writer's conference at UNC Greensboro, which was about four blocks away. If I hadn't decided to dress up for the conference I probably could have walked.

The bed-and-breakfast served breakfast at 9 AM but unfortunately I had to be at the conference by 8. Not knowing how close UNCG was, nor where there was a place to eat, I did something I never do: I didn't eat anything at all. That was bad. For one thing, I think I have some type of hypoglycemia or something. I've never been diagnosed with anything, but when I haven't eaten for a while I get very lightheaded and can't concentrate on anything. This was aggravated by the fact that the cafeteria in Elliot Hall, where the conference was held (that name was easy for me to remember, for obvious reasons), didn't open until lunch time. I was fine for the first part of the morning, but at about 11 the keynote speaker gave his address. I understand it was fabulous but I was unable to focus for long enough to have any idea what he said.

Anyway, the first part of the morning was a writing workshop... actually I registered for the all-day workshop but it was broken up by the keynote address followed by lunch. I can't say I really learned anything terribly new--the lecturer talked about techniques of point of view and of dialogue, then had us do short exercises for each--but I did get inspired enough to start working on my new novel during lunch. It was funny, too, because when talking about POV she said, "For example, you probably don't want to use first-person narration if your main character is a six-year-old child." It so happens that my first novel, which I'm about to start marketing, is a first-person narration by a six-year-old child... the lecturer did say that she doesn't want to say that it could never be done because she's sure there's someone in the world who's done it well, so I'm still OK, I think. (My writing mentor suggested I should e-mail her to let her know that I've written such a novel, but we'll see... anyway I'm getting ahead of myself.)

So after the first section of the writing course, and the keynote speaker, it was finally lunch time. The cafeteria had a choice of Quizno's Subs, Pizza Hut, a Japanese place that was closed, or Burger King. I was considering BK but they didn't have any veggie burgers already made, which is what i always eat at Burger King, so I grabbed a pan pizza from Pizza Hut instead. Everyone else tended to sit with people they didn't know and do some networking--I should have too but I needed to recharge and I had some ideas going through my head that I wanted to write down, so I didn't.

After I finished lunch I had plenty of time to walk around. I was going to go to the bathroom and stop by the publishers' tables, then go back to my table to do some writing, but the second I got up three women descended on the table and said, "Oh sorry to take your table" but didn't move when they saw I had left my bottle of water there. I was more concerned with, uh, other things right then so I didn't pursue the matter.

Most of the publishers' tables were disappointing because they were irrelevant to the type of literature I write. They only published African Diaspora stories or some such thing. But the very last table was the one I most wanted to check out. It was a small publisher that publishes about 8 literary fiction novels per year. I waited around for a bit to talk to the senior editor. I told him a little bit about my first novel. He said he was interested!!! He usually only reads new manuscripts from March to April, but he said to send him an e-mail reminding him of our conversation and if he can, he'll make time to look at it earlier. He also told me that because they're a small press, they often don't have enough funding to publish things they would love to publish, but if all else is equal he'll take a submission that includes the author's plan to promote the work over one that does not every time. A lot of first time authors don't realise that once the book is published they have to work hard at promoting it so that it will sell, rather than going right to work on their next project, and he doesn't want to spend money producing a novel that no-one is going to buy because they don't know about it. I told him a little about my website and he was impressed with that as well.

I looked at his website and it said to send a query letter by e-mail with the first three chapters. I asked on the snopes forum, since there are some professional writers there, and one of them told me what to put in my letter and suggested I read up on methods of promotion first so that I'll sound professional. Obviously I want to do this ASAP so the guy doesn't forget me, but I also think that's sound advice.

Anyway, that conversation made my day. I feel like my chances of actually being published are good. Between that and my teaching job, my life is falling into place.

I've always said that if I have to choose between writing and teaching, I'll choose writing every time. I just may have to do that, because if this company does pick up my novel I think it would be a good idea for me to do a book tour. I find myself feeling sad about possibly having to give up my teaching job a couple of years down the road, though. I'm just not worrying about it yet because I haven't been published and even if I do land the contract it'll take a year or two for the book to be produced.

Back to the story. I was flying pretty high after my conversation with the publisher. I bought a copy of the book the workshop leader had written so that she could sign it--I figured later on, when I've read it, I could write her about it, which would be a way to cultivate her as a contact. I liked what she had to say even if I wasn't really learning anything new, and she's been published by the same company I talked to (plus she writes the same kind of stories), so she'd be a good contact to have. I had a little time to work on my own writing before the afternoon session began.

The afternoon session was a bit better than the morning. We concentrated on scenes and setting. The exercises she gave us seemed to go along with the new novel I'm trying to start, so I used those characters when writing them. I got to read one of them aloud and she liked it.

After the workshop was over, the faculty members all read aloud from their own work. I almost ducked out and went back to my hotel, since I was tired, but I thought I might as well stay for the whole thing. It was only an hour anyway, and most of the readings were good, although this one poet kept telling us to be patient because she couldn't find a couple of the poems she was reading next.

After the conference I was hungry. Someone at the bed-and-breakfast told me about a really nice restaurant/bar where they brewed the beer right there, but since it wasn't in walking distance and as usual I had no-one to drive me, I decided not to go there. Instead, since I was dressed up for the conference, I went to an "upscale" restaurant across the street from there. And it was upscale--the lowest price was $17, the waiters wore suits, and there were about 3 people there. Again I felt like I should have had a boyfriend to go with--it was a nice place for a date if you have money. I decided to eat there anyway because I wanted to celebrate having attended my first conference and made a publishing contact.

That was about it for Saturday... I went back to my room, watched TV, and went to bed. This morning I had breakfast at the bed and breakfast. They made a huge breakfast that I'm sure sent my previously normal cholesterol level through the roof: a Scotch egg, a side of cheese grits, and homemade pumpernickel bread. The guy sitting next to me was very happy because he saw someone eating Scotch eggs on the British version of The Office and has wanted to try them ever since. After breakfast I called my writing mentor. He wrote me a reference letter to go with my submission of my novel, although I don't think I need it for this particular publishing house. I will use it if I submit to other houses, though.

After that I left and... here I am!

This is the world's longest blog so kudos to anyone who made it all the way through In case you got tired and skipped to the end, here's the summary version:

* Friday night - watched Scrubs and ate cookies

* Saturday - went to an awesome writing conference and made a contact in the publishing industry.

* Today - talked to my writing mentor and went home.

NEWS FLASH: Heroic Muse becomes a teacher

..pending board approval on June 4th.

I will be working in a small, rural school with about 5-6 special needs students in grades 1-5.

I'm so excited I can't think...

New chapters

Well, I have a second interview for a teachng position this afternoon. And I'm going to get the job.

I know... because Dave came to visit me in my dreams last night. It was part of a strange mixed-up dream that I believe was meant to tell me I'm getting this job.

At first I dreamed I was leaving for work and I was really upset for some reason, like crazily upset the way I got sometimes when I was stressed out. And Gideon from Criminal Mindswas trying to work with me to help me calm down.

I was late for work and for some reason I had to walk through the mall to get there. I wanted to stop and look at the earrings but I didn't have time.

And then I found myself in this back room, kind of like the board room in The Apprentice or the meeting room in the library. Dave was there. So was some really fat guy who I didn't recognize but who I somehow knew was Fraiser Crane.

Anyay, the Fraiser dude didn't like Dave for some reason. I looked at Dave and said, "We mess with people who don't like us. Remember what we used to do to Joel?" We were laughing...

I looked at my cell phone and realized I had one minute to get to work, but Dave convinced me to stay a little longer. So we talked a little more. Then I, sadly, had to get going. Dave said, "I do too. I have to get home. I've been down here a long time," and I knew he meant he was going back to heaven.

So I hugged him and I was packing up I told him I loved him. He didn't answer so I said it again and he said he loved me too.

He had a textbook that he said wasn't his. Then there was a flash of light and he was gone, and instead there was a disabled guy in a wheelchair whom I gave the book to.

I woke up feeling so happy and peaceful. I am sure that was a spiritual visit and not just a dream.

In other news, I've been working on my plot outline for my novel. I've never done this before, except for a class once which I hated. I actually don't like planning--I like actually writing and seeing where I end up. The problem is that this story is way too complicated for that. I'd get stuck and never finish it.

I'm stuck as it is, although I expect that to change. I have very little to do this morning at work so I'm going to try to work on it. I came to a pivotal point yesterday and then got stuck. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but basically my two characters just decided to be "friends who kiss sometimes", which is less than my protagonist wants but she's willing to accept. It was kind of a climatic moment and I haven't quite worked out where to go from here.

Last night I went to my writers' group. It was an interesting experience. I'm making friends in the group but ironically I still don't know anyone's name. They all introduced themselves the first time I went, but their names all start with M and end with A and I can't keep them straight. I talked to this girl for an hour straight. We had a lot in common. But I have no idea what her name is.

After this week I'm going to try to move my drum lesson to 6 PM so I can go to a Harry Potter book club that one of the girls from my writing group is in at 7.

Tonight's the Scrubs season finale. 18 episodes to go after this til the end of the series. I can't wait to see tonight's double header, even though last week's episode made me seriously upset. Not because it wasn't awesome--it was. But basically JD's ex-girlfriend did some very Katie-like things which got me upset. The Scrubs forum is evenly divided between people who agree with me that Kim (JD's ex-girlfriend) is a manipulative bitch and people who think "all characters are human, give her a break", so I've been discussing it all week. I'm better now though :D

And on that note it's time to start looking at my novel plans.

Writing the truth

I started working for real on my new novel, Chasing Ghosts.

When I had worked on it before, I felt as if something was missing. I realized the other day it was because I wasn't quite telling the truth.

You see, I don't want to just tell the story of a young woman trying to live in the past, as I originally thought. The truth goes far deeper than that. I want to tell the truth about me and Dave and how much I loved him, and how heartbroken I am still to have lost him.

I want to tell the truth of what its like to live with an alcoholic and to know that who he's being is not who he really is and to hang on despite the world thinking you're crazy because you love him. And of a world that puts people into categories, where all people who have addiction problems are Purely Evil and all people who are studying to get masters' degrees are Purely Good, and to whom it doesn't make any sense that a Purely Good Person and a Purely Evil Person could love each other.

I'm not writing an autobiography--I'm writing fiction. I'm writing about a fictional woman with a fictional child and a fictional alcoholic dead husband. A woman who secretly hopes she's pregnant two months after her husband's death because she wants a little part of him to be growing inside her. A woman who tells people the half truth that her husband died in a car accident, leaving out the fact that he was drunk and was lucky to have only taken himself out, so that they won't judge him-or her.

This is not my story. And yet it is my story.

I knew I was writing this story to honor Dave's memory. And there's no way I can do that without telling my truth about him. He always wanted me to write about him. It's cruelly ironic that the only way I'm able to do that is for him to die.

I have a lot of work to do before I'm even able to begin writing. This is the most complicated story I have ever written. It's three stories in one--a story of a woman's love affair with her husband, destroyed by alcohol and pain; the story of a woman trying to go on without him and yet retreating further into the past; and the story of her daughter, fifteen years later, trying to make a life for herself in the same city her mother fled following her father's death.

It spans 1985-2007, a 22 year period. Within it are many other stories I haven't even mentioned.

I will push forward and tell my deepest truth.

Better days ahead :)

I really should be sleeping already, seeing as tomorrow I have to get up at 5:30 AM. I wanted to let everyone know I'm in a much better mood than yesterday.

Maybe it's cause I was focused all day at work today. I had a great drum lesson. And Scrubs was on tonight, and it was awesome.

Nothing much to say... I'm just feeling better.

Frustration...

I don't want to kill my dreams anymore. I want to make them come true.
-From my RL diary.

I'm frustrated tonight.

Last night I went to Weight Watchers and found I had gained two pounds, somehow. I probably know how if I think about it... I didn't track, after all, and in general didn't really care very much.

Losing the first 35 lbs was easy. Ever since I hit the 160 lb mark, I've been struggling. Every time I make it below 160 lbs, I gain it back again. I've been at 160 lbs forever--or, at least, for the last three months.

I tried to explain this to my mom tonight. She said, "Well, if you gain weight right before your period, ignore the scale for that week."

That is so not the point.

According to Weight Watchers, healthy weight for someone of my height is 120-130 lbs. I therefore chose 125 lbs as my ultimate goal. But I'm wondering now if maybe I should just try to stay at 160 lbs. I'm 35 lbs lighter, everyone keeps telling me I look really good, and I'm out of the morbidly obese range.

But I want to be the right weight, not so much for cosmetic reasons, but because every disease known to man runs in both sides of my family, and I intend to live a long time.

So looking over my behaviour for the past few weeks, I think the only thing I'd like to change is to eat less milk products.

So what do I do? I eat four milks today instead of two.

It's been one of those days, too. This morning my work computer would not cooperate... I spent the first hour of the day rebooting it and running anti-spyware software and installing updates.

I had trouble concentrating on the data entry project I'm supposed to be doing and spent half the afternoon fooling around on-line. It's a huge project and they don't really expect me to work on it 8 hours a day, but I expect me to.

After work I had a haircut appointment. The first thing the girl said when I got there was, "Your shirt's on backwards." No wonder I've been having such a fricked-up day.

And I've been spending all evening at home looking at stuff on-line. I played the drums a little. The song I knew perfectly yesterday I could not play today... I kept messing up.

I hate days like this, where it's so hard to stay positive. I hate being frustrated.

I believe God has a glorious plan for my life, but right now it's raining outside and I'm not seeing the glory.

I'm just frustrated.

A real update

I went to bed at 9:15 last night. Now my brain's working again.

Over the past couple of weeks I've realized some important things. Stuff like, if I'm lonely it's because i choose to be. I'm involved in a number of activities, and every place I go people love me. I'm starting to understand that I'm an extremely lovable person.

Tonight I went to my writer's group. It's not much of a group, really. There are only three or four of us, usually, and we do more taling about other stuff than about writing. Tonight everyone just said they really liked my chapter. I would have liked a stronger evaluation. I guess that's what the weekend conference I'm going to the first weekend in June is for.

I'm also starting to understand more about who I am. I really am a teacher. Sometimes I've doubted it, because I want so badly to write... and I have no doubt I will be a writer, as well, but the teaching is part of me too. I feel like the fan fiction list I'm creating is kind of a teaching situation... most of the people who've signed up are teenagers. So I kind of have to plan lessons on how to write fan fiction.

I'm also a person who likes to be a leader. I'm the one who organized this list, as well as a couple of other things going on in the Scrubs forum... I've always got ideas about who to do things and how to make things run smoothly for everyone... and I like helping people. Dave always said that there's enough room in this world for everyone to be successful, and I want to live that truth.

Im sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now. In the meantime tomorrow's my drum lesson. I finally graduated from the rudiment book. My teacher says I'm the first of his current students to do so. Last week he starte teaching me a beat. I've been playing it to "Superman" (the Lazlo Bane song, also used as the theme to Scrubs) all week. I wish it wasn't so late so I could practice it some more... I'm playing just a little too fast :(

Anyway I'm starving but it's almost 10:30 so I'm thinking about just going to bed and eating in the morning.

I'm tired...

Wow, is it already May? And has it really been an entire month since I last posted?

I have been really busy lately. Unfortunately that means I am also really tired. I should be doing homework right now so that I can head to bed. But I wanted to write something first.

Let's see... where should I begin? I guess it's obvious I've been a very busy girl. Lately my schedule has been like this:

Get up at 5:30 AM
Monday, Wednesday, Friday exercise
Work: 8a-5p
Monday night: Toastmasters
Tuesday night: Weight Watchers/Roller Skating (although I skipped the skating tonight because I was too frigging tired)
Every other Wednesday night: writing group
Thursday night: drum lesson
Friday night: stay up late and watch Scrubs
Saturday: do chores, dig in the garden
Sunday: church

In addition to which I've written 90% of a new Scrubs fan fiction, and just started a list for fellow fan fiction writers. Basically it's the "Writer's Room"--we're going to collaborate to write a whole season at a time of fan fiction. I'm looking onto expanding it into a fanzine as well. I also try to practice the drums just about every day, do homework, work on other writing, post on tv.com's Scrubs board, occasionally read, and very occasionally get enough sleep. Plus I've gone to five teaching interviews in the past few weeks.

No wonder I'm so tired.

It's weird, though... when I lived with Dave I was getting by on an hour's sleep half the time. He needed to talk all night and I had to be at work at 7 AM. Now I can't seem to function if I get 7 and a half hours as opposed to 8.

I have a headache. All day at work today it was difficult to think. Now my brain's functioning better but I wish I didn't have homework to do because I really really need to sleep.

More later... (I promise it'll be sooner than a month this time--hey, at least I didn't wait two months like Zach Braff!)

Comin' along...

I had two interviews this week. The first was for a one-on-one Resource Specialist. It would be part-time, which sucks, but would give me experience, which is good.

The second one wouldn't start until fall, but at that point I could get hired either as a resource specialist (working with up to ten kids at a time) or to teach an autistic classroom. I really really liked this school too. I had a good feeling about it. I'm going to write a thank you note today and of course stop by their table on Saturday when I go to the job fair.

In the meantime, I've revised another chapter and a half of my novel and have another two and a half chapters to go. I'll definitely have a draft ready by the summer conference (no agents there, but maybe I can workshop it) and a proposal ready by fall.

And I'm starting a new temp job right after Easter.

Everything's going great, so why I did I wake up feeling blah this morning?

I guess it actually started last night when I got the application to the bigger conference in Gettysburg. I would love to go. Five days of writing workshops, publishing workshops, and networking. It woulds tart on June 6, which would have been Dave's birthday, so of course I want to be productive so I'm not thinking about how much I miss him.

The problem is, it's $585 tuition and $335 for room and board.

I can't afford it. My counselor says I don't have to go this year and I should just wait on it. My mature self knows she's right.

But I really feel like paying the deposit on it anyway and hoping that I somehow come up with the rest of the money. (Otherwise I'm out $150) It's not like I won't have some money coming in from the temp job. It's not like I don't have $1200 in savings.

But I don't want to waste $150 just because I wish I could go.

Being a grown-up is hard sometimes.

It's weird being as happy as I have been the last few weeks. Most of the time I am glad for my progress forward, even though I'm lonely without Dave to share it with. But sometimes, lying in bed at night, I think, My God, I'm really going to get everything I wanted, and I feel... afraid. Not of anything specific. Just kind of nervous.

I always knew a proper life was just a matter of me making up my mind to be successful. I just didn't do it.

I think about Dave sometimes and I feel so sad that he didn't get a chance to come out here and live a better life. And then I think about him with the alcohol and I wonder if he really would have been capable of living better. I wish I didn't think that way. It feels like a betrayal of my love and belief in him. But there it is.

Anyway, I'm not going to let this blah feeling get me down. I'm going to keep moving forward, even if I have to face feeling alone.

It's raining today. No wonder I feel blah, even though it's a good thing because it'll mositen the soil where im trying to make a garden plot.

It's been a while...

I've been so productive lately that I haven't had time to update my blog.

It all started two weeks ago when I spent the weekend up in DC with my old college roommate. (I can't remember if I've written about this, but I don't think so.) I had a really great time. At the same time, it underscored the fact that moving to LA was a colossal mistake in my life. Well, for the most part anyway. When I left Syracuse, I had a good group of friends and hope for the future. In LA I faced poverty, depression, and loneliness. If it weren't for Dave, the whole thing would have been a waste of six years. And then, of course, he died just as I was beginning to start a new life in North Carolina.

Such were my thoughts on the train ride home from DC. I began a small pity party, thinking about my messy house and my messed up life and Dave being gone and... well, me being almost 29, which is just a year away from 30.

Pity loves any excuse to throw a depressing party, doesn't it?

But the next morning I woke up, still in NC, still with a messy house, still minus the love of my life, but with a new attitude. I read John 9:5: "As long as I am in this world, I am the light of the world." and it really affected me. I decided to remake my life into what it ought to be. I decided to let the past go. I decided to start by cleaning my house.

And I decided that this was the very last time I was starting over. I've had moments of clarity like this before, moods of optimism and growth. But they were just moments and they passed, leaving me in the same position I was before.

This time I decided that this was IT. I spent all week cleaning my house and from now on Saturday is the day to maintain it: to vacuum, wash floors, throw away papers, and do the laundry.

Never again will I spend an entire week making my house livable.

And never again will I allow depression to control how I live my life.

Even that relatively small decision was not easy to make. My best imaginary friend JD was whining quite a bit while I was cleaning the kitchen because he wanted to write. Plus it was strange to stand at the sink washing dishes, allowing the memories of Dave's insistence on clean dishes wash over me. To realize that though he's gone, his spirit of productivity is in me. To feel happy instead of sad.

I see it like this now: I devoted a week to cleaning house even though there were other things I wanted to do because if I do it now, I won't have to do it later. A clean house is easier to maintain than a dirty house is to clean. So I put the time in now so I can be freed up for more important things.

I was 90% done by Wednesday. Thursday was a job fair at FSU. So I devoted some time to rewriting my resume and copying it along with my test scores. While I was at Staples, I picked up a dry-erase board. JD thought -- that is, I thought -- that I could use a dry-erase board to help me keep track of what I ought to be doing. I wish Dave was here to see this... he was always on my ass about how I was a writer who hated writing things down and making lists.

Anyway, I hammered two nails into the wall to hang up the dry-erase board (again thinking of Dave, who taught me how to use tools) and re-hung my calendar with poster tape. On the board, I have four corners and a middle section. In one corner I list long-term goals and the hoped-for date of completion. In the opposite corner goes today's date, under which I list the things I hope to accomplish today. In the bottom right corner is the TV schedule: any programs I plan on watching in the evening. And in the bottom left is a list of appointments and errands for the day. As I accomplish things, I erase them off the board. Right now in the middle I have an encouraging message for myself about my job hunt.

Speaking of which, I got two call backs from the job fair already. I have interviews on Monday and Wednesday, and they are for positions that are open RIGHT NOW. I thought I would have to wait until fall because no-one would hire someone now for a teaching job.

When I get hired I plan on telling everyone I know (similar to how I plan on broadcasting the news of me getting published when that happens.) I'm even going to call Pastor Dan. I'm going to call him around Easter anyway to keep in touch. I still think of his sermons often.

In the meantime, I'm 99% finished with my website. I'm having a problem with my background music, which I haven't figured out as of yet. But anyone who is interested can look at http://www.stephaniesilberstein.com Use Internet Explorer--I have it configured to reject Firefox. (There's a way around it but I ain't telling unless it's absolutely necessary.) I'd love to hear some feedback before my site goes public (and besides I'm tired of my visitor counter saying I've had one visitor :D)

Well, now that I have gotten to the end of the obligatory "everything is going great" post it's time for me to decide if I want to revise my novel or practice the drums first. Until next time...

Spring

Spring is here.

The last few days have been very warm. Today it rained all day and it's back to being cold tonight. After this weekend, it's going back to being warm.

More importantly, I've once again begun getting my life back on track. Today I cleaned almost my whole house: my bedroom, computer room, dining room, and half the living room. I decided last night that I can't take care of any of my loftier ambitions until I get my house in order. I intend to be a writer and I'm going to be a writer. But first I need a clean house.

I decided also that this is the last time I'm starting over. I don't mean that I won't keep changing and growing and I don't mean that I won't keep moving forward with my life. But it seems that in the half year since Dave died, I've had moments of lucidity, glimpses of the life I should be living. I'll live the way I'm meant to live for a day or two. Then I'll get depressed and everything will go back to the way it was until I can't stand it anymore and try to get back on track for a little while.

I'm stating all this here, in my public blog, because I am not going through all of that anymore. I'm getting my act together and keeping it that way. I don't care what depression, fear, and loneliness have to say. I'm not letting them control me anymore.

I already know how valuable time is and how uncertain life is. If ntohing else, Dave taught me that. But this is my way of saying, I mean it.

I'm halfway through my next draft of my novel. I'm going to go all the way with it. I mean that.

I'm writing a new story. I'm going to finish it and get it published. I mean that.

I have an idea for a second novel. As soon as I'm done with the major work on this one and have started the submissions process, I'm going to begin working on it. I mean that.

I'm going to have a teaching job next year. I mean that.

I've lost almost 30 lbs and I'm going to lose the remaining 40 to get down to my proper weight. I mean that.

I'm going to be healthy and happy. I mean that.

I'm going to face down depression and fear. I mean that.

The list goes on and on. I don't know exactly what it is I intend to get out of life, but I do intend to live. This spring is a season of resurrection. I'm putting aside my old, immature self and emerging anew, fully adult and ready to face and engage the world.

Last day/first day

So this morning was the last service at Pastor Dan's church.

I got there about half na hour early. I felt a little sadbecause Pastor Dan wasn't his usualy smiling self, it seemed. I realized suddenly that this was hard for him, too, and that he wished he didn't have to do this.

But once the service began, I realized that ir eally did admire him. He began by reading for Ecclesiastes (sp?)--that famous passage about

For everything there is season,
A time to live, a time to die.

And then he said, "This is really hard. My heart is breaking, and I might not be able to get through this without crying."

And right then I knew why I admired him and had felt a connection to him more than any other pastor I've met out here. Because of the complete openness and honety with which he approaches all of us.

And I know it sounds cruel, though I don't mean it to be, but I was grateful for his tears. It made me feel like it had been OK for me to be sad about it last week, that none of us were expected to move on easily, as if none of it mattered.

So I listened to him read from Ecclesiastes and suddenly I thought that everything he was saying applied equally well to losing Dave. And I wondered why losing Dave and losing this church were intertwined in my mind. It's so strange. I don't have an answer for that.

Anyway, after that we did some worship songs and then he read from John 13, when Jesus washes the feet of his disciples. And he told us all that he believed God had great things in store for each of us. And he invited us to come up on by one for him to pray for us.

And then he closed by having communion with us.

We all hung around and talked for a little bit. He said we could take a Bible if we needed one. I already have two Bibles inherited from Dave, but I took one anyway because I wanted a little piece of the church, so I could remember every time I read it.

Pastor Dan signed my Bible for me. Now i have something I treasure.

It was just starting to rain as I left, a if God too was crying because this particular chapter had to end. I drove home and changed my shirt so I would be ready for my date, feeling surprised that I felt so good and so happy. I had expected to still be drowning in grief.

And then... then I had a really great time.

I got to Applebee's at exactly 2. I would have been early, except for I got stuck at a light right around the corner from the restaurant, seemingly forever. Anyway, we got a table and sat and talked and almost forgot to look at the menu.

After lunch we were going to go to the movies, but he was concerned about his papers that he had to grade (he's a teacher too) so instead we just sat and talked for about 2 hours.

When I got home I had an e-mail from him saying that he had a really good time. We're planning on going out again next Saturday.

Oh, I hope this works out... I just feel like Dave is up there in heaven saying, "That's my girl," whenever things go well for me... I'm really happy and I'm afraid to be as happy as I am, afraid it won't last, won't work out.

But I'm trying to stay positive.

Late night post

It's late and I should be getting to bed. Tomorrow's going to be a long day.

Tomorrow is the last day of church :( I made a banana cream pie to bring. Or, I should say, I tried to make it. I followed all the directions, even chilled it for 8 hours instead of 3, but it's still all mushy like pudding, not solid like pie.

*sigh* I don't have time to make something else. I'm thinking I might just put it in the oven for a few minutes to see if that'll get it to solidify even though the recipe was adamant about chilling it. Otherwise I'll have to present it as a pudding. (I'm very determined to bring this thing.)

After church I have a date. I'm really excited. I have an hour to get there and it's only five minutes away so I should have time to say a proper goodbye.

I realize that just because the church is disbanding doesn't mean I'll never see Pastor Dan again. I mean, he gave us all his phone number for a reason. I just... well, I don't like to call people unless i have a very specific reason because I don't want to be a pest. I even hated calling Dave even though he liked it when I called him from work. And I don't really know how to build a relationship with a pastor outside of a church.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to/dreading tomorrow at the same time.

In the meantime, I talked to another guy on the phone last Thursday and the Thursday before. He would like to go out next weekend.

I feel funny about scheduling dates with two different guys. I shouldn't, right? It's not like there's any commitment to be exclusive in this kind of dating. Obviously if things get serious with either of these guys, I would make a commitment and hopefully the other one would be willing to be just friends. I guess that's another way I'm like JD... I don't like to hurt people (and I'm jumping way too far ahead of myself, anyway.)

I finished my Scrubs fan fiction. I don't remember if I even mentioned it here. I was writing it just for me, although I was pretty damn impressed when I read it over tonight. I felt sad, too. When I took TV writing at USC, my teacher suggested I write a Scrubs episode. It was before I had gotten into it, so I ignored her. Then when I took an independent screenwriting class, I had thought about writing one but changed my mind. Now I don't live in LA anymore, the show is probably ending after this season, and it's a little late for me to be thinking about wanting to write for it.

Damn timing. I wonder how my life would have been different if I'd listened to my TV writing teacher.

Too bad I decided to give up Scrubs reruns for Lent. I'd like to watch my DVD of "My Butterfly" to remind myself (again) that things happen the way they're meant to happen.

Anyway, eventually I'll put it up on my myspace and link to it from here. But not tonight.

I really really should get to bed.

Lent

Today is the first day of Lent.

I had meant to ask Pastor Dan last week how one observes Lent, since I had never done it before, but it didn't seem appropriate after his announcement that the church was closing. So I'm winging it.

Knowing that you are suppsoed to sacrifice something for the length of Lent, I decided, after much inner debate, to sacrifice watching my beloved Scrubs reruns. I watched one last episode last night... and it just so happened to be one of my favorite ones, the one where Dr. Cox decides to be gentler with his residents, and as a result they gradually start acting more and more like high school kids. Meanwhile, JD's girlfriend breaks up with him when she realizes he is not over Elliot and therefore will not let anyone else be close to him.

(I never said I wouldn't summarize Scrubs reruns during Lent, just not watch them ;)

Anyway, I plan on celebrating Lent the way I used to celebrate Yom Kippor, without all the guilt attached. Yom Kippor is the Jewish day of atonement. Traditionally Jews fast all day. It is also a day where they are supposed to forgive one another, let go of grudges, and reflect upon their behaviour of the past year. Their own sins of the year are then wiped away.

I didn't like Yom Kippor as a kid/young adult because many of the prayers used had an emphasis on fearing God's punishment for being so evil and sinful.

However, I see Lent as a similar time, minus the guilt. It's a time to renew my relationships with others and with God, and to self-examine.

This first day of Lent has been a weird day, which I rather suspect was designed to get my mind off-track. It began with one of my contacts mysteriously disappearing out of my eye secons after I put it in, and ended with my cell phone not ringing so that I missed my very busy sister's call.

But, now, I am cooking for the first time in three months. I moved my lamp into the kitchen so I can see, since I cant rach the ceiling bulb to change it. I just started a new macaroni and cheese dish that I got from the Weight Watchers comfort foods cookbook. It's pretty similar to the recipe I used to have except it has onions and diced tomatoes in it, plus after it's made you bake it in the oven with toasted bread crumbs for half an hour.

Now that I'm in the cooking spirit, I decided that I'm going to bake a pie in honor of the last day of church. I think the bana bread pudding I used to make will do nicely.

Things are looking up :)

Yesterday

Yesterday was a strange, happy/sad day.

I love Sundays because of church, and yesterday was no exception, at first. Pastor Dan gave a really awesome sermon about the story of Joseph, which has always been my favorite Old Testament story. I love Joseph's integrity and commitment, and the story has personal meaning to me because as a kid, I felt invisible and kind of hated.

But I haven't had time to reflect on the sermon because at the end of the service, Pastor Dan announced that after next week the church is closing due to lack of funds. :( I was sitting there feeling like crying while he gave everyone his phone number so we could stay in touch. People were getting up to talk about how much the church meant to them. I wanted to say something too. At first I couldn't. I could only think, What am I supposed to do now?

So finally I decided I had to say something because otherwise I enver would, and I didn't want to be this weird person who sits in church for two months and then quietly disappears forever. Not this time. I didn't stand up even though I wanted to. My voice stuck in my throat at first but finalyl I was able to say that when Dave died I feltl ike turning my back on God altogether, and that it was through this church that I was able to conitnue in my relationship with God. There were a lot of things I didn't add to that, because I was too sad to think of them and because they were too personal. Things like, no matter how crappy my week was, I always felt good on Sunday. And how it made me feel closer to Dave's memory because he would have liked this church. Sometimes I felt like he was sitting there with me. And things like, why is it that ever since August it feels like everything's just been falling apart? Ever since Dave's death everything shakes me up... and then I lost my car... and now this.

I didn't want to say those things so after the service I went up and gave Pastor Dan a hug. They had some t-shirts and stuff they were giving away. I took a calendar that said "I love teaching," since I'm going into the teaching profession. I couldn't bear to look at the t-shirts, something I regretted as soon as I walked away.

*sigh* I had carpooled with a former neighbor and friend. She was upset too, but she also kept telling me to "calm down", which really annoyed me. I know that people don't like to see their friends upset and crying, but damn it, I was sad and I needed to cry. She wanted me to stay a while at her house and maybe drink a beer with her, but I decided against that. First of all, somewhere among all the other things Dave taught me is that drinking when you're upset is only going to make thigns worse. And I can't drink without thinking of him, anyway, and losing my church was just tearing open the scab over the gigantic wound of losing him.

So I decided to go on with my day as planned and went to the roller rink. It was a little bit of an irritating experience because there were an unusual number of little kids who couldn't skate flopping all over the place. Usually I like kids but for some reason they all seemed to be in my way. I've never had a kid crash into me and knock me down before.

I did do a little skating, but for the most part I sat on the sidelines feeling irritated and upset, and talking to my best imaginary friend JD. I wished Dave was there. He'd know what to do. And I probably wouldn't be this upset if he was.

Eventually they played a song I liked and I skated to it. Unfortunately, I fell and hit my knee. I bruised it in the exact same space that I hurt it when I got baptized, which is a weird thought I can't seem to get rid of. I left soon after.

After skating, I stopped to call my grandmother before I went to dinner. She's old and sick so I feel ilke I should call her once in a while. She's also incredibly overbearing and annoying. Of course I couldn't tell her that my heart was broken over losing my church because she thinks that Judaism is the only true religion and that Christianity is an "evil" taking people away from God. I did tell her I might go to temple this week. She apparently felt obliged to tell my mom later that I'm only going to temple for "social reasons" and that I'm not really seeking God. I'm incredibly annoyed. Just because I don't worship the way she does doesn't mean I'm not seeking God, and knowing that I have a personal relationship with Him doesn't make me feel better. I'm probably mad at Him again too because I'm tired of having crap fall on me.

Well anyway, after I ate I came home and tried to rest and wrote in my paper diary and thought some more. Towards evening time I decided to try calling a guy from e-harmony that I'm really interested in, even though I had little hope right then that I would get anywhere.

We talked for an hour. He's a teacher too and he used to teach colelge just ilke I did. He's interested in writing even though he hasn't written much lately. After we takled for a while I asked him what he was doing next weekend. We're going to go to lunch and maybe the movies on Sunday afternoon.

I'm feeling double-minded now. I'm of course going to go to Pastor Dan's final service. I'm even planning on making something (I'm thinking of maybe the banana bread pudding) in honor of this occasion. And so I'm not going to want to rush away to a date, at least without saying goodbye properly. And I'm going to be a little upset, although obviously I'll have had a week to adjust.

BUT I'm also really excited about this guy and I'm hoping it'll work out better than my last date. And I think doing something fun with a new guy will take my mind off things.

And I don't want to change or cancel and appear all flakey and mess it up that way.

So this is how it stands right now.

Movin' forward

I got my PRAXIS scores today. I not only passed, I passed with flying colors. Minimum passing scores were 143 and 159 respectively; my scores were 173 and 184.

I am so so so happy. I hope this translates into a teaching job. My temp job is supposed to end after 2-3 weeks more.

In the meantime I'm working the day shift starting Monday so I can get back to some sort of normal life.

YAY me!!!

Jumbled thoughts about growing up

It's late and I'm tired but I wanted to post something because it's been a while. And also because I feel, and have felt for a while, that I am on the cusp of growing up.

Tonight was the best episode of Scrubs ever because of the last five minutes. (In case any other Scrubs fans haven't watched it yet, this is a good a place as any to shout SPOILER. (i.e stop reading if you don't want to know ;)

JD FINALLY realized how trying his clinginess is on his friends. "I can't stand two hours of this, let alone six years," he said. He turned down the invitation to have a beer with Dr. Cox that he's sought for six years, saying, "I don't have any plans, but at least I'm dealing with things on my own now." I was cheering.

It's funny how JD and I always seem to be facing the same issues at the same time. It seems that every rerun I watch is dealing with some issue that I'm also dealing with. I'm not dealing with clinginess per se, but like me, JD was feeling that his life had turned to crap and he was so overwhelmed... and ultimately realized it was up to him to fix it. It makes me feel good to go through this journey with this imaginary friend, even though real friends to share it would be even better. That's one thing I really miss about Dave...

In other news, I should be getting my PRAXIS scores any day now. They were supposed to be mailed out on the 13th. I was hoping I would get them today, but all I got was an advertisement about consolidating my student loan :( I'm a little impatient because I think this test is the key to getting a teaching job.

Oh, and I have two guys on eharmony who are interested in me. I feel weird about this. It's not like you commit to be exclusive with anyone until... well, you make that commitment. But it seems everyone on eharmony is looking for their life partner. And it would totally suck if one of them decided he wanted to go further with me and I'd already decided on the other one.

Anyway, so there are these two guys. One of them is an Indian fellow getting his citizenship in this country. We talked for two hours about philosophy and psychology. That was really cool, although it was more an intellectual conversation than a personal one. It is nice to have someone intelligent to talk to, though.

The other one I haven't really talked to yet. He e-mailed me once. He's a teacher and a writer too--and he's taught college before just like I have. I felt really excited when I heard from him. When I called him tonight, though, he said he was very tired and that he would call me back on Saturday.

I don't know what to make of all that. It's too early to make anything out of it, I guess. But it's nice to have possibilities.

All in all, I'm starting to feel happy, in a way I haven't since Dave's death. Some days I actually wake up happy. A lot of my prayers have been prayers of thanksgiving. I feel that this is a beautiful world we live in, even though it seems like a broken one sometimes.

I just wish Dave was here to share it with me.

Random thoughts about romance

My childhood best friend is getting married.

When my mom told me this last year, I felt sad. At the time, I was working at a dead-end job and I felt my life was going nowhere. Given what happened to Dave, my thoughts then seem silly now. I was worried about whether going beyond friendship with him was the right thing to do. He didn't want marriage or kids, which is understandable considering his history. I knew that I did.

Anyway, my thoughts then were along the lines of what am I doing with my life? I felt old all of a sudden. This girl who was my best friend until I was 14, this girl who I grew up, is getting married. I thought, Am I ever going to get married? Am I ever going to have kids?

Am I ever going to get my life together enough to be able to create a family?

I just went to macys.com and bought her a gift from the wedding registry. They only give you three lines to write a message. I wanted to say so much, but I ended up just saying, "I can't believe you're getting married. Congratulations." I felt funny putting "love" on it even though it felt right. It's been years since we've spoken or seen each other. And I have a painful memory burned permanently into my brain of my 14th birthday, when she told me she didn't want to be best friends with me anymore.

So back to my thoughts. I'm gradually getting my life together, I guess. I'm working now and I should be getting my test results back within a few weeks, after which I can start applying for teacher's jobs. I'm feeling less and less like 30 is too fast approaching and I have nothing to show for it.

It would be reasonable not to expect to have any major relationship in my life, considering what Dave was to me.

And that's the only thing missing.

My date last Sunday was disappointing. We didn't seem to have anything in common except teaching, and manly what he had to say about that was that he had trouble managing his time and wasn't sure he was doing a good job.

I didn't have a bad time, but I knew I didn't want another date.

And yet when he e-mailed me yesterday to say he thought I was nice but there was no connection and that we could be e-mail friends if I wanted, I felt hurt. It makes no sense since I felt the same way.

I guess I hoped I was overreacting even though I know I wasn't. I'm too anxious about the whole dating thing. Dave was my first love. I never dated in high school or college. That's part of what makes losing him so damn hard.

In the meantime my brother and sister are both in serious relationships that are probably going to lead to marriage and my childhood best friend is getting married.

It just underscores that there's something missing in my life.

I really shouldn't be so anxious. I already know that someday I' going to have kids which, presumably means someday I'm going to be married. I'm going to have a son and name him Jonathan David. David after Dave, of course. Jonathan because the biblical Jonathan was David's loyal friend and has always een my favorite Bible chaacter.

So instead of being anxious i should be patient and let the right person come to me. I wasn't expecting to meet Dave when I did, after all.

It's just hard not to be lonely when everyone else around you seems to have someone.

moving on, or trying to

I'm in a strange mood tonight. Actually, I've been in a strange mood all week.

Sometimes I think this is a beautiful world God has graced us with and other times I just feel the emptiness all around me where Dave belongs. It's part of the grieving process, I guess.

It seems the more I take steps to move forward in my life the way Dave would have wanted me to, the more I feel his absence. I'm doing a lot better than I was back in August, of course, although summer is going to be here again too soon and I don't want to deal with the first birthday I can't celebrate and the first of my birthdays without him... and the first anniversary of his death.

Anyway, this morose post came about because I have a date tomorrow. I met this guy on eharmony and I mae the obligiatory first call to see if I wanted to take it beyond e-mail. I thought we'd just talk for a few minutes but we ended up talking for an hour, about teaching mostly, because he's a teacher too, but also about other things. It reminded me of the way I used to stay up all night taking to Dave, which is one of the things I miss most about him.

So tomorrow I'm going to meet him at Applebee's after church. I'm excited and scared and nervous, and I realized suddenly that I'm scared that things might actually work out for me.

I don't know where that fear comes from. It's the JD in me, I guess. But I know that part of it is feeling like if I move on with my life, I leave Dave's memory behind. Which is, of course, BS. He would have wanted me to move on. And I will always have his memory.

I wrote the first chapter of Chasing Ghosts last week. The more I write, the more I become aware that it's about a woman who wants to turn back time, who's afraid of the future, of time moving on. It's partly because her husband's died, but it's more than that... it's a general attitude towards life.

I don't want to be like her but I am writing her story.

I put a quote from the Bible at the beginning:

When the sun rose, Lot went into Zoar...
but his wife looked behind her, and was turned into a pillar of salt.

and a dedication

FOR DAVID
Your memory lives on in me

I'm excited about this project, although it's slow going. I'm still working on my old novel, too. I want to finish revising it and then get it professionally edited. Then I'll write a proposal and try to get it published.


Not much else to say. Last night they showed the episode of Scrubs where JD and Elliot hook up and then quickly break up. I could just hear Dave saying, "You see why it's better just to be friends?"

1:30 left of work before I can go home and go to bed. I'm tired.

Lots of stuff

It's been a while... hasn't it? Or has it? A week and a half isn't too long, for me... I've gone way longer without having the chance to write.

Anyway, lots of stuff to report, most of it good. For one thing, my writer's block ios finally gone. I wrote my first scene of Chasing Ghosts yesterday, and this afternoon I've been sitting at work thinking about the scene I'll write when I get home (or tomorrow morning, more likely. I am extremely tired for reasons I'll go into in a bit.)

I have a feeling that now that I've found my opening, Chapter One should pretty much write itself. I'm really excited about this project, even more so than my first novel (which I'm still revising).

I want to write my book jacket/synopsis, but I'm a little afraid to post it publically. Suffice it to say that the story is about a mother and daughter who both have to face their pasts in order to move forward with their lives.

Moving on...

The reason I'm so tired is because I stayed up until 2 AM last night and had to get up at 8:30 to attend "drive-through prayer". This is a church community thing that my pastor does once a month... it's the first time I've ever done it. Basically, he puts out a sign saying, "Drive Through Prayer" on the steret, and those of us who have volunteered for this stand on the street corner and wave to people driving or walking by. People can stop to ask us to pray with them.

It was really cold this morning. I was wearing my light jeans jacket as always--I have an actual winter coat in my car, but I never think to wear it, because I just don't get cold. (When I was at school in Syracuse, I got sent back to my dorm for walking in the snow without a coat on.) Pastor Dan insisted on lending me his winter coat, which I didn't wear. My hands were freezing, though. At first I was putting one hand in my pocket and waving to cars with the other hand, and switching them periodically. FInally, someone lent me a glove, and that solved that problem.

I was a little nervous about praying for people because I've never done it before. Last week, Pastor Dan had said that God will always provide you with what you need to do His work, but that didn't quite make sense--what's the point of praying if God has to tell you what to tell Him?? So when Pastor Dan did the first prayer, I sort of hung back and watched and listened to see what a "real" prayer sounded like.

For a long while, no-one stopped for prayer, though a lot of people honked and waved back at us. That gave me a lot of time to think. I was thinking about Dave, about how glad he would be that I was getting involved with a church, about how he might have reacted to this whole thing we were doing here. Also about how he would never have let me stand on a street without wearing a winter coat in the first place so that I wouldn't have been in the position of having to allow the pastor to lend me one when I already had one in my car.

Anyway, eventually this lady came up and wanted prayer for herself and her family. I prayed with her... at first I didn't know what to say, but then, sure enough, the words did come to me. I felt so good after I prayed, like this world is a beautiful place and I'm glad to be in it (how's that for cliched thinking?) Thinking about it, I realized that I've been living inside my head for far too long. Besides Dave, I never really shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone, so... since he died I've been living entirely in my head. And while I love my head, that's not always a great place to be. I need to get out in the world and remember I'm a human being.

Speaking of which, I joined eharmony about 2 months ago. I didn't really hold out any hope of finding anyone. I don't know why I spent the money to become a member. I was lonely, I guess, and even though I really miss Dave I realized I can't stay romantically loyal to his memory forever because I still have to live my life even though he's gone.

So anyway, I've been corresponding with this guy. He's a teacher also, and he loves teaching because he thinks it's very important to teach kids to think for themselves. Tonight I got an e-mail from him asking if I thought we should meet in person and talk more.

I'm excited because this is the very first time I've ever been asked out (the way it happened with me and Dave doesn't count... we were very best friends and somewhere along the line we just decided since our feelings were so deep for each other we might as well go further). Of course, I know about Internet safety and all that. I'm going to suggest to this guy that we exchange phone numbers and talk for a while first before we go out in person. I figure phone numbers can always be changed if need be.

Anyway, back to my church experience. (I'm really tired so this blog might not make much sense. Unfortunately, I have 2 hours left at work with very little to do. I need to wake up.) After praying with that lady, as I said, I felt spiritually more awake than I had in a long time. I wanted to pray with other people but unfortunately none came along :(

By the time it ended at 2 PM, my feet were so cold I could barely feel them as I walked back to my car. I went home, ate lunch, and watched an episode of Scrubs that I taped last night and missed most of because I didn't get home from work on time. It was one of my favourite episodes from Season 1, My Old Lady. It showed all three main doctors (interns in that season) dealing with patients who might be the 1 out of 3 patients who was destined to die there. JD's patient was an elderly woman whom he grew attached to. Unfortunately, when her kidneys failed, she refused dialysis and he had to accept that she was going to die. In a last-ditch effort to convince her to change her mind, JD made a list of a bunch of things he thought everyone should do in their life. She replied, "How many of the things on that list have you done? For that matter, how often have you sat on the grass and done nothing? You need to take more time for yourself. Promise me you will."

The episode ended after her death (well, actually, the death of all three patients) with JD lying on the grass reflecting that when patients die, you have to take what you can from your time with them, "even if all it is is lying on the grass thinking about all the things you still have to do."

I don't know exactly why this episode affected me the way it did, but of all the episodes I've seen (and I've seen 90% of them, several enough times to memorize them), this struck me as one of the best and most important.

Oh dear, I'm rambling, aren't I? When I find myself summzarizing every detail of Scrubs episodes it's probably time to quit. Besides, my blog is competing with Zach Braff's now for longest catch-up blog of the week. (I have a lot to say about my growing admiration for him, but not now. I'm too tired.)

Until next time...

First post of the New Year

I'm sorry it's been such a long time since I've written. I've been busy since the year began.

First of all, I got a temp job. I'm working at Univision 40--the local Spanish-language channel. Basically I'm working the control booth, making sure the local commercials air at the proper time. They're planning on automating this process within the next month or two, so in the meantime they need a temp to do it.

I'm glad to be working, even though I work the night shift (4-12), which means that I'm tired all the time and don't seem to be able to cram everything else I need to do into the day. It's also a little sad... whenever I'm getting ready to leave work for the night, I think of Dave. I think about how it would be if he were here with me, how he would probably leave something on the stove for me to eat when I came in or if he was awake he'd have a show on I like for us to watch together. I miss him the most on the way home from work at midnight.

I work five minutes from my house, which is much nicer than the 3o min commute I had when I worked at Kinko's. When I lived with Dave, I hurried home to be with him. Now I hurry home to watch Scrubs.

Anyway...

So in between work shifts I'm writing the third draft of my novel. I also have an idea for another novel, which I've barely started. I'm not happy with what I've written so far, which doesn't surprise me, because 1) I've been reading a lot of "light" stuff--mainstream romance novels and the like--so I'm sure my voice is influenced by what I'm reading and 2) this new project is so ambitious that I'm not going to be happy with it until I've worked and worked and worked.

My new novel is called Chasing Ghosts. It's a generational story told in bits and pieces... some parts will be from the point of view of a young single mother, and others will take place 20 years later and be from the point of view of her daughter. The mother's story is about her attempt to forge a relationship with a guy she knew only briefly as a child, and how difficult it is for her to create a new relationship because she's still in love with her husband, who passed away. The daughter's story is about her attempt to create a new life for herself in the city her mother moved them from after her father's death. She's moved there in order to start over again after being found guilty by association of shoplifting, but she can't seem to free herself of her past.

I'm excited about it... if only I can write it.

Some other news:

1) One of my teaching classes started today. I have to write a "literacy autobiography" detailing my experiences with learning to read and write. It's slow going because I taught myself and my main experiences in elementary school were of being told, "You're too young to be able to read like this." I don't think a bitter essay about how stupid my teachers were is quite the point of the exercise.

2) I found out that Zach Braff has a myspace page. He encourages his fans to add him as a friend. I've been procrastinating because I want to write him a fan e-mail and also because I have this fantasy he'll actually look at my page before he adds me, which I'm sure he's way too busy to do. In any case, I'm way too busy to make some changes to my page I want to make before anyone of consequence looks at it. Unfortunately time is ticking, as always... he says on his blog that he'll read all fan mail for now but if enough people contact him he won't be able to anymore... and so far there are 10000+ people added to his page. On the top of his friends list is his brother, who is apparently a writer and gives aspiring writers advice in his blog.

I've been spending way too much time on the Internet looking at all this stuff.